The Chase

The Executioners [Episode 1]

Me: So, you may remember that the Doctor helped himself to a new bit of kit from the Space Museum at the end of the previous story.
Hannah: Yes. Did it have a hidden tracker inside it?
Me: No, but you're about to find out what it does.
Hannah: Does it turn the TARDIS into a tiny little china model?

Admittedly the model shot of the TARDIS in transit isn't the most convincing, but we both love the opening scenes of domestic life on board the ship; Hannah is a little put off by the "weird chirpy music" but it turns out to be the Doctor whistling as he repairs the museum piece. She's not sure about Ian's "striking" shirt either and it takes her a while to realise it's not a pair of pyjamas.

The Space-Time Visualiser is a "time television" that allows the operator to view any event in history. (Try not to think too hard about how it works.) When Ian asks for Pennsylvania on 19th November 1863 and the device somehow knows it should be focusing on Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address, Hannah immediately has questions.

Hannah: Pennsylvania's a large area. How would it know they want to see that bit? From that description it could have been a cow in a field. Or a worm underground.

A quick look at the throne room in the Elizabethan period reveals that Hannah is more familiar with the characters in The Merry Wives of Windsor than I had realised (even if she's half expecting Blackadder to turn up), and Ian's dancing to "Ticket to Ride" goes down very well when we finally get to the Beatles.

Hannah: Did they have to pay to use this clip?
Me: Yes, it's from Top of the Pops. The Beatles wanted to be in Doctor Who but they couldn't make the schedules meet; the plan was to have them as elderly versions of themselves performing a 50th anniversary concert, but they were busy filming Help! at the time so they used this footage instead. Although it does raise the question of how Ian knows the lyrics to a song that was recorded two years after he left Earth.
Hannah: Maybe he heard it when they were in the future at some point. It'll probably still be just as iconic.

Of course, it can't all be Beatles music. (We should be so lucky.)

Hannah: Whoever's doing the music for this story is, er... bit different. Sounds out of place. Ooh, an inside shot of the TARDIS as they're leaving it. I like that.

The TARDIS arrives on the desert planet of Aridius. The location footage for Aridius was filmed a mere 20-minute drive from where Hannah's parents now live, so I decide to see whether she can distinguish it from any other expanse of sand.

Me: Do you recognise this?
Hannah: Is it the fossilised forest?
Me: No, it's Camber Sands.
Hannah: Oh! It doesn't look like that, does it? With things.
Me: Does it look familiar now?
Hannah: No. It's some black and white sand.

She's completely nonplussed by the strange mix of different story styles.

Hannah: This episode is just a thing after a thing after a thing. It's all different. Domestic life, history programmes, exploration... and they seem to be doing a lot of filler this episode, otherwise they wouldn't have this scene with every single Dalek going through a narrow door one at a time.
Me: So you don't think it adds texture, then?
Hannah: No! They obviously didn't have enough to fill this episode.

When the episode ends with a Dalek emerging from a sand dune, the dramatic tension is somewhat undermined for Hannah because it sounds to her like the Dalek is coughing in disgust at being covered in sand.

Hannah: Very strange episode. Very strange. A bit of everything mixed in there. Some of it was really good, and then they had all those filler bits. It's like making a really nice drink and then diluting it with some water.

The Death of Time [Episode 2]

Hannah: How are the Daleks moving on sand?
Me: Well...
Hannah: And I don't see how the Aridians could possibly survive. They've completely evolved to live in the water, and now their planet is a desert wasteland. Why aren't they dead?

She's more forgiving of the similarly-afflicted "grotesque underground octopus" but then she gets engrossed in following the movements of a Dalek with a missing plate (or "bald bit") on its bottom section. Then Ian sets a trap that requires Barbara to sacrifice her second cardigan in as many stories.

Hannah: Oh. Playing chicken with a gun? This is just silly. I thought they were going to wave the clothes around, make them look like people.
Me: The Daleks have discovered space-time travel. They're not stupid.
Hannah: I think they are.

There's also a rather bizarre moment towards the end where the Doctor taunts a Dalek by calling him "Archie."

Hannah: "Archie"? As in "archenemy"?

Apparently it wasn't in the script, so your guess is as good as mine. Ah, the mysteries of life.

Flight Through Eternity [Episode 3]

Hannah: What's this, lounge music? The jaunty music in this story feels very out of place. And what's happening on those monitors in the Dalek ship? Are they trying to do magic eye tricks in the background?
Me: They've got to pass the time somehow. What do you expect them to do when they're not invading?
Hannah: Science.

After several establishing shots of New York City, our next stop is the observation deck of the Empire State Building.

Hannah: This is the weirdest story I've ever seen. Drama, drama, drama, then lovey little jolly music and a slide show of New York.
Me: That annoying tourist is played by Peter Purves, back in the days before he became a Blue Peter presenter. He originally auditioned to be a Menoptra in The Web Planet but ended up getting this job instead because he was too good to be hidden inside a giant butterfly costume.
Hannah: Everybody's putting on horrible American accents.

I'm going to assume she means that these specific accents are horrible, rather than American accents in general. Peter Purves isn't innocent in this either, as he's lumbered with playing a tourist from Alabama.

Hannah: Eugh. Oh, it's just awful.

When the Daleks turn up and confront the tourist, it looks for a moment like they're going to put us all out of our misery.

Hannah: Aw, does he die?
Me: Why, do you like him?
Hannah: No.

When the Doctor is tinkering with his equipment I can sense Hannah's disappointment that his screwdriver isn't a little more sonic, but she thinks the next set looks excellent. Except...

Hannah: Why does he keep bouncing around Earth?
Me: How do you know this is Earth?
Hannah: It's humans on a ship. Where else is it going to be?

Hannah, sadist that she is, laughs out loud when Vicki accidentally hits Ian on the head.

Hannah: He's been hit on the head so many times! He must have brain damage.

When the crew abandons ship to escape the Daleks, she almost manages to anticipate the historical in-joke (she goes with the Bermuda Triangle rather than the Mary Celeste, but close enough).

Hannah: Oh, that's actually really dark! A woman is jumping overboard with her baby!
Me: Unfortunately that really happened. The captain's wife and infant daughter were among the people who disappeared from the actual ship.

Hannah notices that the Daleks aren't actually shooting anyone, not even the Peter Purves character (so it's not as if they weren't provoked). The light-hearted comedic style combined with a sense of urgent threat just isn't meshing for her.

As the credits roll, Hannah can't resist taking one final swipe at the American tourist.

Hannah: Morton Dill. It's a stupid name for a stupid man.

Journey into Terror [Episode 4]

Hannah: Oh! Where are they this time? Are they still on Earth? That's just boring. It's too Earth-y. Obviously all the budget went on this dry ice.

She doesn't waste any time trying to get to the bottom of it.

Hannah: It's like a haunted house. Are they in Dracula's castle?
Me: Don't be silly, there's no such thing as Dracula.
Hannah: It looks like an actual haunted house. Like a fairground attraction. Clever, but I don't like it. Old-style camera tricks are creepier than CGI.

She doesn't seem overly shocked when Frankenstein's monster turns up, nor when Dracula makes an appearance shortly afterwards. But something about the vampire doesn't seem quite right.

Hannah: He's not speaking! Did they dub him because he couldn't speak with the false teeth?
Me: Interesting theory.
Hannah: Have they accidentally landed inside a book? I don't think that's quite how the TARDIS works.

Just to keep things interesting, a woman appears and screams at us.

Me: That's Rosalyn De Winter.
Hannah: Who?
Me: The insect movement choreographer on The Web Planet. She was put in this as a thank-you for her "insect movement" work.
Hannah: A thank-you? Like, "good work"?
Me: Astounding, isn't it?

Hannah is disappointed when the Daleks finally manage to destroy the Frankenstein monster (presumably due to his literary status as a misunderstood social outcast), but that's nothing compared to her reaction when the TARDIS accidentally leaves without Vicki.

Hannah: They've left her behind! I can't believe they forgot Vicki! Would he ever have forgotten Susan?

She's relieved to see that Vicki has stowed away on board the Dalek ship, and when the setting is revealed to be a haunted house attraction in Ghana she accepts it without asking too many questions. Probably for the best.

Hannah: I knew it! I really like the haunted horror thingy. I mean I hate that kind of thing and I would never go in one, but I thought it was a fun bit of plot.
Me: It still doesn't explain why the exhibits attack tourists.

To infiltrate the group, the Daleks create a robot duplicate of the Doctor that they claim is "impossible to distinguish from the original."

Hannah: Except the face. Why did they use a body double for the distance shot and then use Hartnell for the close-up? I know you need a body double if they're both going to appear in the same shot later on, but right there? Was Hartnell just not available for filming? He couldn't run from one end of the studio to the other in time because they're on such a tight schedule, but then he got there in time to do a quick close-up? Weird.

The Death of Doctor Who [Episode 5]

When the TARDIS lands on the planet Mechanus, lush with pulsating malevolent vegetation, Hannah flippantly suggests that they've landed inside a greenhouse. She's clearly still annoyed about Edmund Warwick playing the robot.

Hannah: Why couldn't they just use Hartnell? It's stupid. It's stupid and it sticks out. Are we supposed to tell the difference because the robot's got stripy trousers?
Me: And the fact that it doesn't look anything like him.

When the confrontation between the two Doctors finally takes place, Hannah manages to keep her enthusiasm in check.

Hannah: That was one of the most rubbish fights I've ever seen. Not because I thought the Doctor is a bad fighter but the two of them together... it's like they were doing it in slow motion, giving each other the time to attack.

The Planet of Decision [Episode 6]

Hannah: I remember the Mechanoids from that documentary about Doctor Who toys. I wondered when they would turn up. Well, actually I forgot about them until I saw them just now.

(The documentary is on the special edition DVD release of The Aztecs, if you're interested.)

When the Daleks repeat their chant from the previous episode, I'm impressed that she actually remembers the whole thing. Not to mention slightly unnerved when she starts joining in.

Hannah: "Attack and destroy! Destroy and rejoice!" Why are they rejoicing? I thought they didn't have emotions?
Me: That's Cybermen; Daleks are very emotional creatures. Mostly hatred. Have you not noticed how they gloat like playground bullies when everything goes their way, and then throw childish tantrums when they get thwarted?
Hannah: I know, I just keep forgetting because of the robotic voices.

