Inferno

Episode 1

So far, Hannah's assessment of the Jon Pertwee era has been nothing if not consistent: all three stories have been awarded 7 out of 10. But will that change now that we've come to the most popular Pertwee adventure?

Hannah: I'm finding the Pertwee stuff a bit too gritty so far, compared to the previous ones. I appreciate seeing people behave more realistically, but it's not as fun or entertaining as I expect Doctor Who to be. I miss all his little quirks. I mean, it still could happen, but it's just not happening; all these stories are way more serious than before and don't have those quirky bits in them, and I miss it.

The story title appears over footage of an erupting volcano. It's definitely the most dramatic title card we've ever had, but even this striking image isn't enough to distract Hannah from the important questions.

Hannah: I love a bit of magma. Oh, a single-word title! How many single words have we had?
Me: It depends on whether you count the individual episode titles from the Hartnell episodes, because there were a handful of those. Funnily enough, the final episode of The Romans was actually called "Inferno".
Hannah: That's silly, then. What about actual story titles, though? Is this the first?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: See? I know these things.

For the third time in as many stories, we find the Doctor entering a high-tech installation containing a major government project.

Me: I don't suppose this area looks familiar?
Hannah: It looks a lot like Dungeness, because it's all flat and there's a nuclear power plant there. But it's also got loads of stuff that's not in Dungeness.
Me: No, it's somewhere else in Kent. But it's funny you should say that, because Dungeness Power Station will actually be turning up in a couple of weeks.
Hannah: So where's this one, exactly?
Me: Hoo St Werburgh.
Hannah: That's the wrong bit of Kent; it's the north bit, and my family lives in the south.
Me: So much for my background research.

This being a Doctor Who story, there's trouble afoot; one of the workers discovers some green slime and apparently can't resist touching it with his bare hands, much to Hannah's consternation ("Don't touch the green ooze, you idiot! Have you never seen sci-fi?").

Hannah: So it's another place where they're doing a drilling operation and there's some kind of creature that's come up a pipe and taking over people. This is just like Fury from the Deep.

Just as he's about to crack a man's head open with a wrench, we cut to Sergeant Benton hammering a nail into a wall.

Hannah: That's a very nice cut.
Me: Would you care to hazard a guess at the director?
Hannah: Is this Camfield?
Me: Of course it is.
Hannah: He does have good ideas.

Sir Keith has sent for a drilling consultant, Greg Sutton, to lend some expertise.

Hannah: They've already started the project, they're twenty-two miles down, and now they've brought in someone who know how to drill? If you need someone to troubleshoot or predict difficulties, get him there from the beginning.

Sutton takes an instant shine to Professor Stahlman's assistant Petra, delivering classic pick-up lines like "Perhaps I could borrow you for a bit?" and feeling a bit miffed when she rejects his advances.

Hannah: Maybe you deserve it, you chauvinist pig.
Me: Remember when we watched The Invasion, and you recognised Sheila Dunn's name in the credits?
Hannah: Is that her?
Me: Yep, it's the director's wife.
Hannah: She looks like a member of ABBA. I wonder if she got the part without having to audition? Maybe she had a private audition.
Me: Stop winking at me like that. You're not Sid James.

Sir Keith introduces Sutton to the Doctor and Professor Stahlman. Once Hannah has gotten over the fact that nobody is shaking hands, she turns her attention to their hiring policies.

Hannah: So they've just randomly allowed the Doctor to take part in this operation? He's got no credentials whatsoever; he's just some bloke who turns up everywhere and asks if he can join in! It's like coming up to the sandbox and saying "Can I play?" and someone gives him a spade and says "Yes, you can build sandcastles with me." And everyone's okay with him not having a name.

She's much more impressed with the outside scenery seen through Bessie's garage door.

Hannah: I can see that they've done the thingy again.
Me: CSO?
Hannah: Yes. But only just; that was really good. Why is there a canister of radioactive material in the corner of the room?

We discover the real reason for the Doctor's interest in the drilling project: he's secretly diverting nuclear power from the operation in an attempt to jump-start the TARDIS console.

Hannah: That's sneaky. Doesn't the TARDIS have its own power source?
Me: It doesn't work! The Time Lords deactivated it.
Hannah: I thought it would still have power, though? I didn't think they'd switched it off completely, just turned off one of the control circuits. It's a very complicated piece of semi-sentient machinery, you can't just switch it off. I don't see how it needs energy.

The first trial run doesn't quite go according to plan.

Hannah: Why doesn't he just wait until his punishment's over?
Me: What if that takes hundreds of years?
Hannah: He should know better than to be playing around with this kind of thing.

Sutton tries to stop Petra from risking her life to check a fault with the drill head, but he loses gentleman points for doing it in the most condescending way possible.

Hannah: I don't like him. This is so annoying; he's just being a dick because she's a woman, but at the same time it's an emergency situation and she's running around trying to keep her hair behind her ears and pull her skirt down while she's running. Obviously there's nothing wrong with being pretty and clever...
Me: I do my best.
Hannah: ...but it's just annoying that they've had to write her that way. If there was an emergency I wouldn't be trying to hold my skirt down. I wouldn't be wearing a miniskirt anyway, but that's besides the point.

When the episode ends and the DVD returns to the menu screen, Hannah observes that the episode selection screen has a second page.

Hannah: How many episodes are there?
Me: Ah, yes. About that...

