The Underwater Menace

Episode 1

We begin with the Doctor, Ben and Polly trying to explain the TARDIS to Jamie.

Hannah: Oh, I forgot that they kidnapped him.

The TARDIS arrives on a beach and the Doctor briefly teases his companions before following them outside ("He's a naughty Doctor"), but after a brief assessment of the area it looks like he's ready to settle down for another nap.

Hannah: He does that a lot. He likes to lie down and have a sleep.
Me: That's what people do at the seaside.
Hannah: A volcano seaside. Yes, I'd be very relaxed too.

It's been a while since Doctor Who scratched Hannah's archaeology itch, so she finds the Doctor's next discovery almost as exciting as he does.

Hannah: Oooh, shards of pottery! I like it.
Me: Why?
Hannah: Because it's shards of pottery. But I like it when they're called "sherds", which apparently seems to be the English way of doing it. He says it's Mediterranean pottery, but you said there were no more basic historicals so this could be an historical with an alien.
Me: Just because they're in the Mediterranean, it doesn't mean that they're in the past.

When Polly finds a bracelet from the 1968 Mexico Olympiad it seems to settle the issue, but this begins to seem slightly trivial when our heroes are ambushed by robed figures, taken some distance beneath the sea, treated to a plankton dinner, then seized by guards and strapped to some slabs over a pool of sharks to satisfy the prophecy of the fish goddess Amdo. Everyone got that?

Hannah: Ah, sacrifices as usual.

But to Hannah, the most incongruous thing here is the headgear. (And for an episode where the Doctor clearly signs his name as "Dr W", that's saying something.)

Hannah: I like the pipe cleaners.
Me: Speaking of hats, you may be pleased to hear that this is the last story in which the Doctor wears his stovepipe hat.
Hannah: Aww.
Me: Are you disappointed?
Hannah: Eh. I haven't seen it enough to be annoyed about it, so why not let him keep it?
Me: Do you recognise the high priest at all?
Hannah: Is he the fat Caesar from The Romans?
Me: Nero? No, he's Cyril, the Knave of Hearts from The Celestial Toymaker.
Hannah: Oh. Close enough. They're both large actors.

When Hannah is introduced to the Fish People - silent aquatic creatures with scales, fins, and gills - I'm expecting her to be a little disturbed by the large glassy eyes and open mouths. Fortunately (or not), she's too distracted by their unconvincing costumes to notice.

Me: You're not impressed, are you?
Hannah: Hmmm.

Then we find out that the TARDIS crew are in the lost civilisation of Atlantis.

Hannah: Oh, no.
Me: What?
Hannah: I didn't even think about that. I'm annoyed with myself. Also, they're doing a place that might not necessarily actually exist but they're going to pretend it does, like with Troy in The Myth Makers.
Me: Archaeologists have discovered Troy, sort of, but I don't believe Atlantis has ever existed.
Hannah: There's so much reference to it; there probably was a place called that, but they just don't know where it was. Obviously it didn't exist as the legends say, but it probably was a place.
Me: Are you sure you're not thinking of Atlanta?
Hannah: There was probably a place called Atlantis somewhere on a coast that got destroyed by rising sea levels, and that's the basis of the myth.
Me: In the 19th century, when William Gladstone was Prime Minister, he was so taken with the idea that he requested funds from the British Treasury to finance an expedition to search the seabed of the Atlantic Ocean.
Hannah: Interesting that it was one of his priorities of things to do.
Me: It never happened, anyway; the Treasury suggested that it might not be the wisest use of the British taxpayers' money.

The man in charge of labour, Damon, sends Ben and Jamie to work in the mines, and the episode ends with a group of scientists strapping Polly to an operating table so that they can turn her into a fish. Thanks to a censor clip (which ironically survives because it was edited out of the Australian broadcast for being too scary), we get to see actual footage of her pleading with them as she gets forced onto the operating table and strapped down.