The design of the Mechanoids looks great, although the effect is slightly spoiled by the antenna that suddenly pops out of the top.

Hannah: Ping pong balls on springs.
Me: Same to you.
Hannah: The Mechanoids look interesting, but they don't look very agile. They're basically a completely useless shape.

She's very impressed with the miniature model of the Mechanoid city.

Hannah: Someone actually had to build that. It doesn't look like there are any rooms; it's all corridors. What happens if two meet each other in a corridor?
Me: This.
Hannah: Ah yes, it's happening now. Are they dancing, conversing, or just annoyed that they can't get past?

In the Mechanoid cell our heroes meet a fellow prisoner, astronaut Steven Taylor. And his stuffed panda mascot.

Me: Does he seem familiar to you?
Hannah: No. Is that Purves again?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: He's the most animated guest character out of all the stories so far. The only one who appears to be slightly believable.

He's also grown rather attached to the panda over two years of isolation, so when our heroes accidentally start a fire during their escape he runs back inside to rescue it.

Hannah: (laughing) He's gone mad! He's going for the panda! I hope he's a descendant of that mad guy from Alabama. Oh, Ian's got his hands up Barbara's pants.

As the Daleks battle the Mechanoids (which are apparently much less resilient than the 20th century funfair attractions we saw earlier), the city goes up in flames. Hannah is devastated.

Hannah: Some actual fire! Oh, someone set fire to the model. That's really depressing! Someone put a lot of effort into that. It was the Kate Moss of sculptures.

After everything is wrapped up nicely, except for our heroes being completely oblivious to Steven running around lost in the jungle ("Aw, he's got his panda!" beams Hannah), there's just time to have a look inside the Dalek time machine. Incidentally, it's also bigger on the inside, for reasons that are never explained.

Hannah: So the Daleks have got dimensional science as well?
Me: Apparently.

When Ian and Barbara decide to use it to go home the Doctor is furious, but it's clear that he just doesn't want them to leave him.

Hannah: It's very emotional, he doesn't know if they're going to die or get back home safely. You can tell the Doctor is really upset and I think if he hadn't acted like that, it wouldn't have been right.

The Doctor watches their return on the Time Space Visualiser, although (as Hannah points out) given that they arrive two years off-target he would have needed to do a hell of a lot of trial and error to find them.

As the Doctor and Vicki set off, there's still something troubling Hannah.

Hannah: There's still a man outside. And his panda. They've left him behind as well! You don't even know if he's dead or just having to live on that planet for the rest of his life with a stuffed panda. I was hoping he might tag along and be the next companion. Has he stowed away? Maybe at the beginning of the next episode they're going to find him curled up in a corner with his panda and screaming "It's so big inside!"

Hannah watches the credits in a state of mild shock.

Hannah: I didn't think they'd ever leave.
Me: You knew they would at some point.
Hannah: I know, but I didn't... you know, you never think they will.
Me: Yeah. They've been there since the very beginning. It's the end of an era.
Hannah: I don't like it. 3 out of 10, there we go. We're done. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to watch it without them. I'm almost serious.
Me: I know how you feel. I've been dreading this story because I don't want them to go.
Hannah: They're the best bit. I suppose it would have been wrong for them not to jump at the chance to try and go home when the story has concluded with a fully-working time machine at their disposal, but I always thought the Doctor would die first. I'd like to see their reaction to a different Doctor; we've already seen the Doctor have to cope with another companion, so now I want to see the companions cope with another Doctor.
Me: You will. Just not yet.
Hannah: I know, but I wanted them! I wanted them to experience it.

The Score

Hannah: Okay, so... it's funny but weird. It's a very strange story, it's got all kinds of different things thrust together; you've got the little funny sequences alongside an overarching air of terror and then some deep and meaningful bits at the end. It's a big mish-mash, and I like parts of it and I don't like other parts of it. There's a lot of filler and some of the direction's a bit rubbish with some awkward, jarring cuts between shots. It's hard to rate this one. I like the story but the execution is a little rubbish; there are so many good bits and ideas but so much weirdness and rubbishness that it doesn't flow properly.

7/10

Hannah: I'm glad they got home.

The Space Museum

The Space Museum [Episode 1]

Hannah: Oooh. It's like a spaceship graveyard.

We pick up directly from the end of the previous episode, giving Hannah reason to believe she's spotted a continuity error.

Hannah: They've changed clothes! They've all changed clothes! Oh, they've noticed.

Yes, it's another episode with a string of inexplicable events, but the Doctor is taking it very calmly.

Hannah: How weirdly mundane.

Hannah is thrilled to finally see a story where the Doctor suggests that they all stick together rather than splitting up, and as the mystery unfolds she's constantly trying to work out what's going on. She finds it even more engaging when she realises nobody in the museum can see our heroes, although she's not sure why they were trying to hide at all ("Why didn't they just ask if they can come into the museum?"). She also gets a bit of a shock when they come to a museum exhibit of a Dalek.

Hannah: Well. Shit.

She's momentarily distracted by the idea that the people of Vicki's time apparently don't have pictures in their history books, but when she realises the travellers can't hear anything that's going on in the museum she's completely mystified.

Hannah: That's really strange. I haven't worked it out yet. I pride myself on being able to work out things.
Me: I wouldn't worry too much on this one.
Hannah: I think they're out of sync. And they're not quite in that universe.

When they discover they can't touch any of the items on display, it confirms her suspicions.

Hannah: There we go. They're out of phase. That's why they're not leaving footprints. Or the whole thing's a hologram. Oh look, they bumped into a mannequin that they can't touch.

Of course, that doesn't explain why the four of them subsequently discover their own mummified bodies in display cases.

Hannah: That's not nice.

The Doctor surmises that the TARDIS has "jumped a time track" and given them fourth dimensional difficulties.

Hannah: Is this story called "The Fourth Dimension"?
Me: No.
Hannah: Oh.

The display cases are only a potential future, and our heroes need to change their future once the realities have merged.

Hannah: Yeah, but they still haven't explained how those clothes got put on them in the first place.

Finally, time corrects itself; the bodies disappear and the Doctor's party finally arrives.

Hannah: That doesn't make any sense! Why aren't they in the TARDIS? Why didn't they arrive in the TARDIS?
Me: They did, that's why the footprints have only just appeared. Time has only just caught up with their actions.

There's a general fan consensus on this story which says that the first episode is great but that the premise is wasted by the three tedious ones that follow, so I'm interested to see what Hannah makes of this one so far.

Hannah: Very odd. Not bad, but odd. Is the next one... better?

The Dimensions of Time [Episode 2]

Hannah: Barbara looks like she's going to be sick.
Me: It's probably not a pleasant feeling when you're suddenly confronted with your own mummified body.

Cue the Xerons.

Hannah: Why have they all got their eyebrows drawn on?
Me: They've got two sets of eyebrows, which is lucky because I know how much you dislike aliens that look too humanoid.
Hannah: Ha. They're very strange but they've definitely gone back to using bipedal humanoids, just with weird hair and weird eyebrows.
Me: One of them is a young Jeremy Bulloch, who played Boba Fett in the Star Wars films. Although I've never understood why he's such a popular character, he hardly does anything in the original trilogy. It's barely even a speaking part.
Hannah: It's a really boring small pointless part, it's just that people were so interested in him that he got a cult following and was written into the prequels.

She's not impressed with the security in the museum; not only does Ian help himself to one of the guns on display, but the Doctor manages to get away with hiding inside the Dalek exhibit. His Dalek impression gives her a good laugh, until...

Hannah: What did he say? "I am the master"?! He can't say that.
Me: Why?
Hannah: The Master's a different character.
Me: Not yet.

A thought occurs when Ian uses the wool from Barbara's cardigan to trace their steps.

Hannah: They're wearing the same clothes that we saw in the cases. If she cuts the cardigan up, she can't be wearing it when they're in the cases.
Me: Good point.
Hannah: If they just take all their clothes off they can never be in the cases. Or does that just slightly change the future? Do they just see a different future where they're still in the cases, just naked?
Me: Will you not keep putting this image in my head please?
Hannah: Hang on, he unravelled a whole cardigan?!

Remarkably, the story still seems to be holding her interest after the promise of episode one.

Hannah: Interesting. Really interesting story, makes me think a lot.
Me: And the execution?
Hannah: Mostly well done. Still don't know how they changed their clothes at the beginning.

The Search [Episode 3]

Hannah: The weird time travel bit is completely irrelevant to the whole story; they could just have turned up, discovered that all intruders get put in boxes and tried not to get caught. But I like that they made it a time problem where they've seen the future and need to make sure that it doesn't happen. I like it when films and things do that, where there's a constant threat of something that might or might not happen.

Hannah, usually so quick to criticise the fight scenes in this programme, is pleasantly surprised when Ian takes on two Morok guards.

Hannah: Wow, there's some decent hand-to-hand combat.
Me: Some good knee-to-groin combat as well.
Hannah: The fight scenes are really good. Exceptionally good compared to most of the other stories.

If only the Moroks themselves were as good.

Hannah: Have you ever watched Babylon 5? There's a character that looks very much like the Moroks.
Me: What, all of them?
Hannah: That kind of hairstyle.

In fact, the Moroks in general aren't impressing her a great deal. Not that I blame her.

Hannah: They're rubbish soldiers.
Me: That's probably what happens when you're moonlighting as a militant museum curator.
Hannah: Why is everyone so stupid? How do they find their own arses?

The Final Phase [Episode 4]

Hannah: Was the Doctor on holibobs last time? Or did it just suit the story that he got captured?
Me: Both.

When the Doctor is defrosted like a leg of pork, Hannah is understandably critical of the science.

Hannah: So they've deep-frozen him but they were able to warm him up again? That was phase two? What was phase one, give him a little bit of a wipe down? It's supposed to be an embalming. Preparing actual embalmed bodies is intricate. All they did was warm him up again and somehow it undid both phases.

Then, when the Doctor calls out to Ian, we get one of those bizarre interludes that needs to be recorded for posterity. If only to prove to myself that it actually happened.

Hannah: Did he call him Breville?
Me: What?
Hannah: I know that's not what he said, but I didn't hear what it actually was.
Me: Who's Breville?
Hannah: A brand of toaster. (after some thought) It might have been "dear boy."
Me: "Breville." Good grief.

