The Myth Makers

Temple of Secrets [Episode 1]

This should be an interesting one. This is my favourite Hartnell adventure (which is no mean feat for a story without any surviving episodes in the BBC archive), but Hannah's feelings were decidedly mixed last time we watched a comedy historical (see The Romans), so let's see how it goes.

We're off to a good start with the setting, which immediately interests her: it's the last days of Troy, ten years after the start of the siege.

Hannah: So I'm guessing Vicki and Steven are going to be captured by the Trojans and taken inside? And then the Doctor's got to try and get inside to rescue them. Oh, there might be a horse involved!
Me: It's a bit of a weird one, this. It's debated whether or not the Trojan War actually happened, but it's usually considered mythology rather than history. So we have another "pure" historical, but one that's not actually set in history.
Hannah: I thought archaeologists had found Troy? Or at least a city that they believed could be Troy.
Me: They've certainly found evidence, and I think a lot of people are now convinced that the city actually existed, but all the stuff about the wooden horse... nobody knows whether it really happened or not, but it's generally believed to be false.
Hannah: Like when Peter Capaldi later meets Robin Hood. I like that this is the only period so far that's not necessarily historically true at all; we don't know if any of it actually happened or existed, but they're treating it as if it did.

She immediately recognises Tutte Lemkow as Cyclops, the one-eyed mute spy.

Hannah: Is that the weird guy with an eyepatch?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: Same eyepatch?
Me: Same actor; he's the same one who wore the eyepatch in Marco Polo. Although it's covering a different eye this time, so you can't say he doesn't have range as an actor.

As we reach the end, Hannah notes the title of the next episode: "Small Prophet, Quick Return".

Hannah: Oh, I see what they did there.
Me: This episode was originally going to be called "Zeus Ex Machina", but they weren't allowed.
Hannah: Hmmm.
Me: I thought you would have appreciated it, considering how much we both love I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.
Hannah: I like puns. Sometimes.

Small Prophet, Quick Return [Episode 2]

Hannah: You say this is a comedy?
Me: Yes, it's a very modern one for the time. Why?
Hannah: It's annoying.

The source of her annoyance in this instance is King Priam's son, Paris.

Hannah: Is Paris the shit child?
Me: Yes, he's the useless cowardly one who started the war.
Hannah: My only knowledge of Troy is from the film Troy.
Me: You mean the absolutely atrocious one starring Brad Pitt?
Hannah: Yeah. I only watched it once.
Me: The one where they give him a female love interest and make Patroclus his cousin, just so that there's absolutely no chance of him looking as ambiguously gay as Achilles does in the Iliad?
Hannah: I only liked it because it had Orlando Bloom.
Me: It was my sister's favourite film when it came out, back when she was a teenager and every new film she saw immediately became her favourite film, regardless of how terrible it was. I don't know how she feels about it now.
Hannah: I would watch it again.
Me: You'd be on your own. I'd rather watch a whole episode of Eldorado than sit through that again.

Vicki is renamed "Cressida" by King Priam shortly before she meets his son, Troilus.

Me: How familiar are you with the Shakespeare play Troilus and Cressida?
Hannah: I've heard of it. Do I need to know the plot to follow this?
Me: Probably not.

Meanwhile Odysseus, who refuses to believe that the Doctor is a god but somehow accepts that he has a box that can travel through time and space, conscripts him into using his knowledge of the future to help the Greeks infiltrate and seize the city of Troy. Steven suggests the wooden horse, but the Doctor rejects it out of hand.

Me: I love the way the audience expects the Doctor to propose the wooden horse, but he immediately dismisses it as a non-starter and tries something else instead.
Hannah: Yes, because he realises that it probably never happened and it's a ridiculous idea, and he doesn't want to be the person who invented it.

Death of a Spy [Episode 3]

The high priestess Cassandra has foreseen the fall of Troy, but nobody seems to be giving her the benefit of the doubt. No wonder she's always so irritable.

Me: Do you know the story of Cassandra in Greek mythology?
Hannah: No?
Me: Apollo gave her the gift of prophecy, but also cursed her so that her accurate prophecies would never be believed.
Hannah: So even though she keeps predicting things and they actually happen, no one believes her?
Me: Correct.
Hannah: And her prophecies keep coming true, but people still don't believe her and nobody learns from their mistakes. Ever.
Me: That's godly curses for you; I don't remember you having any trouble accepting that the luck potion from Harry Potter magically supersedes other people's common sense and free will. Except here it's more along the lines of "don't bring this wooden horse into the city, it's full of people who are going to massacre everyone."

I've always found this story genuinely hilarious, but Hannah's not feeling it quite so much.

Hannah: This comedy is annoying.
Me: Why?
Hannah: I don't know. I just don't find it that funny.

Or so she keeps saying; it doesn't stop her laughing uproariously at a "parchment aeroplane" joke a few seconds later. In fact she's been chuckling pretty consistently throughout the story, although admittedly nowhere near as much as me.

She's surprised when the Doctor finally gives up and steals Homer's ridiculous Trojan Horse idea, but it raises some interesting questions.

Hannah: So if Homer just made it up and it never really happened in the first place, and it turns out that it was the Doctor who invented it because nobody else had done it, that means it's one of those bootstrap paradoxes. The Doctor took the idea from Homer, but it turns out Homer wrote it that way because the Doctor was there the whole time and ended up giving Homer the idea. So who actually invented that idea?
Me: I think it sort of works if you assume that it didn't actually happen in the first place, and the Doctor has taken the idea from a work of fiction and made it come true; it's only a bootstrap paradox if he imitates something that had actually happened, like if he went back in time and copied out War and Peace. I think. That's the implication of the story, anyway; we're supposed to believe the Trojan Horse wasn't part of history until the Doctor arrived and changed the course of events.
Hannah: I like these "fiddling with history" stories.
Me: This episode was originally going to be called "Is There a Doctor in the Horse?" but it got vetoed.
Hannah: Good!
Me: It's a fantastic title!
Hannah: But none of the other titles have been funny before.
Me: They're not all comedy stories like this one.

Admittedly it's hard to find anything to laugh about when the Cyclops is slaughtered by a Trojan guard ("Aww! They just straight-up killed him!"). Even when the wooden horse has finally been completed, Hannah still doesn't find the idea any more credible.

Hannah: They built that in less than a day. How the fuck?
Me: It's only wood.
Hannah: It's forty feet high!
Me: I would love to see how the production team pulled this off. Maybe one day the episodes will be discovered and we'll be able to see it.
Hannah: The world may seem a place of infinite possibilities, but I don't think it is.

Horse of Destruction [Episode 4]

We may not have gotten "Is There a Doctor in the Horse" but at least the series now has an episode called "Horse of Destruction", which is surely the next best thing. Beat that, Star Trek.

Hannah is still unconvinced by the eponymous gambit.

Hannah: I mean, who would think that it wouldn't be a trick? Why would anyone think the Greeks would leave them something?

After three episodes of jolly comedy antics, the story suddenly turns very dark and violent as the Greeks start slaughtering the Trojans.

Me: This change of mood must have been quite shocking at the time.
Hannah: Oh, Steven's been properly injured?
Me: Yep, they're not going to get out of this one unscathed.
Hannah: I hope he doesn't die. Not like that.

While Cassandra's handmaiden Katarina helps Steven back to the TARDIS, Vicki has a quiet word with the Doctor. Hannah can see where this is leading.

Hannah: Is Vicki leaving? As soon as somebody falls in love they decide to leave the TARDIS.
Me: Susan didn't exactly get a lot of choice.
Hannah: She kind of wanted to stay behind.

She wistfully watches the Doctor and Steven depart.

Hannah: That means Steven didn't get to say goodbye! I didn't think Vicki would leave so soon. It doesn't feel like she was there long enough.

Meanwhile, Vicki is reunited with Troilus.

Hannah: She's staying behind in a war zone?
Me: The war's over now.
Hannah: Yes, and they're on the losing side.

At this point, Hannah suddenly notices that Katarina is still on board the TARDIS.

Hannah: Oh, she snuck in did she? I didn't see that!

The story ends with Steven in desperate need of medical attention, so Hannah is understandably a little apprehensive about the title of the next episode.

Hannah: "The Nightmare Begins"? I think it's pretty much bad enough already.

The Score

Hannah: Well, a lot happened there. I like this story and I liked the humour, but then it got really dark at the end.
Me: You said you didn't like the humour.
Hannah: I don't particularly, but it makes it different and interesting. It's not my favourite style, but I understand why they do it and I like the fact that they're trying it. It makes the story more interesting and fun.

7/10

In case you're wondering, it's a solid 10 from me.

Hannah: I want to see where they go from here. I knew he got a companion from the past at some point, but I thought it was a Scottish person. Not someone from Troy.

Galaxy 4

Four Hundred Dawns [Episode 1]

Hannah is less than thrilled at the prospect of another reconstruction of a missing episode. Which is unfortunate, because we're about to embark on a long stretch of them; in fact it's going to be another twenty-five episodes before we next see two surviving episodes in a row.

Me: It could be worse. Until recently this entire story was missing, but episode 3 was discovered six years ago.
Hannah: (sarcastically) Yay.

It may not sound like much, but at least it breaks up what would otherwise have been ten missing episodes in a row. Frankly, I'll take whatever I can get over the next couple of seasons.