Hannah: That's actually terrifying.

Then the recon cuts to an extreme close-up of a Fish Person drifting in front of the camera.

Hannah: That's even more terrifying.

Episode 2

After twelve reconstructions in a row, Hannah finally gets to see an actual Troughton episode. But it's not all good news; Polly is still at the mercy of Damon, in all his hirsute glory.

Hannah: His eyebrows are even bigger than they were last time. Why do they want to operate on anyone against their will? Why do they need one more person for the workforce? Why can't she do something else?

The plankton dinner earlier has somehow led the Doctor to deduce that the Atlanteans are harbouring the great and missing-presumed-dead scientist, Professor Zaroff ("Why is the famous scientist also known for his culinary skills?"). He's promised to raise Atlantis from the sea and shows the Doctor his proof-of-concept ("It looks like a science museum exhibit for children"), but he happily acknowledges that there's one tiny flaw: it's going to destroy the planet.

Hannah: Oh, he's mental now.

When the Doctor innocently asks the professor why he wants to blow up the world, Hannah can't help thinking that his motivation might be a little thin.

Hannah: He wants to do it just because he can?
Me: The original draft of the script explained that he'd gone mad and turned against the world after his wife and children were killed in a car crash. But as it stands, yes, he's just doing it because he can.
Hannah: Stupid. Also, if these people are all Atlanteans, why do they all look like surface people?
Me: Why shouldn't they? They're all descended from people who lived on the surface.
Hannah: No, I mean there's a guy there in a hardhat and a jacket, he's a proper gaffer. Is he Atlantean?

We're told that the Atlanteans pick up shipwrecked mariners so that Damon can convert them to Fish People.

Hannah: So he's power-mad and he's enslaving anyone who randomly turns up.
Me: Pretty much.
Hannah: And they've recovered enough shipwrecked people to create an efficient mining and farming workforce?

The Doctor manages to pull off an amusing trick to distract Damon and make his escape.

Hannah: Go and trim your eyebrows.
Me: He's a fun Doctor.
Hannah: Yes, he is. Sneaky.
Me: His performances in the last two stories were still fairly experimental, but Troughton is pretty much playing his version of the Doctor here.

Back on the chain gang, Hannah is pleased to see that Ben and Jamie have made some friends. The group's escape plan: sneak off and explore a nearby cave system.

Hannah: That's a really, really bad plan. It's probably a dead end, and if they can't get out the other end they'll be brought back and maybe killed.
Me: They're a bit stuck anyway, though, aren't they?
Hannah: Yeah, but at least they could stay alive until the Doctor... does something. Eurgh, I don't like this dramatic organ music, it's creepy and horrible. It's an electric organ as well, it's weird.

One member of the workforce is covered in a large hood; Hannah is convinced that this man is the Doctor in disguise, at least until the next scene where we see him being chased by guards. He evades his pursuers by hiding in a handy wardrobe.

Hannah: Do you think he'll go to Narnia?
Me: It's no less plausible than Atlantis, is it?
Hannah: That rubber suit, though; it's horrible, they're all walking around wearing wetsuits! That is not... good. Oh, excellent, he's found one. What the fuck is that? A fisherman's outfit in black? And why was there a wardrobe in a corridor?

The Doctor decides to pass the time by producing his recorder from his pocket ("Where did that come from?!"). Meanwhile, Ben and Jamie are exploring the tunnels.

Hannah: I'm getting flashbacks to The Daleks. This is looking relatively realistic... for once. Just another massive coincidence that a tunnel exists between a random part of the mine and the inner temple.

It's not long before Hannah is captivated by the headgear again.

Hannah: Are their headdresses supposed to look like lionfish?
Me: Why lionfish?
Hannah: The guy had a lionfish in his tank, and it reminded me that they're a bit frondy.
Me: To be honest, I'm not convinced anyone has put that much thought into it.
Hannah: Or like anemones.