She's particularly enjoying the Doctor in this one. She's been finding him witty and fun throughout, admiring his mental control under interrogation a couple of episodes ago and even showing amusement at the sight of William Hartnell in a bathing suit. Here, it's his peculiar delivery of the line "it's a pity" that tickles her.

Hannah: (laughing) He's so weird.

Yet again our heroes are questioning whether their actions are successfully avoiding their destiny, or just bringing them closer to it. After three episodes it's impossible to overstate how repetitive this feels.

Hannah: There's a lot of time being filled with random talking.
Me: It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't just the same argument over and over again.

After all the "excitement" is over, the Doctor helps himself to a souvenir from the museum and explains the TARDIS fault to Ian and Barbara.

Me: Happy with that explanation?
Hannah: Yeah. It's alright. Except they never got changed.

The cliffhanger for the next story gets a mixed reaction.

Hannah: Well. That's a proper cliffhanger, isn't it? But Daleks again! I'm sick of them!
Me: We're watching all these stories very close together, though. This is only the third time in two years.
Hannah: We've already seen one in this story!
Me: That doesn't count.
Hannah: Did they put that in to remind people?
Me: The Daleks turn up about as often as this in the new series as well. In fact they're used a lot more sparingly in the old series after the first few years.
Hannah: Fine. Fair enough. So it introduces the fact that the Daleks now have the ability to time travel. And now they can track the TARDIS? The Doctor's obviously not putting the cloak on.
Me: The cloak?
Hannah: Cloaking devices, for ships.
Me: Oh. Not his actual cloak, then? The black one?
Hannah: No.

But never mind the Daleks, the real cliffhanger is the Time-Space Visualiser. We won't see the Doctor's new toy in action until next time, but that doesn't stop Hannah second-guessing what it does.

Hannah: Does it give us the intro where the TARDIS flies through a wormhole?
Me: No...
Hannah: It visualises time and space, so it goes through the vortex. It makes pretty colours.
Me: You mean the intro from 2005?
Hannah: Yes. Are you telling me they don't have anything interesting like that until the modern series?

The Score

Hannah: Well, it was a completely different style, and I liked it. It's quite fun and I like the Doctor in this one. Interesting story and good fight scenes, well-choreographed, but there was a lot of rambling in that last one as if they were trying to fill time. It feels like the writer got bored and didn't really know what to do, so he just had them say the same things over and over again.
Me: Only that last one?
Hannah: Some of the rest was a bit like that, but specifically the last one. I like the idea of a museum in space and it would have been nice to actually see more exhibits, but obviously you'd have to make all those exhibits and pay for them so I can see why they didn't do it. I think it was a fun story...
Me: Do you?
Hannah: Yeah. I don't think it rates particularly highly because it's got a lot holding it back, but it was an interesting concept to do some weird timey stuff. But it could have been a lot better.

5/10

The Crusade

The Lion [Episode 1]

Hannah: Ah, Turks. Are they going to visit the Ottoman Empire? Another period of history I know nothing about.
Me: How do you know they're Turks?
Hannah: I thought that style of helmet was from the Ottoman Empire. I could be wrong. Like I said, I know nothing.

They're actually Saracens, and we're in 12th century Jaffa. When Richard the Lionheart turns up, she manages to get her historical bearings.

Hannah: Ah, I see. So they're getting mixed up in the Crusades!
Me: So it would seem.
Hannah: It's a shame they didn't go and see Robin Hood instead.
Me: You'll have to wait for Peter Capaldi to do that.

A noise can be heard off-camera.

Hannah: Who's smashing those bits of metal around?
Me: It's a sword fight.
Hannah: It's more like an impatient child banging cutlery together.

When Ian inevitably ends up getting involved, the fight choreography is so convincing that Hannah is surprised to feel a genuine sense of peril for a change.

Hannah: He's actually fighting for his life.
Me: He's a man of many talents.
Hannah: Well, he had some training with the Aztecs. And he probably learnt a bit as a gladiator.

She's less appreciative when he's lying on the ground and manages to dodge a sword aimed at his head.

Hannah: (laughing derisively) No.
Me: No?
Hannah: If someone was swinging for your head, just moving your head to one side wouldn't stop them. They'd still be able to cut your head off.

She can open a champagne bottle with a sword, so I'll take her word for it.

Hannah: And a one-handed throw like that wouldn't be enough to pierce your sternum, you'd be very lucky to get in between the ribs.

Down in the city, the Doctor distracts a merchant while Vicki lifts some clothes from his stall. Hannah doesn't know what to make of this behaviour, nor is she convinced by the Doctor's rationale that the clothes on the market stall were originally stolen in the first place.

Hannah: Does that make it morally right then? The Doctor can't steal, but apparently if he's stealing stolen goods then it's fine.
Me: For the last time...
Hannah: I know, I know, David Tennant stole money from a cash machine. But they're writing a justification into it this time.

When Barbara starts telling Saladin about her recent adventures (because why wouldn't you tell a 12th century sultan about a planet full of giant insects?), he takes her to be a travelling player. Hannah finds this unprecedented bit of lateral thinking rather refreshing.

Hannah: That's quite a good idea. He doesn't instantly assume they must be time travellers.
Me: Why would he?
Hannah: The astronauts did at the beginning of The Sensorites.
Me: Yes, but they were from the 28th century and he's from the Middle Ages.
Hannah: I like how his first thought is that it sounds like a perfectly good explanation for an actor. This story seems to be well-written and well-acted, and even the fight scenes have been pretty alright. I'm optimistic.
Me: And what do you think of his blackface?
Hannah: Because it's black and white it's hard to tell, but I did think that was the case. I want to know what colour he was in colour.
Me: What?
Hannah: It's filmed in black and white, so he could be painted anything to appear that shade. I want to know what colour he was painted. Is it just a heavy tan?
Me: As far as I know it was just normal blackface. I don't suppose he was painted purple or anything.

Meanwhile, King Richard suspects that his brother John is planning to usurp the crown in his absence.

Hannah: With the help of a snake.
Me: I think that's just the Disney version.

Saladin, ostensibly the villain of the piece, has been honourable and sincere throughout the episode so Hannah's moral compass isn't sure what to make of Richard's refusal to help our heroes.

Hannah: I'm starting to see the shades of grey here... even though Saladin is keeping Barbara prisoner and everything, you kind of think maybe he's the slightly nicer guy because he's treating everyone so well. Is Julian Glover someone I should know? I recognise the name.
Me: He's been in tons of things, including films in the Star Wars, Indiana Jones and James Bond franchises, but you most likely recognise him from Game of Thrones. Or possibly as the voice of the giant spider in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The Knight of Jaffa [Episode 2]

Hannah: Mmmm. Now those are some moustaches.

Hannah's attitude towards King Richard isn't helped by his dining etiquette.

Hannah: It's very rude to talk while eating.
Me: He's the king, he can do whatever he likes. I expect Charles will do that.

I don't tend to point out every single recurring actor in the series but sometimes I have to make an exception. Today that exception is Gábor Baraker, playing the merchant Luigi.

Me: Remember Wang-Lo from Marco Polo?
Hannah: Is it the same actor?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: Is he the one with the horrendously horrible racist accent?
Me: That's the one.
Hannah: I see.

When Ian kneels before the king...

Hannah: He's getting knighted by a king! I hope his hand doesn't slip.

...and arises as Sir Ian, knight of Jaffa, Hannah seems genuinely touched.

Hannah: Aw!

Half the story is missing (episodes 2 and 4 to be exact), so for the first time in a while we're forced to watch more reconstructions. The scene in which the Doctor deals with the matter of the stolen clothes is very confusing, and the lack of moving footage doesn't help in the slightest.

Hannah: So the Doctor got the chamberlain to pay the merchant back for stuff that was stolen from him? That doesn't make any sense at all.

As the episode ends ("I hear chickens!"), Hannah muses on what she's seen so far. Including the bits she hasn't actually seen.

Hannah: It's okay. It seems to be better constructed than some of the other ones. Better than the Mothra shuffling around anyway, it's got people doing people things and they're actually able to move around and fight each other a bit.
Me: Mothra is the giant moth from the Godzilla franchise. Anyway, you like aliens.
Hannah: I love aliens. I don't like aliens that are rubbish and can barely walk on the set.
Me: I thought you liked the Menoptra?
Hannah: I did, but I didn't like the ants. They were rubbish. Cute, but rubbish.

The Wheel of Fortune [Episode 3]

Barbara is accosted by a stranger and decides to take her chances with him rather than deal with her pursuers, much to Hannah's disbelief.

Hannah: Why does she trust him?
Me: She hasn't got a lot of choice.
Hannah: These guards are rubbish. Why does no one ever actually look round corners? And how can they strangle someone that quietly? It's not quick.

On the Doctor's instructions, Vicki is pretending to be a boy; Hannah is hard-pressed to think of a reason for this particular strategy, and to be honest I have no idea either.

Hannah: I can see her boobs. It's not a very good disguise.

The king's sister Joanna tells the Doctor "there's something new in you, yet something older than the sky itself." It's arguably the best line in the whole story and I'm glad to see how much Hannah appreciates it.

Hannah: I like that. He seems like an old man, but somewhere deep underneath he's a different species and can see all of time and space.

When Vicki's ruse is uncovered, the chamberlain is completely bewildered. He's not the only one.

Hannah: They thought it was more believable that she was a boy? Even though she's got boobs and she's quite old for someone whose voice hasn't broken. How old is Vicki?
Me: They didn't give her an age in the series. All we know is that she's a teenager.
Hannah: That's very vague, that's all the way from 13 to 19.
Me: You don't say.

The story gets a great deal more disturbing when Haroun leaves Barbara and his daughter hiding in his house; he gives Barbara a knife so that she can kill them both if the soldiers are likely to find them. The subtext is uncomfortably clear.

Hannah: This is dark!
Me: Yep. Not for kids, is it?
Hannah: "Kill my daughter and yourself before the men take you away to be raped."
Me: You wouldn't get that in Thunderbirds.

Speaking of ethical conundrums, the king wants to marry his sister off to Saphadin in the name of peace. It's obvious whose side Hannah is on.

Hannah: Why don't you do it? Why don't you marry him?

But when the argument is over, she takes a more diplomatic view of things.

Hannah: I mean, I like the idea of peace but I also quite like feminism, the idea of a woman being able to choose her own fate.
Me: Even if it prolongs a war and leads to the mass slaughter of many people?
Hannah: It's difficult.

