The Tomb of the Cybermen

Episode 1

Hannah: This is very atmospheric. Whistly wind, flashing lights...
Me: This is still Skaro. We're not staying.

The Doctor welcomes Victoria aboard the TARDIS, handily summarising the premise of the show as he does so.

Hannah: Is that the first time he's ever said how old he is?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: So he's already 450 years old... but why did she ask how old he was in the first place? "If you travel through time and space, how old are you?" That's a silly thing to ask; why would that matter? If he travels through time and space, he can still do that in a human lifespan because he can chop and change and go all over the place. What an odd question.
Me: It was a bit of a non sequitur, I'll grant you.
Hannah: "You've lived in loads of different countries; what colour is your hair?" But it's interesting that we finally found out how old he is. Maybe they wanted to shoehorn it in, for a reason that comes up later in the episode.
Me: I think it's more that they're trying to appeal to American audiences now; they're giving us a recap of what the TARDIS is and what it can do, and this opening scene is shot on film instead of videotape.
Hannah: They also could have done a text card saying "The Doctor travels around with people."
Me: Like Star Wars?
Hannah: Yeah, exactly. A scrolling intro. But I like the way they did it, except that it was a bit of a random question.
Me: Are you going to be keeping track of his age all through the series?
Hannah: I'll try, but even he doesn't keep track of his own age.
Me: No, it's definitely not consistent.
Hannah: Is that because the writers aren't consistent, or it's part of the Doctor's character that he doesn't really know and he doesn't really care?
Me: I'll leave you to make up your own mind as the series goes on.

We join a group of explorers, who are on an expedition to find the last remains of the Cybermen in the lost city on the planet Telos. It doesn't take long for Hannah to realise what's going on here.

Hannah: (wearily) Are they archaeologists?
Me: Yes, I thought you'd appreciate this.
Hannah: Archaeologists who use dynamite. We'll have to see.
Me: You don't seem particularly surprised to see them.
Hannah: Well, the sixties was the height of the archaeological revival.
Me: This is basically a Doctor Who version of all those "archaeologists excavating a cursed mummy's tomb" stories.
Hannah: Except that it's a Cyberman's tomb. I suppose it's like historians who research the Nazis because they're a such a big part of history, but at least with the Nazis you can't bring them back to life and have them kill more people.
Me: Not yet, no. Either way, I thought your background might come in handy here.
Hannah: Oh god, that guy's haircut! Is that a widow's peak?

Her first impressions of these tomb raiders aren't very favourable.

Hannah: The acting is awful! You know what I'm getting? Star Trek flashes. (American accent) "We're running around on a planet, Jim, with guns in our hands, walking through a wasteland."

After the Doctor has deactivated the electrified doors, it's up to Toberman to open them. Having just watched The Evil of the Daleks, the presence of an almost-mute giant black strongman feels more than a little repetitive.

Hannah: It's another strong Kemel man; he's not speaking and he's just being told what to do. Yeah, you shift that polystyrene.

Once inside, everyone fans out like children on a school trip and starts exploring the central chamber.

Hannah: Why is everyone touching everything?! I think people who tend to be archaeologists don't walk around touching everything.

In fact, everything about their methodology is wrong.

Hannah: They say everything has to be "carefully measured and recorded" and all they've got is a piece of paper and a pen.
Me: What would you suggest?
Hannah: Well, it depends what kind of recording you want to do. You can geolocate things, or you can use tape-measures and plumb-lines, or you can do laser scanning.
Me: I really thought you were going to say that they could use a camera.
Hannah: Yes, or they take a picture of it! But then you don't get any 3D information unless you're doing 3D tomography; you've got to record what it looks like, but also where everything is. You can't just walk in and write a few things down on a piece of paper.

Eventually, one of the explorers finally has enough presence of mind to remind the others that "the first rule of archaeological work is that nothing must be touched until it's been described and recorded."

Hannah: But--
Me: Are you happy now?
Hannah: But everyone is just walking around the front entrance touching everything! Walking up the steps. They even blew the bloody thing open! They opened the doors without recording the doors! It's all very well saying that now.
Me: I really wish our blog readers could hear the level of exasperation in your voice.
Hannah: Why aren't we doing a podcast?

Victoria finds a big googly-eyed metal silverfish, which the Doctor identifies as a Cybermat.

Hannah: (laughing) What is that?
Me: Don't you remember them? They turn up again in the Matt Smith era.
Hannah: No! I remember the name. What do they do, and why do they look so cute?

The cliffhanger, in which a fake Cyberman slides into view and shoots one of the party, doesn't seem to do much for Hannah either.