After hearing the Doctor's argument against Professor Zaroff, the ruler of Atlantis carefully considers his case before rejecting it out of hand and turning him over to Zaroff to be executed.

Hannah: Aw, bad choice.

Let's take a moment to thank Amdo for small mercies.

Me: Six years ago, we couldn't have watched that episode.
Hannah: (sarcastically) What a shame.
Me: I thought you'd appreciate a real episode after all those reconstructions.
Hannah: No, I did enjoy it.
Me: Really?
Hannah: I like this.
Me: Do you?
Hannah: Yes, it's got plotholes coming out the arse but I like it, it's entertaining. It's a mad scientist in Atlantis! The idea is fun, even if the execution is poor; it's not making up for a lot, but it does make it bearable. And also the fact that it's the first moving Troughton I'm ever seeing, and that I'm enjoying watching him, is artificially inflating its worth in my mind. Why? Do you intensely despise it, and you're surprised that I have any like for it at all?
Me: I don't hate it but it's not exactly Stingray, is it?
Hannah: No, but it's interesting, it's fun.
Me: It's fine in concept, even if there are plotholes that could swallow the International Space Station, but it's fair to say that this is not a popular story. I think its reputation has probably improved a bit since this episode was found in 2011 but before that we could only see episode 3, which is probably the worst one...
Hannah: Oh, joy.
Me: ...so that was what everyone based their judgement on.
Hannah: That's my problem; I enjoy the show so much that I never give anything less than 5 out of 10 unless it makes me livid.
Me: And the science in this doesn't?
Hannah: We'll see. I'll watch that awful one, and then we'll see.

Episode 3

Anything can happen in the next half-hour. (Incidentally, did you know Stingray was the first British television series to be filmed entirely in colour?)

Hannah: It looks like he's wearing a lychee on his head; their skin is all dimpled like that. Or a 1930s bathing cap.

Hannah's distaste for Atlantean fashion crops up fairly regularly throughout this story; sometimes I like to play devil's advocate, if only to see her reaction.

Hannah: Look at these stupid idiots in their wetsuits.
Me: They're good, aren't they?
Hannah: They're awful! Wetsuits are awful. They paid people a lot of money to stand around and be filmed in a wetsuit.

Despite having all the equipment necessary to penetrate the Earth's crust and drain away the ocean, Professor Zaroff has yet to invent the refrigerator, so the fresh seafood farmed for Atlantis by the Fish People needs to be consumed immediately.

Hannah: So everyone has to go out and buy their food as soon as they want it? I can understand fresh fish would be a problem if it gets a bit warm, but why would seaweed go off within a few hours? How did the Atlanteans get food before Fish People existed? Did Fish People naturally happen?
Me: Some of them.
Hannah: Where does it say that?
Me: Well, it's possible, anyway. Some of them look different, at least.

The Doctor has gone undercover again.

Hannah: Is that the Doctor? Yeah. I like him with a tambourine. He looks like a member of the Beatles.
Me: Remind me which member of the Beatles was the tambourinist?
Hannah: I don't know.
Me: Anyway, he always looks like a member of the Beatles. He's got a Beatles haircut.
Hannah: He's so badly disguised, though; he's wearing a cloak over his normal clothes, and he's surrounded by wetsuits and blind guards and a busy marketplace full of people not actually doing anything. What is that in the background? A really, really shit statue? Look at it, it's awful! What's it for? It's just wonkily lying down in the background.
Me: It's possible that Atlantis is a bit short on stonemasons.
Hannah: Maybe it's a parade float or something. It basically looks like a papier-mâché model.
Me: Prop-wise, it probably is.
Hannah: It's horrible!
Me: What do you think of the Fish People?
Hannah: I think they're very pretty. I like their speaking noises.
Me: I thought you'd be a lot more disturbed by them. They freak the hell out of me.
Hannah: A little bit. I'm pretending they're just horrible masks rather than their actual faces. I don't like their faces, but they're not as terrifying as they could be.