When we return to Saladin, she's relieved to find that one of the more distasteful elements of this production has seemingly been abandoned. Maybe.

Hannah: Oh, did they not do blackface this time round? Did people complain?
Me: I think they have, haven't they?
Hannah: It's nowhere near as dark as it was.
Me: Maybe they ran out of boot polish.

Nevertheless, she continues to find his principles very refreshing.

Hannah: He's relatively honourable, he's not being portrayed as a stereotypical villain or a horrible barbarian.

When the guards show up and notice the crockery is still warm, Hannah is pleased to see some intelligent lackeys for a change. Any goodwill towards them quickly evaporates when they casually knock over some pots ("Well that was just unnecessary") and steal some bread, although I don't think this is the kind of worst-case scenario Haroun had in mind when he gave Barbara the knife.

Me: It would be interesting if Barbara actually killed his daughter though, wouldn't it? In terms of drama, I mean.
Hannah: It would be really... big.

I suppose that's about as much endorsement as I was expecting.

Hannah: Is Ian on holiday?
Me: Look, he's there.
Hannah: But he's only in this one scene and it's outdoors, so it's pre-filmed, right?

She's getting very good at this.

Elsewhere the Doctor is in trouble with the king, and it's the Earl of Leicester's fault.

Hannah: Goddamn Leicester. I thought I liked your cheese.

The Warlords [Episode 4]

Hannah: Oh no. He's going to get sunburn out there.

Ian has been tied down in the desert, and is being confronted with ants for the second time in as many stories. Hannah thinks his antagonist has a way with words...

Hannah: "I am cursed with the affliction of disbelief." I like that. Poetic.

...but she's less keen on the way he says it.

Hannah: Is he mad, or are they mocking Arabic speaking?

Barbara is now being hidden from El Akir by the girls in his harem, until one of them gives her away (or, as Hannah observes, "she's betraying all of her harem sisters for a ring"). This clearly touches a nerve, and when the other women take revenge on the traitor she seems downright bloodthirsty.

Hannah: So they rip her apart? I like it.

The Score

Hannah: It was interesting... no, it wasn't. The story wasn't that interesting. It was witty, it was well-written, the fighting was actually decent this time, but it was a bit boring. A little bit. I'm hoping it wasn't just because episodes were missing, it's always difficult when there's a few missing and you can't see a lot of the action. But there are so many different elements, it could have been better as a longer story and expanded upon.
Me: If you'd like it better as a longer story, we do have a copy of the novelisation.
Hannah: It wasn't bad at all, it just didn't impact me as much as it could have done. But I like it. I just don't love it. I don't want to be harsh, but I'm only going to give it...

6/10

The Web Planet

The Web Planet [Episode 1]

Shortly before we began this story, we watched an episode of the new BBC adaptation of Howards End. Hannah commented afterwards that she found the pacing too fast, so now I'm worried that I've conditioned her to the pacing of 1960s television and spoiled her ability to watch anything else for a while. Still, if it's glacial pacing she wants, she's in for a treat this week.

She seems pleased with the establishing shot of the night sky on the planet Vortis, at least.

Hannah: Oooh! Moon!

Despite being dragged off course, the TARDIS travellers have found time to divest themselves of the clothes they acquired in ancient Rome.

Hannah: They've changed their clothes.
Me: Good. You don't want them wandering around an alien planet wearing togas.
Hannah: Still got a goblet, though. I hope Barbara and Ian tell their Rome story, they haven't had the chance yet and I want to see the Doctor and Vicki's reactions. And I don't see how the TARDIS can get caught or stuck when it can materialise out of anything, into anything.

We get off to a rocky start when the odd behaviour of the TARDIS gives her vibes of The Edge of Destruction and the annoyance she felt with that story. Luckily this passes and she admits to finding the story very atmospheric, intriguing and mysterious; unfortunately it's at this point that she gets her first look at a Zarbi in all its "glory" and sees an alien that just happens to look exactly like a giant ant. Or, more precisely, a giant ant on a large pair of human legs.

Hannah: Oh. Oh, wow. At first I thought they were little models, but no, they've got people with legs.
Me: Two stories ago in The Rescue you were disappointed that the planet Dido wasn't awash with giant alien insects.
Hannah: I'm happy, then. I'm just heavily distracted by the fact that Ian's wearing a coat, as if he already knows that he's going to go outside and that it's going to be cold.

Sure enough we later find Ian and the Doctor out for a walk on the planet's surface, having taken the precaution of wearing some Atmospheric Density Jackets to protect themselves against the thin atmosphere.

Hannah: I don't see how those jackets are going to do anything for them at all. Especially if Ian doesn't do his up.

Hannah is enjoying hearing about Vicki's life and wants to find out more, but the scene is cut short when Vicki and Barbara are attacked by some kind of psychic presence.

Hannah: I want her mind to get taken over by a giant insect and then try to walk without having enough legs. It's really funny when characters get possessed by something that's not bipedal.

She loves the larvae gun creature, which she subsequently refers to as either "that little mop thing" or "the mop-louse" throughout the rest of the story, but amazingly the giant insects aren't even the most visually striking part of the episode.

Me: Do you like the lens filter?
Hannah: It's making it very difficult to see things properly, but yes. Is it intentional?
Me: Yes, they've smeared the camera lens with Vaseline.
Hannah: Really?
Me: Yep.
Hannah: Really?! What, to make it all weird and ethereal?
Me: The key thing about this story is that they've pulled out all the stops to create a truly alien planet. So they made everything look blurry and filled it with giant alien insects.
Hannah: But they're Earth insects. Apart from that thing that looked like a mop.
Me: You know how you're always complaining about aliens looking too human? This is the only story in the whole of Doctor Who where none of the supporting cast look like human beings. They're all properly alien.
Hannah: Good. I look forward to seeing them.
Me: What did you mean, "was it intentional?"
Hannah: I thought you were going to tell me that the only surviving copy has gone fuzzy or something.
Me: But only on the outdoor scenes?
Hannah: I thought perhaps it showed up more against the black background.
Me: Actually, that's a good point; maybe that's the reason they're wearing so many white clothes, to show off the blurry effect. That could be why the Doctor's wearing a white hat when he normally wears a black one, and why they're wearing white jackets over their normal clothes.

Our first cliffhanger sees the Doctor returning to the TARDIS only to find it missing.

Hannah: Aw, he looks really upset! Maybe he should have left the brakes on or something.

The Zarbi [Episode 2]

Hannah: There's a lot of Vaseline this week.

We're introduced to the Menoptra (or "Menoptera" if you insist on using the alternative spelling), who look suspiciously like actors in giant butterfly costumes. Hannah reacts with a string of noises that I can't possibly begin to transcribe, followed by...

Hannah: They're creepy. They look like giant-eyed fluffy mimes. Mimes that speak.
Me: We all look like mimes that speak.
Hannah: They're black and white and stripey, like a stereotypical French mime. And waving their arms around like they're trying to do some sort of dance.

After challenging the effectiveness of the Atmospheric Density Jackets in the previous episode, she now questions the wisdom of removing them.

Hannah: If they're pressure suits, why are they taking them off? And Barbara's gone out without one anyway.

When Vicki gets a look at the Zarbi on the monitor, it confirms Hannah's belief that she "continues to be better than Susan."

Hannah: Susan would have screamed. It wouldn't have helped.

After getting another look at the Menoptra, a penny suddenly drops.

Hannah: I recognise that suit now! It was in the museum at the Doctor Who Experience. Is it a moth or a bee?
Me: Neither, it's a Menoptra.
Hannah: You said they weren't humanoid, but they've got arms.
Me: They still don't look like humans, do they? It's a giant bloody butterfly!
Hannah: Oh, and they speak English. I'm not surprised. I like their intonation and stilted voices though.

To Hannah, the image of the Doctor and Ian following the trail of the TARDIS looks very much like two drunks trying to stumble home from the pub ("Now he's thrown his coat on the floor! Littering on an alien planet"). The Zarbi are bringing it to a cave made from "very pretty screens" but we don't get to see it on the back of a giant ant, much to Hannah's chagrin.

Hannah: Looks like it's going through a car wash. Little fronds going to clean its windows.

The Zarbi can only communicate by rubbing their legs together to create a shrill chirping noise. Given that Hannah has been relentlessly criticising English-speaking aliens ever since we started watching the series, I'm hoping she'll be thrilled.

Me: Look, they don't speak English.
Hannah: Which doesn't make sense. Why does everybody else speak English and they don't? Either everyone should speak in their own native language, or everyone should speak English. You can't have half and half. The only places that should be speaking proper English are places on Earth from the late medieval period onward. Nowhere else should be speaking English on a completely alien planet!
Me: What about when they visit other planets in the future--
Hannah: That have been colonised by humans who speak English? Yes, that's acceptable!
Me: That's very gracious of you.
Hannah: But an alien planet that's never had any significant contact with humans should not be speaking English!
Me: Are you going to do this with every story?
Hannah: Yes! If the TARDIS is translating, it should be translating this.

She's infuriated even further when one of the Zarbi gains access to the TARDIS...

Hannah: No! Get out of the TARDIS! Nobody on the outside should be able to get in.

...but this is soon forgotten when the Zarbi immediately back out again and starts spinning wildly.

Hannah: (laughing) It's bigger on the inside! He's freaking out!

After the cliffhanger ("A thing! Oh, it's a little communicator lampshade"), she wonders what the Zarbi will do with the Menoptra they captured.

Hannah: Maybe they'll pull his wings off. That would be funny.
Me: You worry me.

Escape to Danger [Episode 3]

Hannah is visibly impressed when Vicki agrees to stay with the "angry ants" as collateral.

Hannah: She's so much more calm and level-headed than Susan.

Then we come to arguably the most infamous part of the story, as one of the Zarbi runs straight into the camera.

Hannah: (laughing) Did he just walk into the camera? That means they can hardly see out of those things at all!
Me: It's one of the all-time classic Doctor Who moments.
Hannah: Is it like the stormtrooper walking into the door in Star Wars?
Me: Exactly like that.
Hannah: It was at the very beginning of a shot. Why didn't they want to re-do that bit? It wouldn't have taken five seconds to go back and do it again. It doesn't even follow on anywhere.

She also points out that neither Vicki nor Barbara have complained about the fact that they can't breathe without the Atmospheric Density Jackets, an observation that somehow evolves into a discussion about the gravitational strength of Vortis.