Me: The other good news is that there are six minutes of surviving footage in the middle of this first episode.
Hannah: Huh. Weird. Was it cut for an excerpt on Blue Peter or something? They're normally about 20 seconds.
Me: It was for a documentary in 1977 called Whose Doctor Who. Only 30 seconds were eventually used, but the discarded footage was kept by the president of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society.

Hannah takes an immediate shine to the little robots.

Hannah: It's a robot vacuum cleaner! It looks just like a giant Roomba.

And then...

Hannah: Oh, they named it a Chumbley? (sigh)
Me: What's wrong with that?
Hannah: I thought Vicki was using it as an adjective.
Me: She was, but it's also what she's decided to call them.

When we reach the six-minute oasis of moving footage and meet the Drahvins, a bunch of gun-toting Dusty Springfield lookalikes with dots instead of eyebrows, Hannah suspects the plot twist pretty much straight away (not that it's fooling anybody); the Drahvins are the antagonists and the ugly monsters (the Rills) are the good guys. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, she turns her attention to more interesting things. Like merchandising opportunities.

Hannah: "More Chumblies!" I want that on a t-shirt.
Me: You like the Chumblies, don't you?
Hannah: They're quite cute. And they have cute noises, like little farts.

She certainly likes them enough to be upset when the Drahvins open fire on one of them.

Hannah: Awww! Like a cooked snail in a shell.

The episode ends as the Doctor calculates that there are only two dawns remaining until the planet's destruction.

Hannah: But there are three suns.
Me: Yes, I'm not entirely sure how dawns work here. The days must all be different lengths.
Hannah: What's this story called, by the way?
Me: Galaxy 4. Or possibly Galaxy Four.

Trap of Steel [Episode 2]

For some reason, the Doctor has decided to tell the Drahvins that the planet will explode in fourteen dawns' time.

Hannah: Why has he lied to them?
Me: I have absolutely no idea. It's completely pointless.
Hannah: They're shit soldiers. Apart from the leader they're all a bit stupid, they've got no imagination or initiative. They're almost like children.

The quality of the soundtrack seems to be getting worse as we go along.

Hannah: It's really difficult to know what's going on when you can't hear it properly.
Me: I don't think we're missing much.
Hannah: I know. But with other reconstructions I could at least hear what was happening.

At this point we come across a line of dialogue that's completely unintelligible, even by the standards of this reconstruction.

Hannah: Nope, not a clue.
Me: I wouldn't worry, it's not very plot-heavy at the moment.

A quick Google search pulls up a handy transcript so that we can decipher it.

Hannah: Oh. It was boring.

Time to meet the Rills; the Doctor and Vicki arrive in what the script describes as the Rill centre ("It sounds like a Welsh community centre"), but it's not as futuristic as Hannah had been hoping.

Hannah: Ooh, nice little habitats. And by that I mean crap. It's like a big polytunnel or greenhouse.

By the end of the episode, Hannah is thoroughly disheartened.

Hannah: This is awful! Really awful.
Me: You mean the quality of the audio?
Hannah: Yes! And probably the story, but I can't tell because I don't know what's going on. I can't hear it, I can't see anything except the still images, and they appear to have spent an entire episode doing practically nothing; they've gone walking outside for a bit, had some conversations and then found an alien that looks like a rolling sphincter.

At least she's in a much better position to appreciate that recovered episode now...

Air Lock [Episode 3]

As the Doctor and Vicki finally encounter the Rills, Hannah and I have an encounter of our own with... moving Chumblies!

Hannah: Shiny. I like how the top bit wobbles.
Me: I can't tell whether or not that's intentional.
Hannah: Why have they got decking and a garden table in the middle of a spaceship?
Me: There's never anything wrong with a bit of decking.

It's not long before her attention turns once again to the merchandising potential.

Hannah: Were there Chumbley action figures?
Me: I don't think so. Do you want one?
Hannah: Maybe. Especially if they pop open.

Hannah has been fairly vocal in the past about the abundance of English-speaking aliens across the universe. (The "TARDIS translation circuit" explanation won't cut any ice with her until it gets explicitly stated within the series.) I'm hoping the next point of interest will stir up a little engagement with an otherwise fairly dull story.

Me: I just want to point out that this is the first time in the series that any kind of translation device appears, or is even mentioned. So we've got aliens here who demonstrably don't speak English.
Hannah: Good! Finally! It's not even the most commonly spoken language on our own planet, never mind other planets across the universe. At least the populations in Firefly also speak Chinese.

Hannah always makes a solid effort to engage with every episode, even the weaker ones, but after spending two episodes straining to hear what's going on she's not finding a whole lot to engage with in this story. (This probably also explains why she's so amused by the name "Pepi Poupee" in the credits.)

The Exploding Planet [Episode 4]

Hannah couldn't help noticing (in the absence of much else to notice) that Steven had a lot of hair in the previous episode, and it's now conspicuous by its absence.

Hannah: He's definitely had a haircut.
Me: Maybe they should do it between stories. Not that anyone would remember from one week to the next.

After a brief respite we're back to the reconstructions, and the audio quality is worse than ever.

Me: We do have a copy of the narrated soundtrack on CD, which would be a lot clearer. But the episode length is extended to fit the narration, so if we listen to the CD whilst watching the reconstruction they won't match up.
Hannah: So we're watching the worst possible thing?
Me: Not quite, we've got the pictures at least. But we can put the CD on if you like.
Hannah: No, we're almost finished.

The explosion is now an hour and a half away.

Hannah: Weird how they can pinpoint it that precisely. An entire planetary extinction event thing.

When our heroes are given permission to see the Rill in person, Hannah noticeably perks up at the prospect of seeing one in the flesh.

Hannah: They're finally going in to see them?
Me: Yes, it's the only episode where you get to see the Rills. But there are no stills of them.
Hannah: Really? Even though it would be the one thing that they would probably put in the annual? It's exactly the kind of thing that someone would put in a compendium of all the aliens, or they'd have them featuring on Blue Peter or whatever. You'd expect there would be something where they've shown a costume or a still image.

Never mind the entire planet going up in smoke; for Hannah, the real tragedy is when the Chumbley de-activates itself.

Hannah: Aw. I suppose it is a robot, though.
Me: You'd get upset if R2-D2 died.
Hannah: He's got an AI, so yes. I don't think Chumblies do. And I notice they call themselves Chumblies now.
Me: Yeah, you'd think the Rills would have their own names for them.

She's certainly more concerned about their fate than that of the Drahvins, but she spares some thought for the ethics of the situation.

Hannah: So he knows that the Drahvins are going to die, but he's leaving them there anyway because they've been completely uncooperative.
Me: He's offered them help, they didn't want it. What else can he do?
Hannah: I want to know why the planet explodes like that. It's just silly.

The Score

Hannah: I like the fact that it's got an alien race that doesn't look human and needs a translation device, and it's got the cute little Chumblies. And some things were genuinely scary, like Steven almost suffocating and dying. But some of the danger was badly choreographed, and a lot of other things weren't really scary.

6/10

The Time Meddler

The Watcher [Episode 1]

Hannah is still mourning the loss of Ian and Barbara.

Hannah: How are they going to cope now?

When the Doctor and Vicki hear a noise coming from the TARDIS living quarters, they jump to the conclusion that it's "obviously a Dalek"; Hannah knows better, of course.

Hannah: "Obviously." I think you'll find it's Peter Purves.

It is indeed Steven, and she's overjoyed to see the stuffed panda again.

Hannah: Told you. I want to cosplay as the panda. So, for some reason they don't actually think he's mental, even though he went back for a cuddly toy?
Me: He's calmed down a bit now.

The TARDIS arrives in Northumbria in the year 1066, closely observed from the clifftop by an ominous monk.

Me: It's been a while since we've had a historical story.
Hannah: Yeah. When I saw the monk I just wondered if it was some kind of space monk.
Me: That's Peter Butterworth from the Carry On films. What's a space monk?
Hannah: I don't know, but they've had them in later episodes.
Me: So where do you think we are?
Hannah: Please be Vikings.

Hannah, who always insists that she never recognises actors, surprises us both when the Doctor goes for a wander and meets one of the local women, Edith.

Hannah: She's been in it before.
Me: Oh, very good!
Hannah: Was she a caveman?
Me: Yes! Right at the very beginning of the series. I'm surprised you recognised her, it feels like a long time ago now.
Hannah: I don't recognise people very often, but I recognised her because she has a distinctive face.

She loves the Doctor's panda joke, but unfortunately she misses the infamous "space helmet for a cow" gag because she's so preoccupied with the Viking helmet.

Hannah: The Vikings never had helmets with horns on; they've never found any. The historical inaccuracies are annoying. But at least it's being balanced with correct and interesting information, so it's not so bad.

There's also a rather curious moment where the Monk checks his wrist before realising he's lost something.

Hannah: For a moment I thought he was going to look at his watch!
Me: Don't be silly.
Hannah: The camera direction in this is really good.
Me: It's directed by Douglas Camfield, one of the more popular directors. He also worked on The Crusade.

She doesn't immediately make the connection when Steven discovers a wristwatch in the forest later, and when the monastic chanting from the monastery suddenly slows down for a second and then gets back up to speed again, Hannah assumes it must be a production error.

Hannah: It sounded like a recording that's wonky.

She begins to catch on when the cliffhanger reveals that a gramophone is responsible for the chanting, although her first reaction is to identify another time meddler from the David Tennant episode "Turn Left".

