The Crusade

The Lion [Episode 1]

Hannah: Ah, Turks. Are they going to visit the Ottoman Empire? Another period of history I know nothing about.
Me: How do you know they're Turks?
Hannah: I thought that style of helmet was from the Ottoman Empire. I could be wrong. Like I said, I know nothing.

They're actually Saracens, and we're in 12th century Jaffa. When Richard the Lionheart turns up, she manages to get her historical bearings.

Hannah: Ah, I see. So they're getting mixed up in the Crusades!
Me: So it would seem.
Hannah: It's a shame they didn't go and see Robin Hood instead.
Me: You'll have to wait for Peter Capaldi to do that.

A noise can be heard off-camera.

Hannah: Who's smashing those bits of metal around?
Me: It's a sword fight.
Hannah: It's more like an impatient child banging cutlery together.

When Ian inevitably ends up getting involved, the fight choreography is so convincing that Hannah is surprised to feel a genuine sense of peril for a change.

Hannah: He's actually fighting for his life.
Me: He's a man of many talents.
Hannah: Well, he had some training with the Aztecs. And he probably learnt a bit as a gladiator.

She's less appreciative when he's lying on the ground and manages to dodge a sword aimed at his head.

Hannah: (laughing derisively) No.
Me: No?
Hannah: If someone was swinging for your head, just moving your head to one side wouldn't stop them. They'd still be able to cut your head off.

She can open a champagne bottle with a sword, so I'll take her word for it.

Hannah: And a one-handed throw like that wouldn't be enough to pierce your sternum, you'd be very lucky to get in between the ribs.

Down in the city, the Doctor distracts a merchant while Vicki lifts some clothes from his stall. Hannah doesn't know what to make of this behaviour, nor is she convinced by the Doctor's rationale that the clothes on the market stall were originally stolen in the first place.

Hannah: Does that make it morally right then? The Doctor can't steal, but apparently if he's stealing stolen goods then it's fine.
Me: For the last time...
Hannah: I know, I know, David Tennant stole money from a cash machine. But they're writing a justification into it this time.

When Barbara starts telling Saladin about her recent adventures (because why wouldn't you tell a 12th century sultan about a planet full of giant insects?), he takes her to be a travelling player. Hannah finds this unprecedented bit of lateral thinking rather refreshing.

Hannah: That's quite a good idea. He doesn't instantly assume they must be time travellers.
Me: Why would he?
Hannah: The astronauts did at the beginning of The Sensorites.
Me: Yes, but they were from the 28th century and he's from the Middle Ages.
Hannah: I like how his first thought is that it sounds like a perfectly good explanation for an actor. This story seems to be well-written and well-acted, and even the fight scenes have been pretty alright. I'm optimistic.
Me: And what do you think of his blackface?
Hannah: Because it's black and white it's hard to tell, but I did think that was the case. I want to know what colour he was in colour.
Me: What?
Hannah: It's filmed in black and white, so he could be painted anything to appear that shade. I want to know what colour he was painted. Is it just a heavy tan?
Me: As far as I know it was just normal blackface. I don't suppose he was painted purple or anything.

Meanwhile, King Richard suspects that his brother John is planning to usurp the crown in his absence.

Hannah: With the help of a snake.
Me: I think that's just the Disney version.

Saladin, ostensibly the villain of the piece, has been honourable and sincere throughout the episode so Hannah's moral compass isn't sure what to make of Richard's refusal to help our heroes.

Hannah: I'm starting to see the shades of grey here... even though Saladin is keeping Barbara prisoner and everything, you kind of think maybe he's the slightly nicer guy because he's treating everyone so well. Is Julian Glover someone I should know? I recognise the name.
Me: He's been in tons of things, including films in the Star Wars, Indiana Jones and James Bond franchises, but you most likely recognise him from Game of Thrones. Or possibly as the voice of the giant spider in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The Knight of Jaffa [Episode 2]

Hannah: Mmmm. Now those are some moustaches.

Hannah's attitude towards King Richard isn't helped by his dining etiquette.

Hannah: It's very rude to talk while eating.
Me: He's the king, he can do whatever he likes. I expect Charles will do that.

I don't tend to point out every single recurring actor in the series but sometimes I have to make an exception. Today that exception is Gábor Baraker, playing the merchant Luigi.

Me: Remember Wang-Lo from Marco Polo?
Hannah: Is it the same actor?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: Is he the one with the horrendously horrible racist accent?
Me: That's the one.
Hannah: I see.

When Ian kneels before the king...

Hannah: He's getting knighted by a king! I hope his hand doesn't slip.

...and arises as Sir Ian, knight of Jaffa, Hannah seems genuinely touched.

Hannah: Aw!

Half the story is missing (episodes 2 and 4 to be exact), so for the first time in a while we're forced to watch more reconstructions. The scene in which the Doctor deals with the matter of the stolen clothes is very confusing, and the lack of moving footage doesn't help in the slightest.

Hannah: So the Doctor got the chamberlain to pay the merchant back for stuff that was stolen from him? That doesn't make any sense at all.

As the episode ends ("I hear chickens!"), Hannah muses on what she's seen so far. Including the bits she hasn't actually seen.