Hannah: Ooh, that is unfortunate. It's not a live one, though. It's on a stick.

Episode 2

Hannah: Death, back-stabbing, mystery, and archaeologists in the desert. I'm getting Murder on the Nile vibes from this.
Me: Before it was rediscovered in Hong Kong in 1992, this was the Holy Grail of missing stories; it had this monumental reputation as an amazing lost classic.
Hannah: I wish they'd left it buried. Bad archaeology and bad acting.
Me: Well, a lot of people agree with you that it doesn't live up to the hype. Imagine if you'd spent 25 years hearing people talk about this hugely atmospheric "greatest story ever" about Cybermen in tombs; probably nothing could have lived up to that kind of reputation. But there are still a lot of people who consider it one of the best stories ever.
Hannah: I'm not saying it's bad, it's just... not great.
Me: When Matt Smith was cast, he didn't know very much about Doctor Who so he went back and watched some of the older ones; Patrick Troughton immediately became his favourite, as well as the one that most inspired his own Doctor, hence the bow-tie. Anyway, this is the story that struck the biggest chord with him; he absolutely loved it.
Hannah: Ah, interesting.

Before we rejoin the story, Hannah has some questions about Cyberman lore. Maybe she just wants to delay watching it for as long as possible.

Hannah: Is Telos a planet?
Me: Well, they call it "the city of Telos" here so it's a bit ambiguous, but yes, it's later confirmed as a planet.
Hannah: What's the difference between Telos and Mondas?
Me: Mondas is their home; Telos is the planet they occupied after Mondas was destroyed in The Tenth Planet.

The Doctor offers Jamie and Victoria the opportunity to sit this one out and wait in the TARDIS, but they decide to stick around.

Hannah: Because they've packed the TARDIS set away and don't want to get it out again until they have to.

The explorers discover an underground ice vault, with a honeycombed tomb full of dormant Cybermen.

Hannah: They're surrounded by tombs, and there's an opening device; I wonder what's going to happen! Odd that they use the word "tomb" rather than "stasis chamber". Why doesn't anybody want gloves or anything? And Jamie's still wearing his kilt. He's going to get frostbite on all kinds of things.

The Cybermen awaken and rise from their tombs. This is one of the most iconic sequences in the entire history of the show, and I turn to Hannah, expecting her to soak up the scene in reverent silence.

Hannah: They're having trouble getting out and stepping over the plastic. They're as wonky and ungraceful as a newborn deer.
Me: They've been dormant for thousands of years!
Hannah: I know. They're a little bit stiff.
Me: This is quite scary, don't you think?
Hannah: Well, yeah. You think "How many were there?", and the answer is "Oh, loads." You can't get out, and they're all in there with you. And they all seem to be fine, no damage from storage.

This may not be the level of engagement I was hoping for, but the scene where Victoria fends off an attack from a Cybermat doesn't even manage to reach those lofty heights.

Hannah: What did it do? Can we go back? I missed it because I was looking at the display on the DVD player to see how much time was left.

The reactivated Cybermen open their leader's chamber at the bottom of the tomb, like the big door on an advent calendar.

Hannah: There's the Cyber-Commander or whatever he is.
Me: Cyber-Controller.

He emerges from the tomb and announces to the humans that "you shall be like us".

Hannah: They haven't changed.
Me: What, you thought they might have mellowed a bit?
Hannah: No, I wasn't expecting anything else. "Good morning; would you like a box on your chest?"

Episode 3

I agree to switch on the DVD subtitles for the first scene so that Hannah can understand what the Cybermen are saying, but for some reason she's still not happy with the Controller. Maybe it's the large transparent dome on his head containing his exposed organic brain.

Hannah: This is awful.
Me: Why?
Hannah: It just looks awful.

One of the Cybermen lifts Toberman over its head and throws him into a pile of barrels.

Hannah: Wow. That is such an obvious harness, it hurts. This is awful! Who directed this? I don't even care.
Me: Douglas Camfield.
Hannah: Really?!
Me: No. It's Morris Barry.
Hannah: Like I said, I don't really care about the name, I just want to know who he is. Apart from blind, deaf and incompetent.
Me: That's a bit mean.
Hannah: The acting is awful, the directing is awful, and the production is... well, it's alright.
Me: He also directed The Moonbase.
Hannah: The Moonbase wasn't bad. Okay, well maybe it's not the direction, but... I really think it is. The acting is bad, where they're standing is bad, the way that they interact with each other is bad, and having a full-on shot of the harness... it's not smooth in the slightest.