Hannah: Is it the Trickster?

The Meddling Monk [Episode 2]

Hannah's theory has taken me completely by surprise, and she seems a little dispirited about it.

Hannah: I thought I'd come up with an interesting idea about people meddling with time.
Me: Well, maybe this will turn out to be an even more interesting idea.
Hannah: Yeah, a meddling monk. Maybe if Ian and Barbara had kept their time machine they could have gone travelling to all the places they wanted to go, and then Ian got old and weird and became a monk. Is the Doctor getting breakfast in bed?

Despite the charming sight of an electronic toaster in the late Saxon period she's still missing the teachers, even expecting to see Ian's face instead of Steven at one point.

Hannah: Vicki's got good makeup for roughing it overnight in the woods. Oh! Now I know why the Monk was looking at his watch.

(That splintering crash you can hear is the sound of a penny dropping.)

Me: See, this is the advantage you've got that I never had; I already knew what this story was about before I ever saw it. It's the first historical where the history isn't played completely straight, so you go into it thinking it's just going to be business as usual and then you get wristwatches and gramophones. You get to experience the same surprise plot twist that the contemporary audience would have had, unlike the majority of fans who originally saw these stories out of order.
Hannah: Is the Monk trying to find his watch with a pair of binoculars?
Me: More likely he's scanning the horizon for Viking longboats.

In the aftermath of a Viking raid on the village, the Doctor's friend Edith lies inert on the ground; as ever, the implication is clear enough.

Hannah: Oh no, don't be dead! Oh, good, she's not dead.
Me: There's a good chance that something else has happened to her, though.

Neither of us really wants to dwell on this for very long, so Hannah deftly changes the subject.

Hannah: I see Hartnell was on holiday for this one.

A Battle of Wits [Episode 3]

Based on the episode title, Hannah is expecting Steven and Vicki to spend the episode evading a series of traps inside the monastery so she's a little underwhelmed when the secret passage brings them straight back outside. Speaking of the outdoor scenery, the landscape around Edith's cottage looks a little irregular when the Monk pays her a visit.

Hannah: Hmmm. That backdrop looks really bad.
Me: I think it's quite well-drawn.
Hannah: It's pretty but the whole perspective is completely wrong.
Me: You can't have everything.

To be honest I'm just spending the whole episode marking time until the cliffhanger and the second plot twist: the Monk doesn't just have a time machine, he has a TARDIS. I make sure to watch Hannah's face during the reveal, and it doesn't disappoint.

Hannah: I see! I'm not saying it. We'll just watch the next one.
Me: What aren't you saying?
Hannah: Nothing.

Checkmate [Episode 4]

Hannah: All TARDISes look the same, apparently.
Me: Why shouldn't they?
Hannah: The Doctor's TARDIS changes.
Me: Yes, but it hasn't yet. Think of it as the default setting.
Hannah: So maybe they're built to standard, and they adapt to the person?
Me: Yeah, you can just change the desktop theme.

The Monk seems to have amassed a collection of trinkets from every period of history, although it looks surprisingly Earth-centric.

Hannah: Why is everyone so obsessed with Earth's history? There are so many other planets.

Incidentally, there's a nice bit of intensity from Hartnell when he declares that the Monk has got to be stopped.

Hannah: His facial expressions are just amazing.

For some reason, Edith (the only woman we've seen in the whole of Northumbria so far) gets to join in with the men who are repelling the Viking incursion.

Hannah: Why does she get to join in? There aren't any other women there.
Me: That's the glass ceiling for you.

Then we come to a particularly violent scene, in which the Monk leaves two Vikings to be brutally killed by the villagers. Twelve seconds are missing, so we can only imagine how much more violent it was on the original transmission, but luckily those twelve seconds have been reconstructed as a DVD extra. When I suggest to Hannah afterwards that we go back and watch twelve seconds of audio and stage directions, she seems genuinely excited at the prospect; I don't know whether to be pleased or slightly worried.

In the meantime, she's more concerned with the Doctor's plan to sabotage the Monk's TARDIS.

Hannah: Is he stealing all the bits to make his own TARDIS work properly? Is he going to fly it away by remote control so that the Monk has to stay there forever?
Me: Better than that.
Hannah: What could be better than that?

In the end, she accepts that shrinking the inside to match the outer dimensions and leaving him stranded in the 11th century is actually pretty nifty.

Hannah: I'm glad I didn't say something stupid when they revealed the Monk's TARDIS.
Me: So you know he's not the Master now?
Hannah: Yes. Well, it could have been, but they don't know each other. And he's not evil, he's just silly.
Me: Yeah, he's a mischief-maker rather than an outright villain. More like a naughty schoolboy who's doing it for fun.

The Score

Hannah: They kept the mystery for a long time and it was a good one, but there were a few annoying historical inaccuracies.
Me: You mean like the gramophone, the toaster, the nuclear missiles...
Hannah: No, like the horned helmets! But everything else looked pretty good. It's interesting that you can have comedy bits in it when you've also got scenes of some vikings being murdered and a woman possibly being raped, but it's a very well-balanced story. I feel like I wanted more. It was well-made, there weren't that many mistakes, it was fun and it still leaves you with loads of questions about the Doctor's race and whether they all have a TARDIS.

9/10

The Chase

The Executioners [Episode 1]

Me: So, you may remember that the Doctor helped himself to a new bit of kit from the Space Museum at the end of the previous story.
Hannah: Yes. Did it have a hidden tracker inside it?
Me: No, but you're about to find out what it does.
Hannah: Does it turn the TARDIS into a tiny little china model?

Admittedly the model shot of the TARDIS in transit isn't the most convincing, but we both love the opening scenes of domestic life on board the ship; Hannah is a little put off by the "weird chirpy music" but it turns out to be the Doctor whistling as he repairs the museum piece. She's not sure about Ian's "striking" shirt either and it takes her a while to realise it's not a pair of pyjamas.

The Space-Time Visualiser is a "time television" that allows the operator to view any event in history. (Try not to think too hard about how it works.) When Ian asks for Pennsylvania on 19th November 1863 and the device somehow knows it should be focusing on Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address, Hannah immediately has questions.

Hannah: Pennsylvania's a large area. How would it know they want to see that bit? From that description it could have been a cow in a field. Or a worm underground.

A quick look at the throne room in the Elizabethan period reveals that Hannah is more familiar with the characters in The Merry Wives of Windsor than I had realised (even if she's half expecting Blackadder to turn up), and Ian's dancing to "Ticket to Ride" goes down very well when we finally get to the Beatles.

Hannah: Did they have to pay to use this clip?
Me: Yes, it's from Top of the Pops. The Beatles wanted to be in Doctor Who but they couldn't make the schedules meet; the plan was to have them as elderly versions of themselves performing a 50th anniversary concert, but they were busy filming Help! at the time so they used this footage instead. Although it does raise the question of how Ian knows the lyrics to a song that was recorded two years after he left Earth.
Hannah: Maybe he heard it when they were in the future at some point. It'll probably still be just as iconic.

Of course, it can't all be Beatles music. (We should be so lucky.)

Hannah: Whoever's doing the music for this story is, er... bit different. Sounds out of place. Ooh, an inside shot of the TARDIS as they're leaving it. I like that.

The TARDIS arrives on the desert planet of Aridius. The location footage for Aridius was filmed a mere 20-minute drive from where Hannah's parents now live, so I decide to see whether she can distinguish it from any other expanse of sand.

Me: Do you recognise this?
Hannah: Is it the fossilised forest?
Me: No, it's Camber Sands.
Hannah: Oh! It doesn't look like that, does it? With things.
Me: Does it look familiar now?
Hannah: No. It's some black and white sand.

She's completely nonplussed by the strange mix of different story styles.

Hannah: This episode is just a thing after a thing after a thing. It's all different. Domestic life, history programmes, exploration... and they seem to be doing a lot of filler this episode, otherwise they wouldn't have this scene with every single Dalek going through a narrow door one at a time.
Me: So you don't think it adds texture, then?
Hannah: No! They obviously didn't have enough to fill this episode.

When the episode ends with a Dalek emerging from a sand dune, the dramatic tension is somewhat undermined for Hannah because it sounds to her like the Dalek is coughing in disgust at being covered in sand.

Hannah: Very strange episode. Very strange. A bit of everything mixed in there. Some of it was really good, and then they had all those filler bits. It's like making a really nice drink and then diluting it with some water.

The Death of Time [Episode 2]

Hannah: How are the Daleks moving on sand?
Me: Well...
Hannah: And I don't see how the Aridians could possibly survive. They've completely evolved to live in the water, and now their planet is a desert wasteland. Why aren't they dead?

She's more forgiving of the similarly-afflicted "grotesque underground octopus" but then she gets engrossed in following the movements of a Dalek with a missing plate (or "bald bit") on its bottom section. Then Ian sets a trap that requires Barbara to sacrifice her second cardigan in as many stories.

Hannah: Oh. Playing chicken with a gun? This is just silly. I thought they were going to wave the clothes around, make them look like people.
Me: The Daleks have discovered space-time travel. They're not stupid.
Hannah: I think they are.

There's also a rather bizarre moment towards the end where the Doctor taunts a Dalek by calling him "Archie."

Hannah: "Archie"? As in "archenemy"?

Apparently it wasn't in the script, so your guess is as good as mine. Ah, the mysteries of life.

