The Web Planet

The Web Planet [Episode 1]

Shortly before we began this story, we watched an episode of the new BBC adaptation of Howards End. Hannah commented afterwards that she found the pacing too fast, so now I'm worried that I've conditioned her to the pacing of 1960s television and spoiled her ability to watch anything else for a while. Still, if it's glacial pacing she wants, she's in for a treat this week.

She seems pleased with the establishing shot of the night sky on the planet Vortis, at least.

Hannah: Oooh! Moon!

Despite being dragged off course, the TARDIS travellers have found time to divest themselves of the clothes they acquired in ancient Rome.

Hannah: They've changed their clothes.
Me: Good. You don't want them wandering around an alien planet wearing togas.
Hannah: Still got a goblet, though. I hope Barbara and Ian tell their Rome story, they haven't had the chance yet and I want to see the Doctor and Vicki's reactions. And I don't see how the TARDIS can get caught or stuck when it can materialise out of anything, into anything.

We get off to a rocky start when the odd behaviour of the TARDIS gives her vibes of The Edge of Destruction and the annoyance she felt with that story. Luckily this passes and she admits to finding the story very atmospheric, intriguing and mysterious; unfortunately it's at this point that she gets her first look at a Zarbi in all its "glory" and sees an alien that just happens to look exactly like a giant ant. Or, more precisely, a giant ant on a large pair of human legs.

Hannah: Oh. Oh, wow. At first I thought they were little models, but no, they've got people with legs.
Me: Two stories ago in The Rescue you were disappointed that the planet Dido wasn't awash with giant alien insects.
Hannah: I'm happy, then. I'm just heavily distracted by the fact that Ian's wearing a coat, as if he already knows that he's going to go outside and that it's going to be cold.

Sure enough we later find Ian and the Doctor out for a walk on the planet's surface, having taken the precaution of wearing some Atmospheric Density Jackets to protect themselves against the thin atmosphere.

Hannah: I don't see how those jackets are going to do anything for them at all. Especially if Ian doesn't do his up.

Hannah is enjoying hearing about Vicki's life and wants to find out more, but the scene is cut short when Vicki and Barbara are attacked by some kind of psychic presence.

Hannah: I want her mind to get taken over by a giant insect and then try to walk without having enough legs. It's really funny when characters get possessed by something that's not bipedal.

She loves the larvae gun creature, which she subsequently refers to as either "that little mop thing" or "the mop-louse" throughout the rest of the story, but amazingly the giant insects aren't even the most visually striking part of the episode.

Me: Do you like the lens filter?
Hannah: It's making it very difficult to see things properly, but yes. Is it intentional?
Me: Yes, they've smeared the camera lens with Vaseline.
Hannah: Really?
Me: Yep.
Hannah: Really?! What, to make it all weird and ethereal?
Me: The key thing about this story is that they've pulled out all the stops to create a truly alien planet. So they made everything look blurry and filled it with giant alien insects.
Hannah: But they're Earth insects. Apart from that thing that looked like a mop.
Me: You know how you're always complaining about aliens looking too human? This is the only story in the whole of Doctor Who where none of the supporting cast look like human beings. They're all properly alien.
Hannah: Good. I look forward to seeing them.
Me: What did you mean, "was it intentional?"
Hannah: I thought you were going to tell me that the only surviving copy has gone fuzzy or something.
Me: But only on the outdoor scenes?
Hannah: I thought perhaps it showed up more against the black background.
Me: Actually, that's a good point; maybe that's the reason they're wearing so many white clothes, to show off the blurry effect. That could be why the Doctor's wearing a white hat when he normally wears a black one, and why they're wearing white jackets over their normal clothes.

Our first cliffhanger sees the Doctor returning to the TARDIS only to find it missing.

Hannah: Aw, he looks really upset! Maybe he should have left the brakes on or something.

The Zarbi [Episode 2]

Hannah: There's a lot of Vaseline this week.

We're introduced to the Menoptra (or "Menoptera" if you insist on using the alternative spelling), who look suspiciously like actors in giant butterfly costumes. Hannah reacts with a string of noises that I can't possibly begin to transcribe, followed by...

Hannah: They're creepy. They look like giant-eyed fluffy mimes. Mimes that speak.
Me: We all look like mimes that speak.
Hannah: They're black and white and stripey, like a stereotypical French mime. And waving their arms around like they're trying to do some sort of dance.