A Cyberman grabs the Doctor's leg as he scrambles out of the hatch, but Victoria hits the Cyberman's arm with a thermos until it lets go.

Hannah: This is so shit.

Luckily, we come to this story's trump card: a quiet scene with a beautiful heartwarming  exchange between the Doctor and Victoria.

Hannah: Very touching.
Me: It's such a lovely scene.
Hannah: It's like a six-month review. "Are you happy in your current position? How do you feel it's going so far with the team?" A little one-to-one catch-up.

But it's not long before the group are confronted with a swarm of Cybermats.

Hannah: Can you get remote control ones?
Me: That might be a bit niche.
Hannah: You've been to Forbidden Planet, right?
Me: You know I have; you were there when I bought that Sonic the Hedgehog mug. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted by the Ecco the Dolphin t-shirt.
Hannah: I had pet Triops that looked like Cybermats.
Me: You kept Triops as pets?
Hannah: Yeah. Sea monkeys are boring.
Me: What makes Triops less boring than sea monkeys?
Hannah: Sea monkeys are tiny; Triops are about the size of your thumb. You can watch them eat and play.

The Doctor generates an electrical field to deal with the Cybermats, giving them a "complete metal breakdown." Jamie groans.

Hannah: Funny, but he shouldn't understand the joke.

Episode 4

Hannah's reaction to Kaftan's death is about as appreciative as you'd expect.

Hannah: That was all really stupid. That was a really shit death. Why is all of this so rubbish?

I genuinely haven't seen her display this kind of anger towards any episode of Doctor Who since The Edge of Destruction.

Hannah: I've had a horrible thought.
Me: Yes?
Hannah: Maybe I like so many of the missing episodes because I can't see that they're rubbish.

This time it's Toberman's turn to lift the Controller over his head and throw him around. It's only an empty Cyberman costume, but as far as Hannah's concerned it's more convincing than the harness.

Hannah: Now that's a good effect.

In fact, some of the effects are a little too good and she's fairly disturbed by the sight of a dying Cyberman with its frothing innards oozing out of its chest unit. The explorers' ship has now been repaired ("That was a quick 72 hours"), and once all the survivors are safely outside, the Doctor re-seals the tomb doors; just for good measure, he also rigs them with enough electricity to give a fatal shock to whichever expedition turns up next 

Hannah: Just leave a note on the door this time. "Don't wake the Cybermen up, we will all die. They trick us a lot."

The Doctor says goodbye to the two remaining explorers that haven't been killed, and our heroes are on their way back to the TARDIS.

Hannah: What happened to the Cybermat? There was a Cybermat outside. There it is! Trundle trundle through the sand. Draggy draggy tail. And the electricity has reactivated his Cyberman-ness. Cybermanity. It's a Cyber Manatee! Or maybe it's a Robot Dugong.
Me: See, this is why we're not doing a podcast.

The Score

Hannah: Right. I like archaeologists, and I like finding out about Cybermen...
Me: Ah yes, your two main hobbies.
Hannah: But there was very little archaeology in it, and even what they claimed to be archaeology wasn't archaeology, so it was disappointing. I like the idea that the Cybermen weren't the main villain; they were just doing what they do, and then somebody else is there to stab their own entire species in the back by co-operating with aliens that want to alter us. I also like how the whole place is just one big testing school to see whether or not they're clever enough to open up the hatch; that's a good premise, but the execution of the entire thing was just awful. Bad acting, bad positioning, bad movement, bad editing! Usually it flows a bit better than this. It might be because we've had so many missing episodes recently; you can't see all these things in stills, so maybe I'm being overly critical, but this was rubbish. And Toberman, or whatever his name was; it feels like they re-used the Kemel character. He's a big strong man who doesn't speak much, who's being told what to do and then dies while they're all trying to get away. And the deaths were awful. Cybermats were cute, although I still don't understand the name. Anyway, lots of interesting concepts and I wish it could have been awesome; however, I find it atrocious.
Me: Any positives?
Hannah: Victoria's good, we get to see a lot of her development. I like the fact that she's a little bit scared, but she's not a wuss. Jamie has grown a lot, too; he's comfortable enough to answer back to the Doctor now. I really like his cheek and wit, and he's a great balance for the Doctor. I hope he's not leaving the series anytime soon; I don't want him to go. So yeah, there's some good script in it, but the story was just a shambles.

4/10

Hannah: What do you think?
Me: I'd probably give it a 9, to be honest.
Hannah: Really?
Me: I love it.
Hannah: Really?!
Me: It's always been one of my favourites.
Hannah: Sorry.
Me: No, it's alright.