Flight Through Eternity [Episode 3]

Hannah: What's this, lounge music? The jaunty music in this story feels very out of place. And what's happening on those monitors in the Dalek ship? Are they trying to do magic eye tricks in the background?
Me: They've got to pass the time somehow. What do you expect them to do when they're not invading?
Hannah: Science.

After several establishing shots of New York City, our next stop is the observation deck of the Empire State Building.

Hannah: This is the weirdest story I've ever seen. Drama, drama, drama, then lovey little jolly music and a slide show of New York.
Me: That annoying tourist is played by Peter Purves, back in the days before he became a Blue Peter presenter. He originally auditioned to be a Menoptra in The Web Planet but ended up getting this job instead because he was too good to be hidden inside a giant butterfly costume.
Hannah: Everybody's putting on horrible American accents.

I'm going to assume she means that these specific accents are horrible, rather than American accents in general. Peter Purves isn't innocent in this either, as he's lumbered with playing a tourist from Alabama.

Hannah: Eugh. Oh, it's just awful.

When the Daleks turn up and confront the tourist, it looks for a moment like they're going to put us all out of our misery.

Hannah: Aw, does he die?
Me: Why, do you like him?
Hannah: No.

When the Doctor is tinkering with his equipment I can sense Hannah's disappointment that his screwdriver isn't a little more sonic, but she thinks the next set looks excellent. Except...

Hannah: Why does he keep bouncing around Earth?
Me: How do you know this is Earth?
Hannah: It's humans on a ship. Where else is it going to be?

Hannah, sadist that she is, laughs out loud when Vicki accidentally hits Ian on the head.

Hannah: He's been hit on the head so many times! He must have brain damage.

When the crew abandons ship to escape the Daleks, she almost manages to anticipate the historical in-joke (she goes with the Bermuda Triangle rather than the Mary Celeste, but close enough).

Hannah: Oh, that's actually really dark! A woman is jumping overboard with her baby!
Me: Unfortunately that really happened. The captain's wife and infant daughter were among the people who disappeared from the actual ship.

Hannah notices that the Daleks aren't actually shooting anyone, not even the Peter Purves character (so it's not as if they weren't provoked). The light-hearted comedic style combined with a sense of urgent threat just isn't meshing for her.

As the credits roll, Hannah can't resist taking one final swipe at the American tourist.

Hannah: Morton Dill. It's a stupid name for a stupid man.

Journey into Terror [Episode 4]

Hannah: Oh! Where are they this time? Are they still on Earth? That's just boring. It's too Earth-y. Obviously all the budget went on this dry ice.

She doesn't waste any time trying to get to the bottom of it.

Hannah: It's like a haunted house. Are they in Dracula's castle?
Me: Don't be silly, there's no such thing as Dracula.
Hannah: It looks like an actual haunted house. Like a fairground attraction. Clever, but I don't like it. Old-style camera tricks are creepier than CGI.

She doesn't seem overly shocked when Frankenstein's monster turns up, nor when Dracula makes an appearance shortly afterwards. But something about the vampire doesn't seem quite right.

Hannah: He's not speaking! Did they dub him because he couldn't speak with the false teeth?
Me: Interesting theory.
Hannah: Have they accidentally landed inside a book? I don't think that's quite how the TARDIS works.

Just to keep things interesting, a woman appears and screams at us.

Me: That's Rosalyn De Winter.
Hannah: Who?
Me: The insect movement choreographer on The Web Planet. She was put in this as a thank-you for her "insect movement" work.
Hannah: A thank-you? Like, "good work"?
Me: Astounding, isn't it?

Hannah is disappointed when the Daleks finally manage to destroy the Frankenstein monster (presumably due to his literary status as a misunderstood social outcast), but that's nothing compared to her reaction when the TARDIS accidentally leaves without Vicki.

Hannah: They've left her behind! I can't believe they forgot Vicki! Would he ever have forgotten Susan?

She's relieved to see that Vicki has stowed away on board the Dalek ship, and when the setting is revealed to be a haunted house attraction in Ghana she accepts it without asking too many questions. Probably for the best.

Hannah: I knew it! I really like the haunted horror thingy. I mean I hate that kind of thing and I would never go in one, but I thought it was a fun bit of plot.
Me: It still doesn't explain why the exhibits attack tourists.

To infiltrate the group, the Daleks create a robot duplicate of the Doctor that they claim is "impossible to distinguish from the original."

Hannah: Except the face. Why did they use a body double for the distance shot and then use Hartnell for the close-up? I know you need a body double if they're both going to appear in the same shot later on, but right there? Was Hartnell just not available for filming? He couldn't run from one end of the studio to the other in time because they're on such a tight schedule, but then he got there in time to do a quick close-up? Weird.

The Death of Doctor Who [Episode 5]

When the TARDIS lands on the planet Mechanus, lush with pulsating malevolent vegetation, Hannah flippantly suggests that they've landed inside a greenhouse. She's clearly still annoyed about Edmund Warwick playing the robot.

Hannah: Why couldn't they just use Hartnell? It's stupid. It's stupid and it sticks out. Are we supposed to tell the difference because the robot's got stripy trousers?
Me: And the fact that it doesn't look anything like him.

When the confrontation between the two Doctors finally takes place, Hannah manages to keep her enthusiasm in check.

Hannah: That was one of the most rubbish fights I've ever seen. Not because I thought the Doctor is a bad fighter but the two of them together... it's like they were doing it in slow motion, giving each other the time to attack.

The Planet of Decision [Episode 6]

Hannah: I remember the Mechanoids from that documentary about Doctor Who toys. I wondered when they would turn up. Well, actually I forgot about them until I saw them just now.

(The documentary is on the special edition DVD release of The Aztecs, if you're interested.)

When the Daleks repeat their chant from the previous episode, I'm impressed that she actually remembers the whole thing. Not to mention slightly unnerved when she starts joining in.

Hannah: "Attack and destroy! Destroy and rejoice!" Why are they rejoicing? I thought they didn't have emotions?
Me: That's Cybermen; Daleks are very emotional creatures. Mostly hatred. Have you not noticed how they gloat like playground bullies when everything goes their way, and then throw childish tantrums when they get thwarted?
Hannah: I know, I just keep forgetting because of the robotic voices.

The design of the Mechanoids looks great, although the effect is slightly spoiled by the antenna that suddenly pops out of the top.

Hannah: Ping pong balls on springs.
Me: Same to you.
Hannah: The Mechanoids look interesting, but they don't look very agile. They're basically a completely useless shape.

She's very impressed with the miniature model of the Mechanoid city.

Hannah: Someone actually had to build that. It doesn't look like there are any rooms; it's all corridors. What happens if two meet each other in a corridor?
Me: This.
Hannah: Ah yes, it's happening now. Are they dancing, conversing, or just annoyed that they can't get past?

In the Mechanoid cell our heroes meet a fellow prisoner, astronaut Steven Taylor. And his stuffed panda mascot.

Me: Does he seem familiar to you?
Hannah: No. Is that Purves again?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: He's the most animated guest character out of all the stories so far. The only one who appears to be slightly believable.

He's also grown rather attached to the panda over two years of isolation, so when our heroes accidentally start a fire during their escape he runs back inside to rescue it.

Hannah: (laughing) He's gone mad! He's going for the panda! I hope he's a descendant of that mad guy from Alabama. Oh, Ian's got his hands up Barbara's pants.

As the Daleks battle the Mechanoids (which are apparently much less resilient than the 20th century funfair attractions we saw earlier), the city goes up in flames. Hannah is devastated.

Hannah: Some actual fire! Oh, someone set fire to the model. That's really depressing! Someone put a lot of effort into that. It was the Kate Moss of sculptures.

After everything is wrapped up nicely, except for our heroes being completely oblivious to Steven running around lost in the jungle ("Aw, he's got his panda!" beams Hannah), there's just time to have a look inside the Dalek time machine. Incidentally, it's also bigger on the inside, for reasons that are never explained.

Hannah: So the Daleks have got dimensional science as well?
Me: Apparently.

When Ian and Barbara decide to use it to go home the Doctor is furious, but it's clear that he just doesn't want them to leave him.

Hannah: It's very emotional, he doesn't know if they're going to die or get back home safely. You can tell the Doctor is really upset and I think if he hadn't acted like that, it wouldn't have been right.

The Doctor watches their return on the Time Space Visualiser, although (as Hannah points out) given that they arrive two years off-target he would have needed to do a hell of a lot of trial and error to find them.

As the Doctor and Vicki set off, there's still something troubling Hannah.

Hannah: There's still a man outside. And his panda. They've left him behind as well! You don't even know if he's dead or just having to live on that planet for the rest of his life with a stuffed panda. I was hoping he might tag along and be the next companion. Has he stowed away? Maybe at the beginning of the next episode they're going to find him curled up in a corner with his panda and screaming "It's so big inside!"

Hannah watches the credits in a state of mild shock.

Hannah: I didn't think they'd ever leave.
Me: You knew they would at some point.
Hannah: I know, but I didn't... you know, you never think they will.
Me: Yeah. They've been there since the very beginning. It's the end of an era.
Hannah: I don't like it. 3 out of 10, there we go. We're done. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to watch it without them. I'm almost serious.
Me: I know how you feel. I've been dreading this story because I don't want them to go.
Hannah: They're the best bit. I suppose it would have been wrong for them not to jump at the chance to try and go home when the story has concluded with a fully-working time machine at their disposal, but I always thought the Doctor would die first. I'd like to see their reaction to a different Doctor; we've already seen the Doctor have to cope with another companion, so now I want to see the companions cope with another Doctor.
Me: You will. Just not yet.
Hannah: I know, but I wanted them! I wanted them to experience it.