Which is just as well, because now we have to watch the Fish People indulging in a lengthy synchronised swimming display while demanding their own union (I'm not making this up).

Hannah: This is very pretty.
Me: I'm glad you like it.
Hannah: Why? Is it the only good bit of the whole thing?
Me: I... wouldn't say that, no.
Hannah: Actually, no, I just saw someone randomly lying on a thing and wriggling their legs up and down. That wasn't great. Are they actually underwater? No, they're on wires, I can see them now. There are wires everywhere. And you can see the front of the tank is dirty; there are fingerprints all over the glass.

A while later...

Hannah: Okay, this is drawn-out. There's nothing happening.
Me: That's why I'm glad you're enjoying it so much.
Hannah: I take it back! I liked it to start with, it was very pretty and well-done, and then it zoomed in and I immediately changed my mind.

Later still...

Hannah: Are they actual acrobats or something? They're pointing their toes and things. Also, if you're a human and you get turned into a--

When the interminable scene finally ends after about a minute and a half of fish ballet, the novelty of seeing anything else at all is so jarring that it temporarily stuns Hannah into silence.

Me: You weren't expecting that to end, were you?
Hannah: If you're a human and you're given the operation to turn you into a Fish Person, and then you're able to breathe underwater, you'd have to learn how to speak their language and move and do all the things underwater, which is just stupid. Surely you'd just end up still being human, but with gills.

After tricking Polly with a laughably unconvincing heart attack ("It's predictable and awful"), Zaroff kills the Atlantean ruler and his guards before hysterically screaming "Nothing in the world can stop me now!"

Hannah: He is mental.
Me: That's one of the most ridiculed lines in the entire show, ever.
Hannah: It's just so hammy.

It's not looking good for Atlantis. Fortunately, Hannah has an elegant solution.

Hannah: All the Doctor has to do is show the explodey-pot trick to one of his guards; the guard will just say "alright then" and shoot the mad professor and then he's done. All they have to do is get one of his guns and shoot him. The end.
Me: Well, the next episode doesn't exist. But now that you've seen two episodes of Troughton moving--
Hannah: It's pretty much the same as him not moving. He does the same things, but he's got facial expressions now.
Me: But now you can see all the physical quirks that he brings to it as well.
Hannah: Yes, he's a different character; he doesn't stand around with a walking stick being angry at people. He dashes around and gets stuff done.
Me: By the way, this is also the first time he's had three companions since Ian and Barbara left.
Hannah: Oh yeah, I was going to mention that; I know you always like it when there are multiple companions.
Me: What do you think of Jamie, then? Is he a good addition?
Hannah: I don't feel like he's brought much to the table yet.
Me: That's mostly because the decision to make him a regular character was a last-minute thing at the end of the last story, so the following couple of stories had already been written without him.
Hannah: So basically they've just got him doing the same thing as one of the others?
Me: Yes, it looks like Ben's role in this story has been shared out between the two of them, and he gets sidelined for much of the next story. Then he starts getting a bit more spotlight after that.

She seems to be studying the credits with even more interest than usual.

Hannah: Are any of these people famous?
Me: Well, there's Patrick Troughton from The Omen...
Hannah: Shush, you.
Me: ...Frazer Hines was in Emmerdale...
Hannah: Stop it.

Episode 4

Me: The playwright Joe Orton wrote in his diaries about watching this episode. Well, he wrote about watching Frazer Hines in a wetsuit, anyway.
Hannah: Why? Has Jamie never worn trousers before?
Me: I've looked up this entry in the university library's copy of The Orton Diaries, and he implies that he enjoyed watching Jamie in his rubber suit.
Hannah: I suppose that's what people do these days as well; everyone talks about how much they fancy various actors and actresses on television.
Me: Why are you looking at me like that?
Hannah: No reason. They're very tight-fitting outfits.