Hannah: It must have a lower gravity, otherwise the Zarbi's exoskeletons would crush them. Even if they were as big as mice they'd be crushed under their own weight.

When Ian makes his escape, the Doctor assures Vicki that he's good at this sort of thing (or, in Hannah's words, "I constantly put him in bad situations and he hasn't died yet"), but this confidence appears to be misplaced when chaos ensues.

Hannah: There's just stuff everywhere! Everyone is running everywhere! There's ants going this way, a moth going that way, this thing got shot...

For the second time in this story, the Doctor makes a passing reference to his first aid kit. This is enough to convince Hannah that there's an ulterior motive at work here.

Hannah: Why is the first aid kit so important this time around? Maybe they received a complaint that no one is ever shown to actually get injured, so they've decided to write it into every single episode of this story. Or were they being sponsored?
Me: So you think parents were writing in and complaining that the show wasn't violent enough? I don't think you have much of a handle on the parent reactions to this programme.
Hannah: No, just complaining that it wasn't showing sound first aid principles.

As we reach the half-way point in this ambitious story, Hannah takes a moment to reflect on how successfully it meets those ambitions.

Hannah: I think it would be really good if it wasn't rubbish. It's very ambitious and I can see that they've tried really, really hard at making it nice and alien and all that, but it's poorly executed in some places and let down by all the shots of people in giant ant costumes shuffling across the ground and unable to see anything.

Crater of Needles [Episode 4]

Hannah: Is that the Crater of Needles? A flat area in a canyon with some bits sticking out?

In the crater, some imprisoned Menoptra are being put to work. Well, mostly.

Hannah: What's the one in the background doing? Having a dance?
Me: It wouldn't surprise me.

Beneath the planet's surface Ian discovers the Optera, subterranean descendants of the Menoptra.

Hannah: I didn't think there were any other species?
Me: They're not another species, strictly speaking.
Hannah: They're like froghoppers! The tiny little things that live in cuckoo spit. And they go ping! I like the way he jumps for emphasis. It's interesting that there's another species that's got nothing to do with the war. Oh, their little gestures!

Speaking of gestures...

Hannah: The Menoptra walk so silly. Look, she's prancing like a little horse, picking her feet up really high and running around saying "I will lead you!"

The ensuing battle scene between Menoptra and Zarbi involves everyone running around like insects at a picnic, and seems to be stirring up some harrowing memories for Hannah ("Flying insects," she groans).

Hannah: I don't see what they're achieving. There's some very nice cinematography of them flying around, but all of the fights seem really slow and silly because nobody can move in their costumes. No real sense of danger. Wow, the weapons really don't work.

There's no point in avoiding it any longer; it's time to talk about Roslyn De Winter.

Me: Do you notice anything interesting about the credits in this story?
Hannah: "Insect movement"? What, did they have some remote control--
Me: No, they actually got a choreographer for the Menoptra movements.
Hannah: What about all the rest? What about the people wearing ant costumes who look ridiculous and unconvincing?
Me: They just walk around.
Hannah: Rubbishly.
Me: But the movements of the Menoptra were actually choreographed. And their stilted voices, as well.
Hannah: I like it. I like the Menoptra mannerisms, they're curious and endearing and it makes them a more "alien" alien. Like you said, the idea is to make them as alien as possible and it works, they're a good alien. Unfortunately the Zarbi are absolute crap.

Invasion [Episode 5]

Hannah is finally starting to appreciate one of the Zarbi and even finds it cute, once the Doctor and Vicki manage to gain control of it and start treating it like a pet. Then she falls into the beginner's trap of trying to make some kind of sense of things.

Hannah: The science of this is very strange. He's controlling an ant wearing a necklace that's been switched off by waving his ring at him. Okay.

The chimney in the Temple of Light looks familiar to Hannah.

Hannah: The first thing that came to my head was a Viennetta but I don't know why. A chimney of Viennetta.
Me: Wow. You've got a nerve calling the science strange.

It's time to see if Hannah can spot the famous actor. Admittedly she may find it a little tricky to identify the completely unrecognisable person inside one of the Menoptra costumes, but I decide to try my luck.

Me: Do you recognise that actor?
Hannah: No! Why would I?
Me: It's Martin Jarvis.
Hannah: I don't know who that is.
Me: You've never listened to his readings of the Just William stories?
Hannah: No.
Me: Really? I'd have thought it would be exactly your kind of thing. His recordings are fantastic, we listened to them on long car journeys during every summer of my childhood. Except for one year when we listened to Willie Rushton reading the Asterix stories.

But another one of the Menoptra, Prapillus, does sound very familiar to Hannah. He reminds her of another actor and she can't put her finger on it, until...

Hannah: Is that thingy from Dad's Army? Your favourite one?
Me: Sergeant Wilson?
Hannah: I suppose you would know if it was him, though.
Me: No, it's not John Le Mesurier.
Hannah: It sounded like him. (pause) Didn't it?
Me: Er... a bit?
Hannah: And I'm not just saying this because I want to recognise someone. I just thought he sounded familiar.
Me: Well he played a giant bird in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so I suppose a giant butterfly isn't too much of a stretch. Not that he would have needed to dress up in a ridiculous costume for the radio.

Meanwhile, Ian is doing something to one of the Menoptra just out of frame.

Hannah: Um. What is he doing to her?
Me: What does it look like?
Hannah: I mean I don't want this in the blog, but it looks like he[REDACTED].
Me: Unfortunately it's not up to you what goes in the blog, is it?
Hannah: Yes it is!

Hannah finds it rather tedious that Barbara and her Menoptra friends have literally spent an entire episode discussing warfare tactics.

Hannah: All this standing around and planning. Just do it! Or did they realise there wasn't quite enough plot for six episodes and they needed to pad it out?
Me: Don't worry, you'll get used to it.

The Centre [Episode 6]

Hannah: I thought the Crater of Needles would be more needly and that we'd actually see more of it. They spoke about it so much during all the previous episodes, and then there was one distant picture of it and we saw people stumbling around throwing some seaweed into pools of acid and that was it. There were no needles and it wasn't very obvious that it was a crater. Disappointed in the follow-through.

The Doctor and Vicki are bound in a sticky white substance.

Hannah: Drowning in marshmallow. That looks really, really not nice. What did they hope to achieve by just walking in through the front door?

Ever the keen naturalist, Hannah takes a morbid fascination in a dead Menoptra.

Hannah: Aw. Look, they go all stiff, like when you find a dead insect. Like an upturned fly with its legs sticking out.

Meanwhile, in the tunnels below, Ian's idea of exploring the terrain is to start "poking at soft things" (in Hannah's words).

Hannah: Imagine if he found the Animus' waste pipe and pulled it out.
Me: Ew.

Thankfully the Animus is eventually defeated in a much less nauseating manner.

Hannah: I wanted to know more about the Animus. There are so many creatures that I really want to see again in later stories, and you won't tell me if they will be or not.
Me: If there's anything you want to see again, just read some novels or listen to the audio dramas. Pretty much anything that turns up in the television series will reappear in other media at some point, there's a sequel to practically every story element you can think of.
Hannah: Not the same.
Me: No, it's often much better.

With harmony restored to Vortis, the liberated Menoptra and Zarbi are celebrating but Hannah seems to be lacking empathy.

Hannah: "What was your breakout acting role?" "Idiot jumping."

The Optera are having trouble adjusting to their new life on the surface; the Menoptra advise them to be strong and they'll gradually acclimatise.

Hannah: Photosensitivity! You can't just say "be strong". That's not how evolution works.
Me: Was it evolution or devolution?
Hannah: Evolution is random genetic changes. There's no such thing as devolution.
Me: Try telling that to the Scottish Parliament.
Hannah: Speaking of evolution, why do the gun creatures even exist?

When the Doctor and Ian enter the TARDIS and wait for Barbara and Vicki to join them, Hannah is suddenly struck by the real-world absurdity of this.

Hannah: (laughing) I love that the actors are just stood in a box, waiting for the others to come and quietly stand in the box with them.

With the story finally over, the only thing that remains is to drop another bombshell.

Me: This story has the highest average audience figure of any Hartnell story.
Hannah: Why? Did they really advertise it or something? Or did everyone watch the first one and then told their friends "you need to watch the rest of this story"?
Me: It was the first story to have a promotional trailer. And there were only three channels in those days, so maybe there wasn't much competition on the other two.
Hannah: True. Maybe what was on the other side was really boring for that six-week period. Maybe the snooker was finished or something. Snooker in black and white sounds absolutely stupid.

"And for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."

The Score

Hannah: Good. Would watch again.
Me: You'd be watching on your own.
Hannah: Well, I liked it. You said that it was their attempt to do something striking and special and really try to get the alien element into it, and I think they've done that. Unfortunately some of it didn't work, which is sad. I loved the Menoptra and the Optera, they were cute and weird. If they'd somehow managed to make the costumes just as visually striking but also allow them to actually do some acting and move properly in them, then it would have been amazing and I'd have given it 10 out of 10.

I almost choked on my tea at this point.

Hannah: So... good story, beautiful presentation, amazing aliens, rubbish physical acting, bad choreography of the fight scenes and a little bit too much talking in places. I'm genuinely having trouble scoring this because I want to love it, but at the same time it's a little bit rubbish. It's like your child has made you a painting, but it's shit. There's too much wrong with it to score very high, but too much endearing about it to score very low.
Me: You could split the difference and call it 2.
Hannah: I'd give the Menoptra an 11 out of 10, but I'd give the execution of the story...

6/10

The Romans

The Slave Traders [Episode 1]

We kick off with a reprise of the last story's (literal) cliffhanger.

Hannah: Oh yeah, they fell off the cliff because he can't park. Can the TARDIS break? Could you just crack it?
Me: You'll have to keep watching.
Hannah: Because I've learned in the later episodes that it fixes itself and all kinds of things, it's pretty much impenetrable.

With no explanation we segue into a scene with the four of them on holiday in an ancient Roman villa. I'm expecting Hannah to comment on this transition but she doesn't seem remotely fazed; she has more pressing issues on her mind.

Hannah: Lying down and eating is really bad for you. Why did the Romans think it was a good idea? It's really bad for digestion.

The narrative gaps are filled in when Barbara and Vicki are at the marketplace, after Barbara has given Vicki a lesson in supply and demand ("She's a good teacher").