The Score

Hannah: Okay, so... it's funny but weird. It's a very strange story, it's got all kinds of different things thrust together; you've got the little funny sequences alongside an overarching air of terror and then some deep and meaningful bits at the end. It's a big mish-mash, and I like parts of it and I don't like other parts of it. There's a lot of filler and some of the direction's a bit rubbish with some awkward, jarring cuts between shots. It's hard to rate this one. I like the story but the execution is a little rubbish; there are so many good bits and ideas but so much weirdness and rubbishness that it doesn't flow properly.

7/10

Hannah: I'm glad they got home.

The Space Museum

The Space Museum [Episode 1]

Hannah: Oooh. It's like a spaceship graveyard.

We pick up directly from the end of the previous episode, giving Hannah reason to believe she's spotted a continuity error.

Hannah: They've changed clothes! They've all changed clothes! Oh, they've noticed.

Yes, it's another episode with a string of inexplicable events, but the Doctor is taking it very calmly.

Hannah: How weirdly mundane.

Hannah is thrilled to finally see a story where the Doctor suggests that they all stick together rather than splitting up, and as the mystery unfolds she's constantly trying to work out what's going on. She finds it even more engaging when she realises nobody in the museum can see our heroes, although she's not sure why they were trying to hide at all ("Why didn't they just ask if they can come into the museum?"). She also gets a bit of a shock when they come to a museum exhibit of a Dalek.

Hannah: Well. Shit.

She's momentarily distracted by the idea that the people of Vicki's time apparently don't have pictures in their history books, but when she realises the travellers can't hear anything that's going on in the museum she's completely mystified.

Hannah: That's really strange. I haven't worked it out yet. I pride myself on being able to work out things.
Me: I wouldn't worry too much on this one.
Hannah: I think they're out of sync. And they're not quite in that universe.

When they discover they can't touch any of the items on display, it confirms her suspicions.

Hannah: There we go. They're out of phase. That's why they're not leaving footprints. Or the whole thing's a hologram. Oh look, they bumped into a mannequin that they can't touch.

Of course, that doesn't explain why the four of them subsequently discover their own mummified bodies in display cases.

Hannah: That's not nice.

The Doctor surmises that the TARDIS has "jumped a time track" and given them fourth dimensional difficulties.

Hannah: Is this story called "The Fourth Dimension"?
Me: No.
Hannah: Oh.

The display cases are only a potential future, and our heroes need to change their future once the realities have merged.

Hannah: Yeah, but they still haven't explained how those clothes got put on them in the first place.

Finally, time corrects itself; the bodies disappear and the Doctor's party finally arrives.

Hannah: That doesn't make any sense! Why aren't they in the TARDIS? Why didn't they arrive in the TARDIS?
Me: They did, that's why the footprints have only just appeared. Time has only just caught up with their actions.

There's a general fan consensus on this story which says that the first episode is great but that the premise is wasted by the three tedious ones that follow, so I'm interested to see what Hannah makes of this one so far.

Hannah: Very odd. Not bad, but odd. Is the next one... better?

The Dimensions of Time [Episode 2]

Hannah: Barbara looks like she's going to be sick.
Me: It's probably not a pleasant feeling when you're suddenly confronted with your own mummified body.

Cue the Xerons.

Hannah: Why have they all got their eyebrows drawn on?
Me: They've got two sets of eyebrows, which is lucky because I know how much you dislike aliens that look too humanoid.
Hannah: Ha. They're very strange but they've definitely gone back to using bipedal humanoids, just with weird hair and weird eyebrows.
Me: One of them is a young Jeremy Bulloch, who played Boba Fett in the Star Wars films. Although I've never understood why he's such a popular character, he hardly does anything in the original trilogy. It's barely even a speaking part.
Hannah: It's a really boring small pointless part, it's just that people were so interested in him that he got a cult following and was written into the prequels.

She's not impressed with the security in the museum; not only does Ian help himself to one of the guns on display, but the Doctor manages to get away with hiding inside the Dalek exhibit. His Dalek impression gives her a good laugh, until...

Hannah: What did he say? "I am the master"?! He can't say that.
Me: Why?
Hannah: The Master's a different character.
Me: Not yet.

A thought occurs when Ian uses the wool from Barbara's cardigan to trace their steps.

Hannah: They're wearing the same clothes that we saw in the cases. If she cuts the cardigan up, she can't be wearing it when they're in the cases.
Me: Good point.
Hannah: If they just take all their clothes off they can never be in the cases. Or does that just slightly change the future? Do they just see a different future where they're still in the cases, just naked?
Me: Will you not keep putting this image in my head please?
Hannah: Hang on, he unravelled a whole cardigan?!

Remarkably, the story still seems to be holding her interest after the promise of episode one.

Hannah: Interesting. Really interesting story, makes me think a lot.
Me: And the execution?
Hannah: Mostly well done. Still don't know how they changed their clothes at the beginning.

The Search [Episode 3]

Hannah: The weird time travel bit is completely irrelevant to the whole story; they could just have turned up, discovered that all intruders get put in boxes and tried not to get caught. But I like that they made it a time problem where they've seen the future and need to make sure that it doesn't happen. I like it when films and things do that, where there's a constant threat of something that might or might not happen.

Hannah, usually so quick to criticise the fight scenes in this programme, is pleasantly surprised when Ian takes on two Morok guards.

Hannah: Wow, there's some decent hand-to-hand combat.
Me: Some good knee-to-groin combat as well.
Hannah: The fight scenes are really good. Exceptionally good compared to most of the other stories.

If only the Moroks themselves were as good.

Hannah: Have you ever watched Babylon 5? There's a character that looks very much like the Moroks.
Me: What, all of them?
Hannah: That kind of hairstyle.

In fact, the Moroks in general aren't impressing her a great deal. Not that I blame her.

Hannah: They're rubbish soldiers.
Me: That's probably what happens when you're moonlighting as a militant museum curator.
Hannah: Why is everyone so stupid? How do they find their own arses?

The Final Phase [Episode 4]

Hannah: Was the Doctor on holibobs last time? Or did it just suit the story that he got captured?
Me: Both.

When the Doctor is defrosted like a leg of pork, Hannah is understandably critical of the science.

Hannah: So they've deep-frozen him but they were able to warm him up again? That was phase two? What was phase one, give him a little bit of a wipe down? It's supposed to be an embalming. Preparing actual embalmed bodies is intricate. All they did was warm him up again and somehow it undid both phases.

Then, when the Doctor calls out to Ian, we get one of those bizarre interludes that needs to be recorded for posterity. If only to prove to myself that it actually happened.

Hannah: Did he call him Breville?
Me: What?
Hannah: I know that's not what he said, but I didn't hear what it actually was.
Me: Who's Breville?
Hannah: A brand of toaster. (after some thought) It might have been "dear boy."
Me: "Breville." Good grief.

She's particularly enjoying the Doctor in this one. She's been finding him witty and fun throughout, admiring his mental control under interrogation a couple of episodes ago and even showing amusement at the sight of William Hartnell in a bathing suit. Here, it's his peculiar delivery of the line "it's a pity" that tickles her.

Hannah: (laughing) He's so weird.

Yet again our heroes are questioning whether their actions are successfully avoiding their destiny, or just bringing them closer to it. After three episodes it's impossible to overstate how repetitive this feels.

Hannah: There's a lot of time being filled with random talking.
Me: It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't just the same argument over and over again.

After all the "excitement" is over, the Doctor helps himself to a souvenir from the museum and explains the TARDIS fault to Ian and Barbara.

Me: Happy with that explanation?
Hannah: Yeah. It's alright. Except they never got changed.

The cliffhanger for the next story gets a mixed reaction.

Hannah: Well. That's a proper cliffhanger, isn't it? But Daleks again! I'm sick of them!
Me: We're watching all these stories very close together, though. This is only the third time in two years.
Hannah: We've already seen one in this story!
Me: That doesn't count.
Hannah: Did they put that in to remind people?
Me: The Daleks turn up about as often as this in the new series as well. In fact they're used a lot more sparingly in the old series after the first few years.
Hannah: Fine. Fair enough. So it introduces the fact that the Daleks now have the ability to time travel. And now they can track the TARDIS? The Doctor's obviously not putting the cloak on.
Me: The cloak?
Hannah: Cloaking devices, for ships.
Me: Oh. Not his actual cloak, then? The black one?
Hannah: No.

But never mind the Daleks, the real cliffhanger is the Time-Space Visualiser. We won't see the Doctor's new toy in action until next time, but that doesn't stop Hannah second-guessing what it does.

Hannah: Does it give us the intro where the TARDIS flies through a wormhole?
Me: No...
Hannah: It visualises time and space, so it goes through the vortex. It makes pretty colours.
Me: You mean the intro from 2005?
Hannah: Yes. Are you telling me they don't have anything interesting like that until the modern series?

