The Romans

The Slave Traders [Episode 1]

We kick off with a reprise of the last story's (literal) cliffhanger.

Hannah: Oh yeah, they fell off the cliff because he can't park. Can the TARDIS break? Could you just crack it?
Me: You'll have to keep watching.
Hannah: Because I've learned in the later episodes that it fixes itself and all kinds of things, it's pretty much impenetrable.

With no explanation we segue into a scene with the four of them on holiday in an ancient Roman villa. I'm expecting Hannah to comment on this transition but she doesn't seem remotely fazed; she has more pressing issues on her mind.

Hannah: Lying down and eating is really bad for you. Why did the Romans think it was a good idea? It's really bad for digestion.

The narrative gaps are filled in when Barbara and Vicki are at the marketplace, after Barbara has given Vicki a lesson in supply and demand ("She's a good teacher").

Hannah: They've been there a month? Through choice?
Me: Yes, it's a Roman Holiday.
Hannah: And their hosts are happy with that?

As it turns out, the owner of the villa is currently away in Gaul.

Hannah: (laughing) They're squatters! And they're getting their money by picking his garden clean and selling it at the market.

There's a perfectly-timed gag that involves the Doctor mispronouncing Ian's surname yet again, which gives Hannah a good chuckle.

Hannah: Was this slapstick? It feels like a Carry On film.
Me: Sort of. It's the first Doctor Who story to be written as a proper comedy instead of just having funny bits.
Hannah: Why would they do that? It's hard to take seriously.
Me: They do it all the time in the new series.
Hannah: What, a whole episode full of jokes?
Me: There's "The Lodger", "The Unicorn and the Wasp", "Partners in Crime"...
Hannah: It's just that Rome doesn't seem very funny. Rome always feels very luxurious, with the imminent sense of death.
Me: And if you think the Douglas Adams stuff is going to be written as straight drama when we get there, you're going to be very disappointed.

Things take a dark turn when Ian and Barbara are captured by a group of slave traders.

Me: Of course, when I say it's written as a comedy, it doesn't mean there aren't some...
Hannah: Horrible elements like human slavery?

All Roads Lead to Rome [Episode 2]

Hannah: It's funny that it's Romans, because the book I'm listening to at the moment has suddenly gone all Roman.
Me: Which book is that?
Hannah: Ultima by Stephen Baxter. It's a sci-fi book about travelling to other planets, and they've suddenly come across some Romans in the year 2200.

When we cut to a slave ship at sea, Hannah is very impressed.

Hannah: Ooh, an actual boat on some water. Where did they get the budget for that?
Me: I can't tell if you're joking.
Hannah: No, seriously?
Me: It's stock footage.
Hannah: Ah. I did think so. I'm surprised you weren't able to tell me exactly where it was from.

Inside the galley, Ian and the other slaves are manning the oars and having a fairly rough time of it.

Hannah: Do they usually have companions actually being tortured?
Me: Not off the top of my head, no.
Hannah: I mean, I know they've been through things, they've been in prison before and stuff like that. But this...

Things get worse when a storm approaches ("Someone's throwing buckets of water at them while they're sat on the set"), and Ian and his friend Delos are washed ashore somewhere near Rome.

Hannah: How can he know they're near Rome? Unless there's a sign that says "Rome..."
Me: Roma.
Hannah: "...5 miles."
Me: V miles.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Vicki finally meet Emperor Nero. Incidentally, my favourite Hannah reaction of this story is her giggle at Tigilinus' sad face when Nero wipes his hands on his cloak.

The cliffhanger comes when a recaptured Ian and Delos are threatened with being fed to some very disinterested-looking lions.

Me: Any ideas on how they could afford those lions?
Hannah: That's stock again, isn't it? It's filmed on a different camera.

Conspiracy [Episode 3]

Hannah: I don't like it as a "comedy" comedy. It's weird.
Me: In what way?
Hannah: I can't get immersed in the story. It's an interesting new direction, and it does make it stand out and probably stops it being just another Roman story like thousands of others, but I find it very annoying.

Not that this has stopped her laughing out loud throughout the story. Admittedly she seems a bit less engaged when the episode briefly turns into a French farce (or "Finding Nero" if you prefer) and half the cast starts chasing each other around the palace. For Hannah, the most contrived moment occurs when the Doctor overhears Nero pursuing Barbara.

Hannah: He didn't recognise Barbara's scream? She's screamed enough times.

We may disagree on how well the comedy works in this story, but at least we can agree that the new companion is great.

Hannah: Vicki is much less annoying than Susan. The Doctor wants to look after her a little, probably because he misses smothering Susan, but he's not as overprotective and he lets her run around a lot more. I can't imagine Susan running around the palace and making friends with the official poisoner, he never used to let her do anything.

She's critical when the poisoning of a servant is played for laughs (to be fair, it's funnier than it sounds), but there's no time to dwell on it because the Doctor is called upon to play the lyre at Nero's banquet. Vicki points out that he can't actually play.