Hannah: They've been there a month? Through choice?
Me: Yes, it's a Roman Holiday.
Hannah: And their hosts are happy with that?

As it turns out, the owner of the villa is currently away in Gaul.

Hannah: (laughing) They're squatters! And they're getting their money by picking his garden clean and selling it at the market.

There's a perfectly-timed gag that involves the Doctor mispronouncing Ian's surname yet again, which gives Hannah a good chuckle.

Hannah: Was this slapstick? It feels like a Carry On film.
Me: Sort of. It's the first Doctor Who story to be written as a proper comedy instead of just having funny bits.
Hannah: Why would they do that? It's hard to take seriously.
Me: They do it all the time in the new series.
Hannah: What, a whole episode full of jokes?
Me: There's "The Lodger", "The Unicorn and the Wasp", "Partners in Crime"...
Hannah: It's just that Rome doesn't seem very funny. Rome always feels very luxurious, with the imminent sense of death.
Me: And if you think the Douglas Adams stuff is going to be written as straight drama when we get there, you're going to be very disappointed.

Things take a dark turn when Ian and Barbara are captured by a group of slave traders.

Me: Of course, when I say it's written as a comedy, it doesn't mean there aren't some...
Hannah: Horrible elements like human slavery?

All Roads Lead to Rome [Episode 2]

Hannah: It's funny that it's Romans, because the book I'm listening to at the moment has suddenly gone all Roman.
Me: Which book is that?
Hannah: Ultima by Stephen Baxter. It's a sci-fi book about travelling to other planets, and they've suddenly come across some Romans in the year 2200.

When we cut to a slave ship at sea, Hannah is very impressed.

Hannah: Ooh, an actual boat on some water. Where did they get the budget for that?
Me: I can't tell if you're joking.
Hannah: No, seriously?
Me: It's stock footage.
Hannah: Ah. I did think so. I'm surprised you weren't able to tell me exactly where it was from.

Inside the galley, Ian and the other slaves are manning the oars and having a fairly rough time of it.

Hannah: Do they usually have companions actually being tortured?
Me: Not off the top of my head, no.
Hannah: I mean, I know they've been through things, they've been in prison before and stuff like that. But this...

Things get worse when a storm approaches ("Someone's throwing buckets of water at them while they're sat on the set"), and Ian and his friend Delos are washed ashore somewhere near Rome.

Hannah: How can he know they're near Rome? Unless there's a sign that says "Rome..."
Me: Roma.
Hannah: "...5 miles."
Me: V miles.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Vicki finally meet Emperor Nero. Incidentally, my favourite Hannah reaction of this story is her giggle at Tigilinus' sad face when Nero wipes his hands on his cloak.

The cliffhanger comes when a recaptured Ian and Delos are threatened with being fed to some very disinterested-looking lions.

Me: Any ideas on how they could afford those lions?
Hannah: That's stock again, isn't it? It's filmed on a different camera.

Conspiracy [Episode 3]

Hannah: I don't like it as a "comedy" comedy. It's weird.
Me: In what way?
Hannah: I can't get immersed in the story. It's an interesting new direction, and it does make it stand out and probably stops it being just another Roman story like thousands of others, but I find it very annoying.

Not that this has stopped her laughing out loud throughout the story. Admittedly she seems a bit less engaged when the episode briefly turns into a French farce (or "Finding Nero" if you prefer) and half the cast starts chasing each other around the palace. For Hannah, the most contrived moment occurs when the Doctor overhears Nero pursuing Barbara.

Hannah: He didn't recognise Barbara's scream? She's screamed enough times.

We may disagree on how well the comedy works in this story, but at least we can agree that the new companion is great.

Hannah: Vicki is much less annoying than Susan. The Doctor wants to look after her a little, probably because he misses smothering Susan, but he's not as overprotective and he lets her run around a lot more. I can't imagine Susan running around the palace and making friends with the official poisoner, he never used to let her do anything.

She's critical when the poisoning of a servant is played for laughs (to be fair, it's funnier than it sounds), but there's no time to dwell on it because the Doctor is called upon to play the lyre at Nero's banquet. Vicki points out that he can't actually play.

Hannah: He played a couple of notes earlier that sounded good, so why not?
Me: I can do that with a piano. It doesn't mean I can play As Time Goes By.

Ian and Delos are sent to the gladiatorial arena, and Hannah is visibly appalled that a fight to the death could be organised so unfairly.

Hannah: Delos gets a helmet and a shield and Ian gets a net? The only thing protecting Ian is that he's a main character!

Inferno [Episode 4]

When Nero casually slaughters one of his guards, Hannah believes she's getting some insight into his psyche.

Hannah: (flatly) He's mental.
Me: He's gone through his entire life getting everything he wants. Nobody's ever refused him anything.
Hannah: What, he was born an emperor?
Me: Not quite, but he was 16 years old when he became one.

She's not normally a fan when the set designer uses a painted backdrop to make the hallways look bigger, but she finds the one in Nero's palace much more impressive than usual.

Hannah: That's one of the best wall paintings I've seen. I mean, so many earlier ones looked fake, but that one looks real. A painting of a hallway. Usually the perspective isn't quite right, but that one is awesome.

She picks up on a nice little detail when she notices the Doctor hiding his reading glasses behind his back whilst talking to Nero. The good news is that he prevents corrective lenses from being discovered twelve hundred years early; the bad news is that the sunlight passes through the lens and ignites the nearest curtain, giving Nero an idea on how to achieve his plans for a new Rome.

Hannah: That's interesting.
Me: What?
Hannah: He's the one that sets fire to Rome? Is this historically accurate? Did he go mad and burn it down on purpose?
Me: Historical accounts vary, but I think it's one of the more popular theories.

She's dismissive of Nero's potential new names for the city (which are along the lines of "Neropolis"), and feels she can do better.

Hannah: What about "Nerochester"?

When Ian and Barbara are reunited in the palace, Hannah can't help but feel like there's someone missing.

Hannah: For a second I thought Susan was going to pop out of that chest. I don't know why.
Me: She's not in it anymore!
Hannah: I know.

When Vicki points out to the Doctor that he was responsible for the fire, he seems to take some pleasure in the idea that his actions have had an effect on Earth's history and bursts into laughter.

Hannah: That's just weird. Creepy old murderer.

Ian and Barbara arrive back at the villa a few hours before the others.

Hannah: Oh, they're doing the fridge joke again. Wasn't funny the first time.

They're understandably peeved when the Doctor and Vicki return to the villa and assume Ian and Barbara have been lazing around during their absence.

Hannah: Well there's still time to go and tell them! How did she do her hair by herself? You'd think they would get PTSD from slave labour on a galley and then being washed up on the shore. Look, that perspective painting is all wrong.

With everyone finally reunited and the TARDIS taken off safely, our heroes can finally relax with a well-earned drink.

Hannah: They've stolen the jugs and goblets and things! They've nicked stuff out of that guy's house! Even after they've been living there for a month and stolen food out of his store.

As the story draws to a close, it feels like a good time to watch some DVD special features. Besides, I want to see if she spots the Monty Python reference.

Me: Would you like to watch the documentary? It's called What Has 'The Romans' Ever Done for Us?.
Hannah: Yeah, alright.

She's delighted to see Christopher Biggins as one of the interviewees ("I can't think of Biggins as a serious actor"), and after nine years she finally understands the reference to this story in the David Tennant episode "The Fires of Pompeii" where the Doctor mentions his involvement in the Great Fire of Rome, something she had previously assumed was just a throwaway joke. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Peter Ustinov is her least favourite Poirot.

The Score

Hannah: I like the fact that they get to the end and didn't actually meet at any point, that was fun. The Doctor and Barbara were both in the inner court of Nero and they never saw each other, but it's not too improbable. But generally I didn't like the comedy. It was weird and it interrupts the story.
Me: Do you not like it in the modern series?
Hannah: The whole feel of it seems completely different. Up to now everything's felt really "life or death" and then suddenly it has this comedy element. It was funny and I did grow to like it more, and Nero was fun... I think it just feels so out of place because it's the first one, but if they're going to carry on doing it, maybe a little bit but not to this degree, it'll probably work. So it's a weird direction they've taken, but despite the comedy it's actually a good, gripping story and well done.

7/10

Hannah: What would you give it?
Me: Probably a 9.
Hannah: Why? If I have to give reasons, you have to give reasons.
Me: That's not how this blog works.
Hannah: The comedy grew on me, but it still felt a little bit weird. Although now that you've made me think about it, I don't think the story would have worked without it. You could have had the chase scene and the jealous wife without the comedy, but the comedy made it better. If it had been a completely serious story, I don't think it would have been as good. So maybe it does deserve a little bit higher.

8/10

Hannah: An 8, because it wasn't that bad.
Me: What?
Hannah: It wasn't as bad as a 7.
Me: You're saying that the criteria for giving something eight out of ten is that it "isn't that bad"?
Hannah: It was funny, it worked, and it all came together.
Me: Talk about praising with faint damns.

The Rescue

The Powerful Enemy [Episode 1]

For the first time, an episode opens with a scene introducing us to the characters on the destination planet instead of immediately checking in on the TARDIS.

Hannah: Straight in on the action. I thought it would be more melancholy than this.

And indeed, as the TARDIS lands on the planet Dido, the Doctor seems rather out of sorts.

Hannah: He must be all messed up because Susan's gone.

The most poignant moment comes when the Doctor decides to explore the terrain and calls for Susan, moments before he remembers that she's not there anymore.

Hannah: Awwww! That's so sad!

When we see one of the natives, Koquillion, Hannah is a little taken aback by the spiky and intimidating (not to mention faintly ridiculous) costume.

Hannah: Oh. That's pleasant! They're very striking. Except that his mouth isn't moving when he talks.

The Doctor has been to Dido before and vouches for the friendliness of the locals; this claim is somewhat undermined when Koquillion pushes Barbara over a ledge.

Hannah: His wonderful friends have just thrown someone off a cliff.
Me: I think we can assume that's not one of his friends.

The Doctor is at a loss to explain what could have happened to change the Didonians, but Hannah knows the genre well enough to have a fair idea.

Hannah: Earthlings. Always Earthlings.

Barbara comes across a crashed ship where a young girl, Vicki, tells the story of how the entire crew were killed except for herself and the now crippled Bennett, both of whom are now being terrorised by Koquillion. The story ends with her sobbing into Barbara's arms.