The Score

Hannah: Well, it was a completely different style, and I liked it. It's quite fun and I like the Doctor in this one. Interesting story and good fight scenes, well-choreographed, but there was a lot of rambling in that last one as if they were trying to fill time. It feels like the writer got bored and didn't really know what to do, so he just had them say the same things over and over again.
Me: Only that last one?
Hannah: Some of the rest was a bit like that, but specifically the last one. I like the idea of a museum in space and it would have been nice to actually see more exhibits, but obviously you'd have to make all those exhibits and pay for them so I can see why they didn't do it. I think it was a fun story...
Me: Do you?
Hannah: Yeah. I don't think it rates particularly highly because it's got a lot holding it back, but it was an interesting concept to do some weird timey stuff. But it could have been a lot better.

5/10

The Crusade

The Lion [Episode 1]

Hannah: Ah, Turks. Are they going to visit the Ottoman Empire? Another period of history I know nothing about.
Me: How do you know they're Turks?
Hannah: I thought that style of helmet was from the Ottoman Empire. I could be wrong. Like I said, I know nothing.

They're actually Saracens, and we're in 12th century Jaffa. When Richard the Lionheart turns up, she manages to get her historical bearings.

Hannah: Ah, I see. So they're getting mixed up in the Crusades!
Me: So it would seem.
Hannah: It's a shame they didn't go and see Robin Hood instead.
Me: You'll have to wait for Peter Capaldi to do that.

A noise can be heard off-camera.

Hannah: Who's smashing those bits of metal around?
Me: It's a sword fight.
Hannah: It's more like an impatient child banging cutlery together.

When Ian inevitably ends up getting involved, the fight choreography is so convincing that Hannah is surprised to feel a genuine sense of peril for a change.

Hannah: He's actually fighting for his life.
Me: He's a man of many talents.
Hannah: Well, he had some training with the Aztecs. And he probably learnt a bit as a gladiator.

She's less appreciative when he's lying on the ground and manages to dodge a sword aimed at his head.

Hannah: (laughing derisively) No.
Me: No?
Hannah: If someone was swinging for your head, just moving your head to one side wouldn't stop them. They'd still be able to cut your head off.

She can open a champagne bottle with a sword, so I'll take her word for it.

Hannah: And a one-handed throw like that wouldn't be enough to pierce your sternum, you'd be very lucky to get in between the ribs.

Down in the city, the Doctor distracts a merchant while Vicki lifts some clothes from his stall. Hannah doesn't know what to make of this behaviour, nor is she convinced by the Doctor's rationale that the clothes on the market stall were originally stolen in the first place.

Hannah: Does that make it morally right then? The Doctor can't steal, but apparently if he's stealing stolen goods then it's fine.
Me: For the last time...
Hannah: I know, I know, David Tennant stole money from a cash machine. But they're writing a justification into it this time.

When Barbara starts telling Saladin about her recent adventures (because why wouldn't you tell a 12th century sultan about a planet full of giant insects?), he takes her to be a travelling player. Hannah finds this unprecedented bit of lateral thinking rather refreshing.

Hannah: That's quite a good idea. He doesn't instantly assume they must be time travellers.
Me: Why would he?
Hannah: The astronauts did at the beginning of The Sensorites.
Me: Yes, but they were from the 28th century and he's from the Middle Ages.
Hannah: I like how his first thought is that it sounds like a perfectly good explanation for an actor. This story seems to be well-written and well-acted, and even the fight scenes have been pretty alright. I'm optimistic.
Me: And what do you think of his blackface?
Hannah: Because it's black and white it's hard to tell, but I did think that was the case. I want to know what colour he was in colour.
Me: What?
Hannah: It's filmed in black and white, so he could be painted anything to appear that shade. I want to know what colour he was painted. Is it just a heavy tan?
Me: As far as I know it was just normal blackface. I don't suppose he was painted purple or anything.

Meanwhile, King Richard suspects that his brother John is planning to usurp the crown in his absence.

Hannah: With the help of a snake.
Me: I think that's just the Disney version.

Saladin, ostensibly the villain of the piece, has been honourable and sincere throughout the episode so Hannah's moral compass isn't sure what to make of Richard's refusal to help our heroes.

Hannah: I'm starting to see the shades of grey here... even though Saladin is keeping Barbara prisoner and everything, you kind of think maybe he's the slightly nicer guy because he's treating everyone so well. Is Julian Glover someone I should know? I recognise the name.
Me: He's been in tons of things, including films in the Star Wars, Indiana Jones and James Bond franchises, but you most likely recognise him from Game of Thrones. Or possibly as the voice of the giant spider in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The Knight of Jaffa [Episode 2]

Hannah: Mmmm. Now those are some moustaches.

Hannah's attitude towards King Richard isn't helped by his dining etiquette.

Hannah: It's very rude to talk while eating.
Me: He's the king, he can do whatever he likes. I expect Charles will do that.

I don't tend to point out every single recurring actor in the series but sometimes I have to make an exception. Today that exception is Gábor Baraker, playing the merchant Luigi.

Me: Remember Wang-Lo from Marco Polo?
Hannah: Is it the same actor?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: Is he the one with the horrendously horrible racist accent?
Me: That's the one.
Hannah: I see.

When Ian kneels before the king...

Hannah: He's getting knighted by a king! I hope his hand doesn't slip.

...and arises as Sir Ian, knight of Jaffa, Hannah seems genuinely touched.

Hannah: Aw!

Half the story is missing (episodes 2 and 4 to be exact), so for the first time in a while we're forced to watch more reconstructions. The scene in which the Doctor deals with the matter of the stolen clothes is very confusing, and the lack of moving footage doesn't help in the slightest.

Hannah: So the Doctor got the chamberlain to pay the merchant back for stuff that was stolen from him? That doesn't make any sense at all.

As the episode ends ("I hear chickens!"), Hannah muses on what she's seen so far. Including the bits she hasn't actually seen.

Hannah: It's okay. It seems to be better constructed than some of the other ones. Better than the Mothra shuffling around anyway, it's got people doing people things and they're actually able to move around and fight each other a bit.
Me: Mothra is the giant moth from the Godzilla franchise. Anyway, you like aliens.
Hannah: I love aliens. I don't like aliens that are rubbish and can barely walk on the set.
Me: I thought you liked the Menoptra?
Hannah: I did, but I didn't like the ants. They were rubbish. Cute, but rubbish.

The Wheel of Fortune [Episode 3]

Barbara is accosted by a stranger and decides to take her chances with him rather than deal with her pursuers, much to Hannah's disbelief.

Hannah: Why does she trust him?
Me: She hasn't got a lot of choice.
Hannah: These guards are rubbish. Why does no one ever actually look round corners? And how can they strangle someone that quietly? It's not quick.

On the Doctor's instructions, Vicki is pretending to be a boy; Hannah is hard-pressed to think of a reason for this particular strategy, and to be honest I have no idea either.

Hannah: I can see her boobs. It's not a very good disguise.

The king's sister Joanna tells the Doctor "there's something new in you, yet something older than the sky itself." It's arguably the best line in the whole story and I'm glad to see how much Hannah appreciates it.

Hannah: I like that. He seems like an old man, but somewhere deep underneath he's a different species and can see all of time and space.

When Vicki's ruse is uncovered, the chamberlain is completely bewildered. He's not the only one.

Hannah: They thought it was more believable that she was a boy? Even though she's got boobs and she's quite old for someone whose voice hasn't broken. How old is Vicki?
Me: They didn't give her an age in the series. All we know is that she's a teenager.
Hannah: That's very vague, that's all the way from 13 to 19.
Me: You don't say.

The story gets a great deal more disturbing when Haroun leaves Barbara and his daughter hiding in his house; he gives Barbara a knife so that she can kill them both if the soldiers are likely to find them. The subtext is uncomfortably clear.

Hannah: This is dark!
Me: Yep. Not for kids, is it?
Hannah: "Kill my daughter and yourself before the men take you away to be raped."
Me: You wouldn't get that in Thunderbirds.

Speaking of ethical conundrums, the king wants to marry his sister off to Saphadin in the name of peace. It's obvious whose side Hannah is on.

Hannah: Why don't you do it? Why don't you marry him?

But when the argument is over, she takes a more diplomatic view of things.

Hannah: I mean, I like the idea of peace but I also quite like feminism, the idea of a woman being able to choose her own fate.
Me: Even if it prolongs a war and leads to the mass slaughter of many people?
Hannah: It's difficult.

When we return to Saladin, she's relieved to find that one of the more distasteful elements of this production has seemingly been abandoned. Maybe.

Hannah: Oh, did they not do blackface this time round? Did people complain?
Me: I think they have, haven't they?
Hannah: It's nowhere near as dark as it was.
Me: Maybe they ran out of boot polish.

Nevertheless, she continues to find his principles very refreshing.

Hannah: He's relatively honourable, he's not being portrayed as a stereotypical villain or a horrible barbarian.

When the guards show up and notice the crockery is still warm, Hannah is pleased to see some intelligent lackeys for a change. Any goodwill towards them quickly evaporates when they casually knock over some pots ("Well that was just unnecessary") and steal some bread, although I don't think this is the kind of worst-case scenario Haroun had in mind when he gave Barbara the knife.

Me: It would be interesting if Barbara actually killed his daughter though, wouldn't it? In terms of drama, I mean.
Hannah: It would be really... big.

I suppose that's about as much endorsement as I was expecting.

Hannah: Is Ian on holiday?
Me: Look, he's there.
Hannah: But he's only in this one scene and it's outdoors, so it's pre-filmed, right?

She's getting very good at this.