Hannah: He played a couple of notes earlier that sounded good, so why not?
Me: I can do that with a piano. It doesn't mean I can play As Time Goes By.

Ian and Delos are sent to the gladiatorial arena, and Hannah is visibly appalled that a fight to the death could be organised so unfairly.

Hannah: Delos gets a helmet and a shield and Ian gets a net? The only thing protecting Ian is that he's a main character!

Inferno [Episode 4]

When Nero casually slaughters one of his guards, Hannah believes she's getting some insight into his psyche.

Hannah: (flatly) He's mental.
Me: He's gone through his entire life getting everything he wants. Nobody's ever refused him anything.
Hannah: What, he was born an emperor?
Me: Not quite, but he was 16 years old when he became one.

She's not normally a fan when the set designer uses a painted backdrop to make the hallways look bigger, but she finds the one in Nero's palace much more impressive than usual.

Hannah: That's one of the best wall paintings I've seen. I mean, so many earlier ones looked fake, but that one looks real. A painting of a hallway. Usually the perspective isn't quite right, but that one is awesome.

She picks up on a nice little detail when she notices the Doctor hiding his reading glasses behind his back whilst talking to Nero. The good news is that he prevents corrective lenses from being discovered twelve hundred years early; the bad news is that the sunlight passes through the lens and ignites the nearest curtain, giving Nero an idea on how to achieve his plans for a new Rome.

Hannah: That's interesting.
Me: What?
Hannah: He's the one that sets fire to Rome? Is this historically accurate? Did he go mad and burn it down on purpose?
Me: Historical accounts vary, but I think it's one of the more popular theories.

She's dismissive of Nero's potential new names for the city (which are along the lines of "Neropolis"), and feels she can do better.

Hannah: What about "Nerochester"?

When Ian and Barbara are reunited in the palace, Hannah can't help but feel like there's someone missing.

Hannah: For a second I thought Susan was going to pop out of that chest. I don't know why.
Me: She's not in it anymore!
Hannah: I know.

When Vicki points out to the Doctor that he was responsible for the fire, he seems to take some pleasure in the idea that his actions have had an effect on Earth's history and bursts into laughter.

Hannah: That's just weird. Creepy old murderer.

Ian and Barbara arrive back at the villa a few hours before the others.

Hannah: Oh, they're doing the fridge joke again. Wasn't funny the first time.

They're understandably peeved when the Doctor and Vicki return to the villa and assume Ian and Barbara have been lazing around during their absence.

Hannah: Well there's still time to go and tell them! How did she do her hair by herself? You'd think they would get PTSD from slave labour on a galley and then being washed up on the shore. Look, that perspective painting is all wrong.

With everyone finally reunited and the TARDIS taken off safely, our heroes can finally relax with a well-earned drink.

Hannah: They've stolen the jugs and goblets and things! They've nicked stuff out of that guy's house! Even after they've been living there for a month and stolen food out of his store.

As the story draws to a close, it feels like a good time to watch some DVD special features. Besides, I want to see if she spots the Monty Python reference.

Me: Would you like to watch the documentary? It's called What Has 'The Romans' Ever Done for Us?.
Hannah: Yeah, alright.

She's delighted to see Christopher Biggins as one of the interviewees ("I can't think of Biggins as a serious actor"), and after nine years she finally understands the reference to this story in the David Tennant episode "The Fires of Pompeii" where the Doctor mentions his involvement in the Great Fire of Rome, something she had previously assumed was just a throwaway joke. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Peter Ustinov is her least favourite Poirot.

The Score

Hannah: I like the fact that they get to the end and didn't actually meet at any point, that was fun. The Doctor and Barbara were both in the inner court of Nero and they never saw each other, but it's not too improbable. But generally I didn't like the comedy. It was weird and it interrupts the story.
Me: Do you not like it in the modern series?
Hannah: The whole feel of it seems completely different. Up to now everything's felt really "life or death" and then suddenly it has this comedy element. It was funny and I did grow to like it more, and Nero was fun... I think it just feels so out of place because it's the first one, but if they're going to carry on doing it, maybe a little bit but not to this degree, it'll probably work. So it's a weird direction they've taken, but despite the comedy it's actually a good, gripping story and well done.

7/10

Hannah: What would you give it?
Me: Probably a 9.
Hannah: Why? If I have to give reasons, you have to give reasons.
Me: That's not how this blog works.
Hannah: The comedy grew on me, but it still felt a little bit weird. Although now that you've made me think about it, I don't think the story would have worked without it. You could have had the chase scene and the jealous wife without the comedy, but the comedy made it better. If it had been a completely serious story, I don't think it would have been as good. So maybe it does deserve a little bit higher.

8/10

Hannah: An 8, because it wasn't that bad.
Me: What?
Hannah: It wasn't as bad as a 7.
Me: You're saying that the criteria for giving something eight out of ten is that it "isn't that bad"?
Hannah: It was funny, it worked, and it all came together.
Me: Talk about praising with faint damns.