After challenging the effectiveness of the Atmospheric Density Jackets in the previous episode, she now questions the wisdom of removing them.

Hannah: If they're pressure suits, why are they taking them off? And Barbara's gone out without one anyway.

When Vicki gets a look at the Zarbi on the monitor, it confirms Hannah's belief that she "continues to be better than Susan."

Hannah: Susan would have screamed. It wouldn't have helped.

After getting another look at the Menoptra, a penny suddenly drops.

Hannah: I recognise that suit now! It was in the museum at the Doctor Who Experience. Is it a moth or a bee?
Me: Neither, it's a Menoptra.
Hannah: You said they weren't humanoid, but they've got arms.
Me: They still don't look like humans, do they? It's a giant bloody butterfly!
Hannah: Oh, and they speak English. I'm not surprised. I like their intonation and stilted voices though.

To Hannah, the image of the Doctor and Ian following the trail of the TARDIS looks very much like two drunks trying to stumble home from the pub ("Now he's thrown his coat on the floor! Littering on an alien planet"). The Zarbi are bringing it to a cave made from "very pretty screens" but we don't get to see it on the back of a giant ant, much to Hannah's chagrin.

Hannah: Looks like it's going through a car wash. Little fronds going to clean its windows.

The Zarbi can only communicate by rubbing their legs together to create a shrill chirping noise. Given that Hannah has been relentlessly criticising English-speaking aliens ever since we started watching the series, I'm hoping she'll be thrilled.

Me: Look, they don't speak English.
Hannah: Which doesn't make sense. Why does everybody else speak English and they don't? Either everyone should speak in their own native language, or everyone should speak English. You can't have half and half. The only places that should be speaking proper English are places on Earth from the late medieval period onward. Nowhere else should be speaking English on a completely alien planet!
Me: What about when they visit other planets in the future--
Hannah: That have been colonised by humans who speak English? Yes, that's acceptable!
Me: That's very gracious of you.
Hannah: But an alien planet that's never had any significant contact with humans should not be speaking English!
Me: Are you going to do this with every story?
Hannah: Yes! If the TARDIS is translating, it should be translating this.

She's infuriated even further when one of the Zarbi gains access to the TARDIS...

Hannah: No! Get out of the TARDIS! Nobody on the outside should be able to get in.

...but this is soon forgotten when the Zarbi immediately back out again and starts spinning wildly.

Hannah: (laughing) It's bigger on the inside! He's freaking out!

After the cliffhanger ("A thing! Oh, it's a little communicator lampshade"), she wonders what the Zarbi will do with the Menoptra they captured.

Hannah: Maybe they'll pull his wings off. That would be funny.
Me: You worry me.

Escape to Danger [Episode 3]

Hannah is visibly impressed when Vicki agrees to stay with the "angry ants" as collateral.

Hannah: She's so much more calm and level-headed than Susan.

Then we come to arguably the most infamous part of the story, as one of the Zarbi runs straight into the camera.

Hannah: (laughing) Did he just walk into the camera? That means they can hardly see out of those things at all!
Me: It's one of the all-time classic Doctor Who moments.
Hannah: Is it like the stormtrooper walking into the door in Star Wars?
Me: Exactly like that.
Hannah: It was at the very beginning of a shot. Why didn't they want to re-do that bit? It wouldn't have taken five seconds to go back and do it again. It doesn't even follow on anywhere.

She also points out that neither Vicki nor Barbara have complained about the fact that they can't breathe without the Atmospheric Density Jackets, an observation that somehow evolves into a discussion about the gravitational strength of Vortis.

Hannah: It must have a lower gravity, otherwise the Zarbi's exoskeletons would crush them. Even if they were as big as mice they'd be crushed under their own weight.

When Ian makes his escape, the Doctor assures Vicki that he's good at this sort of thing (or, in Hannah's words, "I constantly put him in bad situations and he hasn't died yet"), but this confidence appears to be misplaced when chaos ensues.

Hannah: There's just stuff everywhere! Everyone is running everywhere! There's ants going this way, a moth going that way, this thing got shot...

For the second time in this story, the Doctor makes a passing reference to his first aid kit. This is enough to convince Hannah that there's an ulterior motive at work here.

Hannah: Why is the first aid kit so important this time around? Maybe they received a complaint that no one is ever shown to actually get injured, so they've decided to write it into every single episode of this story. Or were they being sponsored?
Me: So you think parents were writing in and complaining that the show wasn't violent enough? I don't think you have much of a handle on the parent reactions to this programme.
Hannah: No, just complaining that it wasn't showing sound first aid principles.