(I was wondering if she was trying to make a sly dig at me, but if she's noticed my preoccupation with Aisling Bea she doesn't say so.)

Hannah: So how did the Irishman end up shipwrecked there, if he can't swim particularly well?
Me: Well, people are normally on a boat when they get shipwrecked...
Hannah: Most people who go on boats can probably swim. Then again, it could have been a tourist vessel.
Me: I can swim, but I don't think I could survive in the ocean; I think we'd both be in trouble if we'd been shipwrecked on the Queen Mary 2 last summer.
Hannah: I wonder if the soldiers on the Mary Rose knew how to swim.

The Doctor and Ben head off to Zaroff's laboratory. The Doctor has a cunning plan: they're going to flood the lower levels of Atlantis.

Hannah: The Doctor has made a decision to wipe out half their city, because he thinks that's the only way to avoid wiping out their whole city.
Me: That's exactly what's happened.
Hannah: I don't think... I feel like there might have been another way to stop it. Like storm in and switch off the machines.

Thanks to another Australian censor clip we get to see Zaroff drowning in his laboratory, unable to reach the control panel.

Hannah: If he was intelligent he would have installed voice-control or something.

Elsewhere, Polly and Jamie are trying to stay one step ahead of the rising water level, but Polly's stamina is failing her.

Hannah: Do they ever have a male companion who gives up and can't do it, and has a little whinge?
Me: Er... wait and see.
Hannah: Hmm.

Having saved the world, the Doctor and his companions leave the submerged wreckage of Atlantis to its own devices.

Hannah: They don't go back and check that anybody else got out okay; he's just annihilated a civilisation and decides to leave. Has Jamie lost his kilt?

But before we can see whether or not Jamie is a true Scot (if you catch my drift), the Doctor has some bad news: the TARDIS is out of control.

Hannah: You're saying it like it's something new.

The Score

Hannah: What a pile of shite. It was very pretty shite, I'll give it that, but there are so many unanswered questions; so many things that are really important and vital to the plot, that just have no explanation. How did the Doctor know that this particular Zaroff was here? Why did they accept him into their culture? If people keep getting shipwrecked there all the time, why does this one person get raised to prophet status and they believe he's the one who's going to raise Atlantis, just because he says he will? People will say anything to avoid getting sacrificed, but no, they believed him and let him do his experiments and nobody else learned enough science to question how he's going to achieve this. Could he really have generated enough steam to blow the world apart, anyway? And if he can do all that, why can't he refrigerate food? Still, the costumes were fun.
Me: Anything else?
Hannah: Atlantis. I was hoping they'd go there one day, I thought it would be quite interesting...
Me: Were you?
Hannah: Yes, I like any science-fiction show that addresses it, because it's interesting for them to try and explain what the myth really is. Like in Stargate, where Atlantis was an entire city that was actually a giant spaceship...
Me: I'm just surprised it would have even occurred to you.
Hannah: Well, Stargate: Atlantis is my favourite sci-fi show ever, and there have been other things that have tried to explain Atlantis before. So that's the good thing about it, and it's got some interesting characters, but a lot of them are over-the-top and far too shallow. There's not a lot of depth.
Me: Ironically.
Hannah: There's just too much that's wrong about this; the story is fun, but the execution is terrible. It feels random... it's like someone had a dream and then wrote it down and decided not to worry about the details, except for certain parts that are way overly-detailed. Rubbish. I'm so annoyed, because parts of it were pretty and I like the idea of them stumbling across an underwater city that nobody knows about. It's a lost culture, so it feels alien but they're not actually aliens, they're people, and yet it also feels historic but it's set in modern times. Those bits are really fun and interesting, and then everything else is a load of nonsense.

4/10

Me: Sometimes I wonder if we haven't been spoiled by Blue Planet.
Hannah: I want to go higher for all the other bits I liked, but there's so much wrong with it. But at least it makes more sense than The Edge of Destruction.