Hannah: Another mopey child. It's almost as if Susan was back.
Me: You're very fickle, aren't you? You said you missed her yesterday.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Ian are a little preoccupied with balancing on a ledge above a pit full of sand beasts. Any sense of threat immediately evaporates for Hannah when she sees their faces in close-up.

Hannah: (laughing) Aw, how awful! It looks like they're made out of pipe cleaners!

And then...

Hannah: (laughing even harder) It's a person in a suit!

After the episode ends, Hannah notices something surprising on the DVD menu.

Hannah: Oh, there's only two episodes?
Me: Yes, why?
Hannah: It just seems like a really big story.

Desperate Measures [Episode 2]

Hannah is even less impressed with the creatures in the pit when she finally gets a good look at them.

Hannah: He's lying on the floor with his legs out like a mermaid. Or a shrimp.

She's also completely unconvinced by Bennett's handicap.

Hannah: He looks absolutely fine, I don't think there's anything wrong with him at all. He's probably faking it to claim benefits.

She's dangerously close to guessing the plot twist. Sure enough, when Bennett goes missing and the Doctor discovers a trapdoor in his room, the penny finally drops.

Hannah: You never see the two of them in the same room.

Yes, Bennett is Koquillion; he's been disguising himself in a Didonian ceremonial mask and robe to hide the fact that he's a genocidal maniac who has wiped out their entire race.

Hannah: Ah, so that's why you never saw his mouth move; it actually was a mask the whole time. I thought it was just a bad effect. And he can actually walk! When I said he looked fine I thought it was just bad acting. I mean, it was bad acting, but I thought it was bad acting from the actor, not the character. I knew those two hadn't been in the room at any one point, I always look out for these kinds of things.
Me: You always look out to see if there are two characters that aren't in the same room?
Hannah: If there's something fishy going on.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Vicki joins the TARDIS crew. Not that she has many other options.

Hannah: Knew it from the moment I saw her face. I'm not surprised in the slightest. I might actually even recognise her.

Arriving at its next destination, the TARDIS materialises on a ledge over a steep ravine and immediately falls off. This has the effect of throwing its passengers off their feet, something that Hannah finds puzzling.

Hannah: I thought the ship had its own gravity?
Me: No, you asked me about it when we watched Marco Polo and I didn't tell you. So now you know.

Incidentally, Hannah got her hopes up when she first saw Koquillion, and later admitted to being disappointed that she didn't get to see a planet "inhabited by giant alien insects."

Hannah: I like meeting new alien races, and then we didn't. Instead we just got reminded that humans are dicks.
Me: Why insects, particularly?
Hannah: He looked like an insect in that great big ceremonial hood thing. It just looked interesting and I wanted to meet a whole race of aliens who looked like that.

We may come back to this topic in a couple of weeks' time.

The Score

Hannah: It was a good story with a little twisty plot ending, but confusing because you have no idea what the original aliens looked like and then these random people in white robes just magically appeared to help the Doctor. And they've picked up another companion already; they're so quick and easy to find. Apparently they need a young girl following them around so they've decided to pick up the next one they meet.
Me: What do you think of Vicki?
Hannah: She's alright. Two episodes isn't enough to really judge someone's character. They could have gone for something else though, instead of another young woman.

5/10

Hannah: There's so much more they could have done, and so much they did do that they could have done better.

The Dalek Invasion of Earth

World's End [Episode 1]

I always try to hide as much information as possible about each story before Hannah watches it, a strategy which has had very a mixed success rate so far. However, this time (as with the previous Dalek story) it's essential that the cliffhanger at the end of the first episode remains a surprise, so I've been particularly careful here. (The fact that the Daleks would have been plastered all over the current issue of the Radio Times at the time of transmission and spoiled the surprise for everyone watching in 1964 is neither here nor there.)

Hannah: You've succeeded this time; I have no idea what this is about, other than that it's going to be a sci-fi one.
Me: How do you know?
Hannah: I'm just assuming they're going to follow the same alternating pattern as last season.
Me: But we've just had a sci-fi one.
Hannah: Did we? It was on Earth!
Me: Well it wasn't a historical, was it? It was a sci-fi story set in the present day. And before that we were in the French Revolution.
Hannah: Oh, so now it should be... yeah, okay.

To be honest I'm not sure why I even bothered playing with her expectations like that, because the TARDIS immediately lands in what looks like a very run-down version of contemporary London. Fortunately Hannah doesn't take issue with this; she has far more important things on her mind.

Hannah: Why are the windows of the TARDIS open? They don't open!

It's not long before a bridge collapses on the TARDIS, putting an end to any thought of a quick departure.

Hannah: It's only some wood.
Me: And iron.
Hannah: Eh. The modern Doctor would remote-control it and fly it out.

By now it's obvious that London is deserted and that it's the far future, way beyond Ian and Barbara's time. I decide to push my luck.

Me: I like the historical ones.
Hannah: Is this a futuristic historical?
Me: What does that mean?
Hannah: It means that it's based on Earth but it's... it's future history. (laughing)
Me: Or as we call it, the future.
Hannah: Yes. But to the Doctor, it's history.

Whilst exploring an abandoned warehouse, the Doctor and Ian discover a 2164 calendar and a dead man with a large metal helmet. Hannah now has that knowing smirk she gets when she thinks she's ahead of the game, but for once I'm genuinely not sure what she's getting at. Then I suddenly realise what she's thinking.

Me: Do you have a suspicion?
Hannah: (laughing) Well, it's a weird metal contraption on somebody's head. But I know that's not what they look like in their first appearance, so it's not them.
Me: You can say "Cybermen" if you want.
Hannah: Yeah, but I know it's not. I know the original ones have got cloth faces.
Me: Maybe they haven't yet. It could happen later in this story.

She giggles at the incredibly fake-looking flying saucer, quite understandably.

Me: Problem?
Hannah: I like it! It's cute! It's a sink plug with a ruff.
Me: It's also something that would be shamed by a bad 1950s film.
Hannah: It's not too bad. So this is another science one, then?
Me: We're in the 22nd century! It's clearly not a historical.
Hannah: Yeah, but it's Earth.
Me: Sci-fi ones can be set on Earth.
Hannah: Are they not doing the same pattern?
Me: More or less, but it's not as consistent as last season. It's a bit more flexible this time.
Hannah: So the answer's no. It doesn't alternate.
Me: No, but close enough.

Barbara and Susan take refuge with a group of freedom fighters, led by the wheelchair-bound Dortmun.

Hannah: He reminds me of Russell Crowe. I don't know why.

If you want some idea of how much this revelation took me by surprise, take a look at the picture that accompanies his entry on Doctor Who Wiki. Go on, I'll wait.

While I'm reeling from this, it's time for Hannah to get a shock of her own. As the Doctor and Ian are surrounded by Robomen, a familiar shape slowly emerges from the Thames.

Hannah: Thomas.
Me: Yes, dear?
Hannah: That appears to be a Dalek.
Me: Oh yes, so it is.
Hannah: A submarine Dalek. They'll get their electronics all wet.
Me: They've mastered inter-planetary invasion. I shouldn't think waterproofing is that much of a issue for them.
Hannah: Also, they clearly don't work like dodgems anymore. They must have developed some other kind of power system.
Me: Maybe that'll be explained in the next episode.
Hannah: I'm very surprised that they've brought the Daleks back so soon. They've barely done anything in time and space, and then...
Me: This is the tenth story.
Hannah: Yes! Just the tenth story.
Me: They were a huge hit, especially in terms of merchandising, so the production team obviously aren't going to waste any time bringing them back. And it's already been a year since they last appeared, so they're not appearing any more frequently than they did in the David Tennant era.

The Daleks [Episode 2]

Hannah: I like futuristic dystopia-type things. They're my favourite stories to read, ever.
Me: This is essentially The War of the Worlds but with Daleks instead of Martians.
Hannah: I wish it wasn't Daleks.
Me: It could be any alien race doing this. Why does it matter that it happens to be Daleks?
Hannah: I'm just not ready for them again! It's a big exciting event and it feels like there's more pressure for me to like it, instead of wondering what kind of alien race that we'll never see again is going to turn up this time.
Me: What makes you think you're never going to see the Voord or the Sensorites again?

The Doctor surmises that these Daleks come from an earlier point in their history than the ones we saw last time.

Hannah: So Skaro was a million years in the future? They've only just... that doesn't make any sense.
Me: The Daleks were killed off at the end of their first story, so obviously these ones need to come from an earlier point in their timeline.
Hannah: But on Skaro they'd only recently mutated into that particular form and were planning to spread out across the planet.
Me: I think from what we find out later about the Dalek timeline, a million years is way off. It's more likely a couple of hundred.
Hannah: So they were still trying to colonise their own planet, but some special units had already gone off and colonised other planets? Last time they were stuck in their city and couldn't do anything.
Me: Yeah, Dalek chronology is tricky at the best of times.
Hannah: But can't they time travel too? Or is that later?
Me: That's later. The whole timeline is really awkward, especially when Davros eventually turns up and contradicts everything from the original story.

The underlying Nazi subtext is much more explicit than last time; not only are the Daleks talking about mass extermination and giving each other fascist salutes with their sink plungers, but apparently they've already wiped out all the non-white races on Earth by spreading a plague. Hannah, bless her, wonders if there might be a more innocent explanation.

Hannah: Perhaps it's because most of those people just happened to be living in the developing countries with the least effective medical care. Maybe they're not developing countries anymore in the 22nd century, but in 1964 those are the countries that might get wiped out by the plague more quickly because their healthcare isn't as good.
Me: I'm sure that's what they were driving at.
Hannah: Not "the only people who can possibly be our Dalek slaves must be white people." Also I'm sure the races are more mixed 200 years in the future, and national borders probably aren't the same anyway.

She's a little more cynical about Dortmun's bomb, though.

Hannah: Probably doesn't work.
Me: You're very pessimistic.
Hannah: I'm a realist. He hasn't tested it, has he? And you can't win the war in the first half of the story, or why would they make more story? It's all hinging on that bomb working one time. It's not going to work, is it?

The Daleks, meanwhile, are testing the Doctor and Ian to see if they're intelligent enough to become Robomen.

Hannah: I thought they just took everybody and robotised them. Or are they looking for a Robo-Controller? Like a Cyber-Controller?
Me: My girlfriend is making Cyberman jokes. Life is good.
Hannah: Cybermen don't exist yet.