As we reach the half-way point in this ambitious story, Hannah takes a moment to reflect on how successfully it meets those ambitions.

Hannah: I think it would be really good if it wasn't rubbish. It's very ambitious and I can see that they've tried really, really hard at making it nice and alien and all that, but it's poorly executed in some places and let down by all the shots of people in giant ant costumes shuffling across the ground and unable to see anything.

Crater of Needles [Episode 4]

Hannah: Is that the Crater of Needles? A flat area in a canyon with some bits sticking out?

In the crater, some imprisoned Menoptra are being put to work. Well, mostly.

Hannah: What's the one in the background doing? Having a dance?
Me: It wouldn't surprise me.

Beneath the planet's surface Ian discovers the Optera, subterranean descendants of the Menoptra.

Hannah: I didn't think there were any other species?
Me: They're not another species, strictly speaking.
Hannah: They're like froghoppers! The tiny little things that live in cuckoo spit. And they go ping! I like the way he jumps for emphasis. It's interesting that there's another species that's got nothing to do with the war. Oh, their little gestures!

Speaking of gestures...

Hannah: The Menoptra walk so silly. Look, she's prancing like a little horse, picking her feet up really high and running around saying "I will lead you!"

The ensuing battle scene between Menoptra and Zarbi involves everyone running around like insects at a picnic, and seems to be stirring up some harrowing memories for Hannah ("Flying insects," she groans).

Hannah: I don't see what they're achieving. There's some very nice cinematography of them flying around, but all of the fights seem really slow and silly because nobody can move in their costumes. No real sense of danger. Wow, the weapons really don't work.

There's no point in avoiding it any longer; it's time to talk about Roslyn De Winter.

Me: Do you notice anything interesting about the credits in this story?
Hannah: "Insect movement"? What, did they have some remote control--
Me: No, they actually got a choreographer for the Menoptra movements.
Hannah: What about all the rest? What about the people wearing ant costumes who look ridiculous and unconvincing?
Me: They just walk around.
Hannah: Rubbishly.
Me: But the movements of the Menoptra were actually choreographed. And their stilted voices, as well.
Hannah: I like it. I like the Menoptra mannerisms, they're curious and endearing and it makes them a more "alien" alien. Like you said, the idea is to make them as alien as possible and it works, they're a good alien. Unfortunately the Zarbi are absolute crap.

Invasion [Episode 5]

Hannah is finally starting to appreciate one of the Zarbi and even finds it cute, once the Doctor and Vicki manage to gain control of it and start treating it like a pet. Then she falls into the beginner's trap of trying to make some kind of sense of things.

Hannah: The science of this is very strange. He's controlling an ant wearing a necklace that's been switched off by waving his ring at him. Okay.

The chimney in the Temple of Light looks familiar to Hannah.

Hannah: The first thing that came to my head was a Viennetta but I don't know why. A chimney of Viennetta.
Me: Wow. You've got a nerve calling the science strange.

It's time to see if Hannah can spot the famous actor. Admittedly she may find it a little tricky to identify the completely unrecognisable person inside one of the Menoptra costumes, but I decide to try my luck.

Me: Do you recognise that actor?
Hannah: No! Why would I?
Me: It's Martin Jarvis.
Hannah: I don't know who that is.
Me: You've never listened to his readings of the Just William stories?
Hannah: No.
Me: Really? I'd have thought it would be exactly your kind of thing. His recordings are fantastic, we listened to them on long car journeys during every summer of my childhood. Except for one year when we listened to Willie Rushton reading the Asterix stories.

But another one of the Menoptra, Prapillus, does sound very familiar to Hannah. He reminds her of another actor and she can't put her finger on it, until...

Hannah: Is that thingy from Dad's Army? Your favourite one?
Me: Sergeant Wilson?
Hannah: I suppose you would know if it was him, though.
Me: No, it's not John Le Mesurier.
Hannah: It sounded like him. (pause) Didn't it?
Me: Er... a bit?
Hannah: And I'm not just saying this because I want to recognise someone. I just thought he sounded familiar.
Me: Well he played a giant bird in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so I suppose a giant butterfly isn't too much of a stretch. Not that he would have needed to dress up in a ridiculous costume for the radio.

Meanwhile, Ian is doing something to one of the Menoptra just out of frame.