Elsewhere the Doctor is in trouble with the king, and it's the Earl of Leicester's fault.

Hannah: Goddamn Leicester. I thought I liked your cheese.

The Warlords [Episode 4]

Hannah: Oh no. He's going to get sunburn out there.

Ian has been tied down in the desert, and is being confronted with ants for the second time in as many stories. Hannah thinks his antagonist has a way with words...

Hannah: "I am cursed with the affliction of disbelief." I like that. Poetic.

...but she's less keen on the way he says it.

Hannah: Is he mad, or are they mocking Arabic speaking?

Barbara is now being hidden from El Akir by the girls in his harem, until one of them gives her away (or, as Hannah observes, "she's betraying all of her harem sisters for a ring"). This clearly touches a nerve, and when the other women take revenge on the traitor she seems downright bloodthirsty.

Hannah: So they rip her apart? I like it.

The Score

Hannah: It was interesting... no, it wasn't. The story wasn't that interesting. It was witty, it was well-written, the fighting was actually decent this time, but it was a bit boring. A little bit. I'm hoping it wasn't just because episodes were missing, it's always difficult when there's a few missing and you can't see a lot of the action. But there are so many different elements, it could have been better as a longer story and expanded upon.
Me: If you'd like it better as a longer story, we do have a copy of the novelisation.
Hannah: It wasn't bad at all, it just didn't impact me as much as it could have done. But I like it. I just don't love it. I don't want to be harsh, but I'm only going to give it...

6/10

The Web Planet

The Web Planet [Episode 1]

Shortly before we began this story, we watched an episode of the new BBC adaptation of Howards End. Hannah commented afterwards that she found the pacing too fast, so now I'm worried that I've conditioned her to the pacing of 1960s television and spoiled her ability to watch anything else for a while. Still, if it's glacial pacing she wants, she's in for a treat this week.

She seems pleased with the establishing shot of the night sky on the planet Vortis, at least.

Hannah: Oooh! Moon!

Despite being dragged off course, the TARDIS travellers have found time to divest themselves of the clothes they acquired in ancient Rome.

Hannah: They've changed their clothes.
Me: Good. You don't want them wandering around an alien planet wearing togas.
Hannah: Still got a goblet, though. I hope Barbara and Ian tell their Rome story, they haven't had the chance yet and I want to see the Doctor and Vicki's reactions. And I don't see how the TARDIS can get caught or stuck when it can materialise out of anything, into anything.

We get off to a rocky start when the odd behaviour of the TARDIS gives her vibes of The Edge of Destruction and the annoyance she felt with that story. Luckily this passes and she admits to finding the story very atmospheric, intriguing and mysterious; unfortunately it's at this point that she gets her first look at a Zarbi in all its "glory" and sees an alien that just happens to look exactly like a giant ant. Or, more precisely, a giant ant on a large pair of human legs.

Hannah: Oh. Oh, wow. At first I thought they were little models, but no, they've got people with legs.
Me: Two stories ago in The Rescue you were disappointed that the planet Dido wasn't awash with giant alien insects.
Hannah: I'm happy, then. I'm just heavily distracted by the fact that Ian's wearing a coat, as if he already knows that he's going to go outside and that it's going to be cold.

Sure enough we later find Ian and the Doctor out for a walk on the planet's surface, having taken the precaution of wearing some Atmospheric Density Jackets to protect themselves against the thin atmosphere.

Hannah: I don't see how those jackets are going to do anything for them at all. Especially if Ian doesn't do his up.

Hannah is enjoying hearing about Vicki's life and wants to find out more, but the scene is cut short when Vicki and Barbara are attacked by some kind of psychic presence.

Hannah: I want her mind to get taken over by a giant insect and then try to walk without having enough legs. It's really funny when characters get possessed by something that's not bipedal.

She loves the larvae gun creature, which she subsequently refers to as either "that little mop thing" or "the mop-louse" throughout the rest of the story, but amazingly the giant insects aren't even the most visually striking part of the episode.

Me: Do you like the lens filter?
Hannah: It's making it very difficult to see things properly, but yes. Is it intentional?
Me: Yes, they've smeared the camera lens with Vaseline.
Hannah: Really?
Me: Yep.
Hannah: Really?! What, to make it all weird and ethereal?
Me: The key thing about this story is that they've pulled out all the stops to create a truly alien planet. So they made everything look blurry and filled it with giant alien insects.
Hannah: But they're Earth insects. Apart from that thing that looked like a mop.
Me: You know how you're always complaining about aliens looking too human? This is the only story in the whole of Doctor Who where none of the supporting cast look like human beings. They're all properly alien.
Hannah: Good. I look forward to seeing them.
Me: What did you mean, "was it intentional?"
Hannah: I thought you were going to tell me that the only surviving copy has gone fuzzy or something.
Me: But only on the outdoor scenes?
Hannah: I thought perhaps it showed up more against the black background.
Me: Actually, that's a good point; maybe that's the reason they're wearing so many white clothes, to show off the blurry effect. That could be why the Doctor's wearing a white hat when he normally wears a black one, and why they're wearing white jackets over their normal clothes.

Our first cliffhanger sees the Doctor returning to the TARDIS only to find it missing.

Hannah: Aw, he looks really upset! Maybe he should have left the brakes on or something.

The Zarbi [Episode 2]

Hannah: There's a lot of Vaseline this week.

We're introduced to the Menoptra (or "Menoptera" if you insist on using the alternative spelling), who look suspiciously like actors in giant butterfly costumes. Hannah reacts with a string of noises that I can't possibly begin to transcribe, followed by...

Hannah: They're creepy. They look like giant-eyed fluffy mimes. Mimes that speak.
Me: We all look like mimes that speak.
Hannah: They're black and white and stripey, like a stereotypical French mime. And waving their arms around like they're trying to do some sort of dance.

After challenging the effectiveness of the Atmospheric Density Jackets in the previous episode, she now questions the wisdom of removing them.

Hannah: If they're pressure suits, why are they taking them off? And Barbara's gone out without one anyway.

When Vicki gets a look at the Zarbi on the monitor, it confirms Hannah's belief that she "continues to be better than Susan."

Hannah: Susan would have screamed. It wouldn't have helped.

After getting another look at the Menoptra, a penny suddenly drops.

Hannah: I recognise that suit now! It was in the museum at the Doctor Who Experience. Is it a moth or a bee?
Me: Neither, it's a Menoptra.
Hannah: You said they weren't humanoid, but they've got arms.
Me: They still don't look like humans, do they? It's a giant bloody butterfly!
Hannah: Oh, and they speak English. I'm not surprised. I like their intonation and stilted voices though.

To Hannah, the image of the Doctor and Ian following the trail of the TARDIS looks very much like two drunks trying to stumble home from the pub ("Now he's thrown his coat on the floor! Littering on an alien planet"). The Zarbi are bringing it to a cave made from "very pretty screens" but we don't get to see it on the back of a giant ant, much to Hannah's chagrin.

Hannah: Looks like it's going through a car wash. Little fronds going to clean its windows.

The Zarbi can only communicate by rubbing their legs together to create a shrill chirping noise. Given that Hannah has been relentlessly criticising English-speaking aliens ever since we started watching the series, I'm hoping she'll be thrilled.

Me: Look, they don't speak English.
Hannah: Which doesn't make sense. Why does everybody else speak English and they don't? Either everyone should speak in their own native language, or everyone should speak English. You can't have half and half. The only places that should be speaking proper English are places on Earth from the late medieval period onward. Nowhere else should be speaking English on a completely alien planet!
Me: What about when they visit other planets in the future--
Hannah: That have been colonised by humans who speak English? Yes, that's acceptable!
Me: That's very gracious of you.
Hannah: But an alien planet that's never had any significant contact with humans should not be speaking English!
Me: Are you going to do this with every story?
Hannah: Yes! If the TARDIS is translating, it should be translating this.

She's infuriated even further when one of the Zarbi gains access to the TARDIS...

Hannah: No! Get out of the TARDIS! Nobody on the outside should be able to get in.

...but this is soon forgotten when the Zarbi immediately back out again and starts spinning wildly.

Hannah: (laughing) It's bigger on the inside! He's freaking out!

After the cliffhanger ("A thing! Oh, it's a little communicator lampshade"), she wonders what the Zarbi will do with the Menoptra they captured.

Hannah: Maybe they'll pull his wings off. That would be funny.
Me: You worry me.

Escape to Danger [Episode 3]

Hannah is visibly impressed when Vicki agrees to stay with the "angry ants" as collateral.

Hannah: She's so much more calm and level-headed than Susan.

Then we come to arguably the most infamous part of the story, as one of the Zarbi runs straight into the camera.

Hannah: (laughing) Did he just walk into the camera? That means they can hardly see out of those things at all!
Me: It's one of the all-time classic Doctor Who moments.
Hannah: Is it like the stormtrooper walking into the door in Star Wars?
Me: Exactly like that.
Hannah: It was at the very beginning of a shot. Why didn't they want to re-do that bit? It wouldn't have taken five seconds to go back and do it again. It doesn't even follow on anywhere.

She also points out that neither Vicki nor Barbara have complained about the fact that they can't breathe without the Atmospheric Density Jackets, an observation that somehow evolves into a discussion about the gravitational strength of Vortis.

Hannah: It must have a lower gravity, otherwise the Zarbi's exoskeletons would crush them. Even if they were as big as mice they'd be crushed under their own weight.