Day of Reckoning [Episode 3]

It's taken until this episode for Hannah to notice a quirk of early Dalek weaponry; rather than shooting out a visible beam when the gun is fired, a small flange emerges from the gunstick in a rapid in-and-out motion.

Hannah: What's that doing? It's supposed to shoot lasers, and it's shooting starfish puke.
Me: Don't you remember that from the first story?
Hannah: No! That thing that goes in and out of it...
Me: Yes, that happens, and then the victim is surrounded in light and the screen goes negative.
Hannah: I know the screen goes negative, but I thought they had little laser blasts.
Me: Not until the mid-seventies.
Hannah: I must have added the blasts in my mind. I don't remember that thing coming out the end of it, like a little pokey tongue.

She loves seeing Ian in his hiding place, mostly because it looks like he's in a giant cat travel box, but she finds it odd that the resistance movement has chosen the Civic Transport Museum as a rendezvous point. Not least because Dortmun's wheelchair doesn't seem up to making the journey.

Hannah: Why the Civic Transport Museum?
Me: Why not?
Hannah: Is this story sponsored by the London Buses? And why is there no disabled access on the Thames Embankment? That's very bad.
Me: Maybe it got destroyed, like Battersea Power Station.
Hannah: Just the ramp? Just the ramp up the steps, which the Daleks would need? Or maybe the freedom fighters blew it up to stop the Daleks getting around.
Me: That's probably it.

Their journey is intercut with striking images of the Daleks strutting around various deserted London landmarks.

Hannah: Weird that there's no sound in the outdoor scenes.
Me: You know what's even weirder? Daleks on Westminster Bridge.
Hannah: They filmed on the actual bridge, didn't they? That's actual outdoors. You can tell because there's actually some sense of distance.
Me: Yes. They had to film it early on a summer morning because it was the only way they could get an abandoned London landmark in daylight before it started getting busy.

Other landmarks include the Houses of Parliament, Whitehall, Trafalgar Square and the Albert Memorial.

Me: This is one of the stories with the most iconic imagery. First the Dalek rising from the Thames, and now all these shots of them in London.
Hannah: Is that outside Buckingham Palace? I'm trying to remember where the Albert Memorial is. Does the script give any details of where they actually go?
Me: I haven't read the script, but I know something else that might tell us...

The special features on the classic Doctor Who DVDs are amazingly comprehensive. As well as the various documentaries, commentaries on every story and archive footage from contemporary TV shows, each episode also comes with production subtitles that provide the viewer with as much behind-the-scenes information as anyone could possibly want.

The production subtitles give us a handy guide to the locations in this sequence, and we discover that this is indeed Kensington Gardens and Buckingham Palace. We also learn that buses can be seen running in the background, that the production team's first task at 6AM was to evict the vagrants from Trafalgar Square who had slept there overnight, and that the Dalek operators were forced to answer the call of nature by relieving themselves into a Trafalgar Square grating. Best of all, though, is the revelation that the Daleks frightened a group of drunken party-goers who were returning home via the square.

Hannah: It's distracting me from the story, but in a good way. This is exactly the kind of thing I like to read! The information about how they actually do things. I like the behind-the-scenes stuff so much. Oh yeah, look, there's people walking in the background. I suppose they could have been Robomen.

In fact the subtitles are far too interesting, and eventually I have to turn them off so that we can turn our attention back to the story.

Hannah: Yes, it's much more believably told than some other stories. I like it.
Me: How?
Hannah: The actors are better.
Me: I like the sense of scale. It's not just confined to a few locations, they're going all over the country. You get the sense that the Daleks have taken over the whole world, not just the home counties.
Hannah: Is it all the running around? There's running down corridors and alleyways and entire boulevards. Tennant can do one.
Me: I thought you liked Tennant.
Hannah: I do, but I always think of him as the most "running through corridors" one. He's always running away from things and crying about it.

The End of Tomorrow [Episode 4]

The highlight of this episode comes when Barbara drives a truck into a patrol of Daleks.

Hannah: It wasn't as dramatic as it should have been because they didn't want to destroy all the models.
Me: Fair enough, they only seem to have about four of them.
Hannah: They just took it apart slightly for the shot. All the little ring bits just fell off.

It turns out that alligators are living in the sewers between London and Bedfordshire, thriving down there after they escaped from the local zoos.

Hannah: Bollocks. Reptiles would not thrive down there, they need external heat because they're cold-blooded. They'd have to be able to bask in the sun, or they'd die. They need to have somewhere they can get out and stay warm, London's not warm enough for most species.

When one of the alligators threatens Susan, Hannah's reaction is probably not what the production team were aiming for.

Hannah: Awwww! It's a baby one! It's only a baby, it's been filmed to look big. Babies usually have stripes.

The Waking Ally [Episode 5]

Me: This is our 50th episode, by the way.
Hannah: (yawning) Is it. Congratulations.
Me: Well, it's a modest achievement, isn't it?
Hannah: No. I don't think of it as that.
Me: Nor do I really, but it's still pretty good progress. And by the end of season two, we'll be around 10% of the way through it.
Hannah: That's the kind of thing I'm more interested in.

Ian encounters the Slyther, and it's much less endearing than a baby alligator.

Hannah: It's really slow. That's the slowest monster I've ever seen.
Me: That's probably why they call it the Slyther.
Hannah: (laughing) It's so pathetic!
Me: It does seem a bit odd for the commanding Dalek to have a pet.
Hannah: Yes, they're not supposed to have sentiment. Also, if the Slyther can be killed by a rock, why hasn't anybody killed it yet?
Me: Everyone's stuck toiling in the mines.
Hannah: Exactly. They've got rocks. The Slyther was absolute rubbish, it didn't do anything. It was a bit slow and all it did was chase them until it got killed with a piece of stone, which anyone could have done at any point.

Susan is cooking a fish with David, one of the freedom fighters, but they end up getting a bit frisky.

Hannah: Fishy rough and tumble? Eww.
Me: Nah, just floundering around.

Hannah begins to say something that sounds suspiciously like "having a fin-dle" but is mercifully cut short with an "ooooh!" when Susan and David begin kissing.

Meanwhile, the Daleks' plan is revealed...

Hannah: They want to hollow out the planet's core? And use it as a big spaceship or something?
Me: Yep, for some reason they want to turn Earth into a spaceship and fly it around. Very slowly, I imagine.
Hannah: Why Earth? There are other planets...
Me: Apparently it's the only one with a magnetic core.
Hannah: Well that's bollocks, considering there are other planets with magnetic cores in this solar system.

They've already dug down to the core and are planning to hollow it out by dropping a penetration explosive down the mine shaft. Guess where Ian happens to be hiding?

Hannah: Who has the bad luck of accidentally hiding inside a bomb?

Flashpoint [Episode 6]

With nothing to lose, Ian does his best to sabotage the explosive.

Hannah: He doesn't know what any of the wires do, he's just pulling random bits out and short-circuiting them. He can't read Dalek.
Me: Didn't you see the Daleks' diagram? They write everything in English anyway!

The Daleks are inexplicably prancing round in circles as they discuss their plans.

Hannah: Ah, they're just dancing around! You could re-dub it with some kind of dance music.

This idea sounds too promising to resist. I turn down the volume, then search for a recording of "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" and play it over the scene. It syncs up amazingly well and works better than I could have ever hoped, with the dance movements changing perfectly in time with the music.

Hannah: Beautiful.

The TARDIS crew are finally reunited and stop the Daleks, but the bomb has already been activated and is wedged a short distance down the mine shaft. Fortunately everyone is able to clear the area before detonation.

Hannah: If that bomb is big enough to liquidise the earth's core, and it's gone off so close to the surface... they should all just die. How can they have gotten away far enough in ten minutes? They should all be dead. Everyone who was down there should just be dead. It makes no sense.

The mass landscape destruction shown in the stock footage doesn't help, either.

Hannah: (laughing) It's going to send up a mushroom cloud! They should be dead! Are they not going to have a volcanic winter or something?

Before our heroes re-board the TARDIS, there's an exchange between the Doctor and Susan. He takes her shoe away to repair and appears to have a small epiphany before he goes back to the ship, telling her that she needs taking in hand.

Hannah: Weird.

She doesn't realise where this is leading yet.

Hannah: He doesn't want her to grow up.

The Doctor, knowing Susan would never leave him but also realising that she wants to stay with David, locks his granddaughter out of the TARDIS as soon as Ian and Barbara are aboard and delivers a heartfelt goodbye speech. It's an incredibly moving scene, and Hannah doesn't say another word until the credits start rolling.

Hannah: Wow. Lots of important things happening. First time a companion leaves... and it's his own granddaughter. Didn't really give her a choice.
Me: No. And he took her shoe with him.
Hannah: Yeah! And he didn't let her say goodbye to Barbara and Ian, or let them say goodbye to her.
Me: Good though, wasn't it?
Hannah: Didn't let her unpack her stuff, taking her clothes and belongings... and he says one day he'll come back, in the hope that he might eventually learn how to fly the TARDIS.
Me: I think it would have spoiled the scene a bit if he'd let her come in and raid the wardrobe.
Hannah: I know. It was a good speech. It reminds me of the more modern stuff where it's all emotional and serious. For some reason it felt more serious than watching people die.
Me: Did you think she'd be the first to go?
Hannah: No. Not when it's blood. I didn't really think she'd leave, I thought they'd take David with them for a bit. I knew she'd obviously go at some point, but I thought they'd move on and get some other travelling companions first, and finally find a way to get Ian and Barbara home. It's not going to be the same.
Me: Are you going to miss her?
Hannah: Yeah. I hate her and now I like her. She's annoying and weak and silly, but at the same time they need her. She's part of the dynamic.

The Score

Hannah: An amazing story, mostly well performed and done. There's lots of bits and pieces you'd expect in a post-apocalyptic kind of society, like the two old women in the hut, the slave groups, and the man who has a contact that can get you in and out of places for a fee. I liked the way it's been filmed; it's very beautiful and there's lots of proper outdoors, running up and down through London.
Me: There's definitely a sense of scope here that we don't see very often.
Hannah: There's a few things that annoy me that stop it being a 10, like the fights that are supposedly being choreographed, but the ending was very nice. It was a bit of a surprise. I'm sad; it's so touching because it feels like he's never actually going to see her again, because he doesn't know how to fly the ship. He doesn't know if he can ever come back.

9/10