Hannah: It's okay. It seems to be better constructed than some of the other ones. Better than the Mothra shuffling around anyway, it's got people doing people things and they're actually able to move around and fight each other a bit.
Me: Mothra is the giant moth from the Godzilla franchise. Anyway, you like aliens.
Hannah: I love aliens. I don't like aliens that are rubbish and can barely walk on the set.
Me: I thought you liked the Menoptra?
Hannah: I did, but I didn't like the ants. They were rubbish. Cute, but rubbish.

The Wheel of Fortune [Episode 3]

Barbara is accosted by a stranger and decides to take her chances with him rather than deal with her pursuers, much to Hannah's disbelief.

Hannah: Why does she trust him?
Me: She hasn't got a lot of choice.
Hannah: These guards are rubbish. Why does no one ever actually look round corners? And how can they strangle someone that quietly? It's not quick.

On the Doctor's instructions, Vicki is pretending to be a boy; Hannah is hard-pressed to think of a reason for this particular strategy, and to be honest I have no idea either.

Hannah: I can see her boobs. It's not a very good disguise.

The king's sister Joanna tells the Doctor "there's something new in you, yet something older than the sky itself." It's arguably the best line in the whole story and I'm glad to see how much Hannah appreciates it.

Hannah: I like that. He seems like an old man, but somewhere deep underneath he's a different species and can see all of time and space.

When Vicki's ruse is uncovered, the chamberlain is completely bewildered. He's not the only one.

Hannah: They thought it was more believable that she was a boy? Even though she's got boobs and she's quite old for someone whose voice hasn't broken. How old is Vicki?
Me: They didn't give her an age in the series. All we know is that she's a teenager.
Hannah: That's very vague, that's all the way from 13 to 19.
Me: You don't say.

The story gets a great deal more disturbing when Haroun leaves Barbara and his daughter hiding in his house; he gives Barbara a knife so that she can kill them both if the soldiers are likely to find them. The subtext is uncomfortably clear.

Hannah: This is dark!
Me: Yep. Not for kids, is it?
Hannah: "Kill my daughter and yourself before the men take you away to be raped."
Me: You wouldn't get that in Thunderbirds.

Speaking of ethical conundrums, the king wants to marry his sister off to Saphadin in the name of peace. It's obvious whose side Hannah is on.

Hannah: Why don't you do it? Why don't you marry him?

But when the argument is over, she takes a more diplomatic view of things.

Hannah: I mean, I like the idea of peace but I also quite like feminism, the idea of a woman being able to choose her own fate.
Me: Even if it prolongs a war and leads to the mass slaughter of many people?
Hannah: It's difficult.

When we return to Saladin, she's relieved to find that one of the more distasteful elements of this production has seemingly been abandoned. Maybe.

Hannah: Oh, did they not do blackface this time round? Did people complain?
Me: I think they have, haven't they?
Hannah: It's nowhere near as dark as it was.
Me: Maybe they ran out of boot polish.

Nevertheless, she continues to find his principles very refreshing.

Hannah: He's relatively honourable, he's not being portrayed as a stereotypical villain or a horrible barbarian.

When the guards show up and notice the crockery is still warm, Hannah is pleased to see some intelligent lackeys for a change. Any goodwill towards them quickly evaporates when they casually knock over some pots ("Well that was just unnecessary") and steal some bread, although I don't think this is the kind of worst-case scenario Haroun had in mind when he gave Barbara the knife.

Me: It would be interesting if Barbara actually killed his daughter though, wouldn't it? In terms of drama, I mean.
Hannah: It would be really... big.

I suppose that's about as much endorsement as I was expecting.

Hannah: Is Ian on holiday?
Me: Look, he's there.
Hannah: But he's only in this one scene and it's outdoors, so it's pre-filmed, right?

She's getting very good at this.

Elsewhere the Doctor is in trouble with the king, and it's the Earl of Leicester's fault.

Hannah: Goddamn Leicester. I thought I liked your cheese.

The Warlords [Episode 4]

Hannah: Oh no. He's going to get sunburn out there.

Ian has been tied down in the desert, and is being confronted with ants for the second time in as many stories. Hannah thinks his antagonist has a way with words...

Hannah: "I am cursed with the affliction of disbelief." I like that. Poetic.

...but she's less keen on the way he says it.

Hannah: Is he mad, or are they mocking Arabic speaking?

Barbara is now being hidden from El Akir by the girls in his harem, until one of them gives her away (or, as Hannah observes, "she's betraying all of her harem sisters for a ring"). This clearly touches a nerve, and when the other women take revenge on the traitor she seems downright bloodthirsty.

Hannah: So they rip her apart? I like it.

The Score

Hannah: It was interesting... no, it wasn't. The story wasn't that interesting. It was witty, it was well-written, the fighting was actually decent this time, but it was a bit boring. A little bit. I'm hoping it wasn't just because episodes were missing, it's always difficult when there's a few missing and you can't see a lot of the action. But there are so many different elements, it could have been better as a longer story and expanded upon.
Me: If you'd like it better as a longer story, we do have a copy of the novelisation.
Hannah: It wasn't bad at all, it just didn't impact me as much as it could have done. But I like it. I just don't love it. I don't want to be harsh, but I'm only going to give it...

6/10