When Ian makes his escape, the Doctor assures Vicki that he's good at this sort of thing (or, in Hannah's words, "I constantly put him in bad situations and he hasn't died yet"), but this confidence appears to be misplaced when chaos ensues.

Hannah: There's just stuff everywhere! Everyone is running everywhere! There's ants going this way, a moth going that way, this thing got shot...

For the second time in this story, the Doctor makes a passing reference to his first aid kit. This is enough to convince Hannah that there's an ulterior motive at work here.

Hannah: Why is the first aid kit so important this time around? Maybe they received a complaint that no one is ever shown to actually get injured, so they've decided to write it into every single episode of this story. Or were they being sponsored?
Me: So you think parents were writing in and complaining that the show wasn't violent enough? I don't think you have much of a handle on the parent reactions to this programme.
Hannah: No, just complaining that it wasn't showing sound first aid principles.

As we reach the half-way point in this ambitious story, Hannah takes a moment to reflect on how successfully it meets those ambitions.

Hannah: I think it would be really good if it wasn't rubbish. It's very ambitious and I can see that they've tried really, really hard at making it nice and alien and all that, but it's poorly executed in some places and let down by all the shots of people in giant ant costumes shuffling across the ground and unable to see anything.

Crater of Needles [Episode 4]

Hannah: Is that the Crater of Needles? A flat area in a canyon with some bits sticking out?

In the crater, some imprisoned Menoptra are being put to work. Well, mostly.

Hannah: What's the one in the background doing? Having a dance?
Me: It wouldn't surprise me.

Beneath the planet's surface Ian discovers the Optera, subterranean descendants of the Menoptra.

Hannah: I didn't think there were any other species?
Me: They're not another species, strictly speaking.
Hannah: They're like froghoppers! The tiny little things that live in cuckoo spit. And they go ping! I like the way he jumps for emphasis. It's interesting that there's another species that's got nothing to do with the war. Oh, their little gestures!

Speaking of gestures...

Hannah: The Menoptra walk so silly. Look, she's prancing like a little horse, picking her feet up really high and running around saying "I will lead you!"

The ensuing battle scene between Menoptra and Zarbi involves everyone running around like insects at a picnic, and seems to be stirring up some harrowing memories for Hannah ("Flying insects," she groans).

Hannah: I don't see what they're achieving. There's some very nice cinematography of them flying around, but all of the fights seem really slow and silly because nobody can move in their costumes. No real sense of danger. Wow, the weapons really don't work.

There's no point in avoiding it any longer; it's time to talk about Roslyn De Winter.

Me: Do you notice anything interesting about the credits in this story?
Hannah: "Insect movement"? What, did they have some remote control--
Me: No, they actually got a choreographer for the Menoptra movements.
Hannah: What about all the rest? What about the people wearing ant costumes who look ridiculous and unconvincing?
Me: They just walk around.
Hannah: Rubbishly.
Me: But the movements of the Menoptra were actually choreographed. And their stilted voices, as well.
Hannah: I like it. I like the Menoptra mannerisms, they're curious and endearing and it makes them a more "alien" alien. Like you said, the idea is to make them as alien as possible and it works, they're a good alien. Unfortunately the Zarbi are absolute crap.

Invasion [Episode 5]

Hannah is finally starting to appreciate one of the Zarbi and even finds it cute, once the Doctor and Vicki manage to gain control of it and start treating it like a pet. Then she falls into the beginner's trap of trying to make some kind of sense of things.

Hannah: The science of this is very strange. He's controlling an ant wearing a necklace that's been switched off by waving his ring at him. Okay.

The chimney in the Temple of Light looks familiar to Hannah.

Hannah: The first thing that came to my head was a Viennetta but I don't know why. A chimney of Viennetta.
Me: Wow. You've got a nerve calling the science strange.

It's time to see if Hannah can spot the famous actor. Admittedly she may find it a little tricky to identify the completely unrecognisable person inside one of the Menoptra costumes, but I decide to try my luck.

Me: Do you recognise that actor?
Hannah: No! Why would I?
Me: It's Martin Jarvis.
Hannah: I don't know who that is.
Me: You've never listened to his readings of the Just William stories?
Hannah: No.
Me: Really? I'd have thought it would be exactly your kind of thing. His recordings are fantastic, we listened to them on long car journeys during every summer of my childhood. Except for one year when we listened to Willie Rushton reading the Asterix stories.

But another one of the Menoptra, Prapillus, does sound very familiar to Hannah. He reminds her of another actor and she can't put her finger on it, until...

Hannah: Is that thingy from Dad's Army? Your favourite one?
Me: Sergeant Wilson?
Hannah: I suppose you would know if it was him, though.
Me: No, it's not John Le Mesurier.
Hannah: It sounded like him. (pause) Didn't it?
Me: Er... a bit?
Hannah: And I'm not just saying this because I want to recognise someone. I just thought he sounded familiar.
Me: Well he played a giant bird in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so I suppose a giant butterfly isn't too much of a stretch. Not that he would have needed to dress up in a ridiculous costume for the radio.

Meanwhile, Ian is doing something to one of the Menoptra just out of frame.

Hannah: Um. What is he doing to her?
Me: What does it look like?
Hannah: I mean I don't want this in the blog, but it looks like he[REDACTED].
Me: Unfortunately it's not up to you what goes in the blog, is it?
Hannah: Yes it is!

Hannah finds it rather tedious that Barbara and her Menoptra friends have literally spent an entire episode discussing warfare tactics.

Hannah: All this standing around and planning. Just do it! Or did they realise there wasn't quite enough plot for six episodes and they needed to pad it out?
Me: Don't worry, you'll get used to it.

The Centre [Episode 6]

Hannah: I thought the Crater of Needles would be more needly and that we'd actually see more of it. They spoke about it so much during all the previous episodes, and then there was one distant picture of it and we saw people stumbling around throwing some seaweed into pools of acid and that was it. There were no needles and it wasn't very obvious that it was a crater. Disappointed in the follow-through.

The Doctor and Vicki are bound in a sticky white substance.

Hannah: Drowning in marshmallow. That looks really, really not nice. What did they hope to achieve by just walking in through the front door?

Ever the keen naturalist, Hannah takes a morbid fascination in a dead Menoptra.

Hannah: Aw. Look, they go all stiff, like when you find a dead insect. Like an upturned fly with its legs sticking out.

Meanwhile, in the tunnels below, Ian's idea of exploring the terrain is to start "poking at soft things" (in Hannah's words).

Hannah: Imagine if he found the Animus' waste pipe and pulled it out.
Me: Ew.

Thankfully the Animus is eventually defeated in a much less nauseating manner.

Hannah: I wanted to know more about the Animus. There are so many creatures that I really want to see again in later stories, and you won't tell me if they will be or not.
Me: If there's anything you want to see again, just read some novels or listen to the audio dramas. Pretty much anything that turns up in the television series will reappear in other media at some point, there's a sequel to practically every story element you can think of.
Hannah: Not the same.
Me: No, it's often much better.

With harmony restored to Vortis, the liberated Menoptra and Zarbi are celebrating but Hannah seems to be lacking empathy.

Hannah: "What was your breakout acting role?" "Idiot jumping."

The Optera are having trouble adjusting to their new life on the surface; the Menoptra advise them to be strong and they'll gradually acclimatise.

Hannah: Photosensitivity! You can't just say "be strong". That's not how evolution works.
Me: Was it evolution or devolution?
Hannah: Evolution is random genetic changes. There's no such thing as devolution.
Me: Try telling that to the Scottish Parliament.
Hannah: Speaking of evolution, why do the gun creatures even exist?

When the Doctor and Ian enter the TARDIS and wait for Barbara and Vicki to join them, Hannah is suddenly struck by the real-world absurdity of this.

Hannah: (laughing) I love that the actors are just stood in a box, waiting for the others to come and quietly stand in the box with them.

With the story finally over, the only thing that remains is to drop another bombshell.

Me: This story has the highest average audience figure of any Hartnell story.
Hannah: Why? Did they really advertise it or something? Or did everyone watch the first one and then told their friends "you need to watch the rest of this story"?
Me: It was the first story to have a promotional trailer. And there were only three channels in those days, so maybe there wasn't much competition on the other two.
Hannah: True. Maybe what was on the other side was really boring for that six-week period. Maybe the snooker was finished or something. Snooker in black and white sounds absolutely stupid.

"And for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."

The Score

Hannah: Good. Would watch again.
Me: You'd be watching on your own.
Hannah: Well, I liked it. You said that it was their attempt to do something striking and special and really try to get the alien element into it, and I think they've done that. Unfortunately some of it didn't work, which is sad. I loved the Menoptra and the Optera, they were cute and weird. If they'd somehow managed to make the costumes just as visually striking but also allow them to actually do some acting and move properly in them, then it would have been amazing and I'd have given it 10 out of 10.

I almost choked on my tea at this point.

Hannah: So... good story, beautiful presentation, amazing aliens, rubbish physical acting, bad choreography of the fight scenes and a little bit too much talking in places. I'm genuinely having trouble scoring this because I want to love it, but at the same time it's a little bit rubbish. It's like your child has made you a painting, but it's shit. There's too much wrong with it to score very high, but too much endearing about it to score very low.
Me: You could split the difference and call it 2.
Hannah: I'd give the Menoptra an 11 out of 10, but I'd give the execution of the story...

6/10