Hannah: Um. What is he doing to her?
Me: What does it look like?
Hannah: I mean I don't want this in the blog, but it looks like he[REDACTED].
Me: Unfortunately it's not up to you what goes in the blog, is it?
Hannah: Yes it is!

Hannah finds it rather tedious that Barbara and her Menoptra friends have literally spent an entire episode discussing warfare tactics.

Hannah: All this standing around and planning. Just do it! Or did they realise there wasn't quite enough plot for six episodes and they needed to pad it out?
Me: Don't worry, you'll get used to it.

The Centre [Episode 6]

Hannah: I thought the Crater of Needles would be more needly and that we'd actually see more of it. They spoke about it so much during all the previous episodes, and then there was one distant picture of it and we saw people stumbling around throwing some seaweed into pools of acid and that was it. There were no needles and it wasn't very obvious that it was a crater. Disappointed in the follow-through.

The Doctor and Vicki are bound in a sticky white substance.

Hannah: Drowning in marshmallow. That looks really, really not nice. What did they hope to achieve by just walking in through the front door?

Ever the keen naturalist, Hannah takes a morbid fascination in a dead Menoptra.

Hannah: Aw. Look, they go all stiff, like when you find a dead insect. Like an upturned fly with its legs sticking out.

Meanwhile, in the tunnels below, Ian's idea of exploring the terrain is to start "poking at soft things" (in Hannah's words).

Hannah: Imagine if he found the Animus' waste pipe and pulled it out.
Me: Ew.

Thankfully the Animus is eventually defeated in a much less nauseating manner.

Hannah: I wanted to know more about the Animus. There are so many creatures that I really want to see again in later stories, and you won't tell me if they will be or not.
Me: If there's anything you want to see again, just read some novels or listen to the audio dramas. Pretty much anything that turns up in the television series will reappear in other media at some point, there's a sequel to practically every story element you can think of.
Hannah: Not the same.
Me: No, it's often much better.

With harmony restored to Vortis, the liberated Menoptra and Zarbi are celebrating but Hannah seems to be lacking empathy.

Hannah: "What was your breakout acting role?" "Idiot jumping."

The Optera are having trouble adjusting to their new life on the surface; the Menoptra advise them to be strong and they'll gradually acclimatise.

Hannah: Photosensitivity! You can't just say "be strong". That's not how evolution works.
Me: Was it evolution or devolution?
Hannah: Evolution is random genetic changes. There's no such thing as devolution.
Me: Try telling that to the Scottish Parliament.
Hannah: Speaking of evolution, why do the gun creatures even exist?

When the Doctor and Ian enter the TARDIS and wait for Barbara and Vicki to join them, Hannah is suddenly struck by the real-world absurdity of this.

Hannah: (laughing) I love that the actors are just stood in a box, waiting for the others to come and quietly stand in the box with them.

With the story finally over, the only thing that remains is to drop another bombshell.

Me: This story has the highest average audience figure of any Hartnell story.
Hannah: Why? Did they really advertise it or something? Or did everyone watch the first one and then told their friends "you need to watch the rest of this story"?
Me: It was the first story to have a promotional trailer. And there were only three channels in those days, so maybe there wasn't much competition on the other two.
Hannah: True. Maybe what was on the other side was really boring for that six-week period. Maybe the snooker was finished or something. Snooker in black and white sounds absolutely stupid.

"And for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."

The Score

Hannah: Good. Would watch again.
Me: You'd be watching on your own.
Hannah: Well, I liked it. You said that it was their attempt to do something striking and special and really try to get the alien element into it, and I think they've done that. Unfortunately some of it didn't work, which is sad. I loved the Menoptra and the Optera, they were cute and weird. If they'd somehow managed to make the costumes just as visually striking but also allow them to actually do some acting and move properly in them, then it would have been amazing and I'd have given it 10 out of 10.

I almost choked on my tea at this point.

Hannah: So... good story, beautiful presentation, amazing aliens, rubbish physical acting, bad choreography of the fight scenes and a little bit too much talking in places. I'm genuinely having trouble scoring this because I want to love it, but at the same time it's a little bit rubbish. It's like your child has made you a painting, but it's shit. There's too much wrong with it to score very high, but too much endearing about it to score very low.
Me: You could split the difference and call it 2.
Hannah: I'd give the Menoptra an 11 out of 10, but I'd give the execution of the story...

6/10