It's time for me to come clean and tell Hannah that this is our third seven-part story in a row.

Me: There are four stories in the season, but three of them are longer than usual so that the budget can be stretched further by using the same sets across more episodes.
Hannah: Fair enough, but it means that there's not a lot of variety.
Me: It's only for this season. After this story, the stories will go back to being a bit shorter. Actually, this is the last seven-part story ever.
Hannah: Aw. But does that mean there might be a longer one?
Me: Well, that's a bit of a grey area. We can have a chat about it when we reach 1986...
Hannah: Okay, whatever.

Episode 2

As the body count starts racking up and Stahlman decides it's none of his concern, Hannah finds herself tiring of the archetypal Head-in-the-Sand Executive character. (And God help us, it's only the fourth story of the Pertwee era!)

Hannah: These stubborn "idiots in charge" are getting on my nerves; I'm sick of all these important establishments giving total authority to people with a very skewed idea of what's actually important. It's one thing to have ambition and motivation, but it always seems to come with a huge ego and a senseless disregard for safety. Even some patience and a smidge of caution would be a huge improvement.

As if to prove Hannah's point, Stahlman picks up a vial of the green ooze and then discovers his hand has started to turn green.

Hannah: Oh no, he's turned into a hot Hulk.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Hannah: Not in a sexy way. Why is there a goo that makes people contagiously hot, anyway?

When he spitefully cuts off the power to the Doctor's hut, the Doctor surreptitiously re-connects it...

Hannah: Sneaky Doctor. So sneaky. But he's pushing his luck a little too far.

...and then goes off to find something better to do.

Hannah: I'm surprised the Doctor isn't focusing more on the murder incident; he's so distracted by the possibility of fixing the TARDIS that he's probably going to fail to act in time to prevent more deaths or a second major incident. I'm used to him being somewhat absent-minded but not so aloof as this, aware of trouble but not really interested in solving the problem. He doesn't have to fix the Earth's problems, but I thought he usually wanted to.

Despite the life-threatening danger at the complex, the Doctor is far more preoccupied with rejoining Liz and fixing the TARDIS.

Hannah: Is he teaching her how to fix the TARDIS? Is he actually teaching her Time Lord mechanics?
Me: How should I know? Maybe she's PAT testing.
Hannah: She identified broken parts and was able to replace them, so either you can use standard Earth parts in the machinery or he's got a stock-pile of Time Lord bits lying around.
Me: Remember when we were talking about companions a little while ago, and you were saying that as far as you're concerned they're not a companion if they don't travel in the TARDIS?
Hannah: So, if Liz never travels in the TARDIS...
Me: Would you still consider her a companion?
Hannah: Yeah, I suppose so.

Whilst Liz is otherwise engaged, the Doctor fiddles with the console and disappears into thin air (along with Bessie, for no discernible reason).

Hannah: Oh, and the car? That's an interesting cliffhanger. Why did it take the car but not the bookcase?
Me: Any idea where he might have gone?
Hannah: Five seconds into the future. It's not like he can control it or anything. The story's called "Inferno" and one would assume that he needs to stay there and fix the problem. So unless there's a way for him to get back, he hasn't gone anywhere.

Episode 3

Me: Before we start, I need to tell you something.
Hannah: Is it that Pertwee died and they replaced him with his twin brother?
Me: Douglas Camfield had a heart attack. He'd already finished all the location filming, so that's all him, but the producer Barry Letts had to step in and finish off the studio work. He's working to Camfield's shooting plans, though.
Hannah: Does this mean it's not going to be as good?
Me: Not necessarily. He directed The Enemy of the World, and you gave that one 10 out of 10.
Hannah: So is this Camfield's last? Or does he recover and come back?
Me: He'll be back in the Tom Baker era.
Hannah: Good.

Liz tells the Brigadier and Sir Keith about the Doctor's disappearance.

Hannah: Do they take the whole episode to get him back? Has Jon Pertwee gone on holiday?
Me: They don't do that anymore.

Hannah's guess that the Doctor has ended up back where he started turns out to be correct. Well, nearly.

Hannah: Is he back in his hut?
Me: In a manner of speaking.
Hannah: Alternate universe?
Me: Could be.
Hannah: Or he's accidentally gone into the future, so he can see what terrible things are going to happen if you dig it all up and then he'll go back and tell them to stop drilling.

Technically, both of her theories are more or less correct; we're only two episodes into a seven-part story and she's already managed to broadly summarise the entire plot.

The Doctor finds himself in a world of fascist doppelgängers, and soon runs into the alternate reality version of Liz. When we get the dramatic reveal of the Brigade Leader, looking exactly like the Brigadier sans moustache and sporting a Nick Fury-style eyepatch, Hannah bursts out laughing.

Me: What's so funny?
Hannah: It looks like a comedic evil villain eyepatch! With a scar! He looks weird without the moustache and with his hair combed like that.

The line-up of UNIT's Bizarro World counterparts is rounded out with...

Hannah: Is that Benson?
Me: Benton.
Hannah: Oh, yeah. I'm thinking of Bensons for Beds.

When the Doctor insists that he doesn't belong in this universe, the Brigade Leader coldly replies "Then you won't feel the bullets when we shoot you."

Hannah: I want to see the making-of documentary for this. See if they enjoyed playing baddies.
Me: This is Nicholas Courtney's favourite story, for that exact reason. We can watch the documentary later.
Hannah: It's good when they get to have a go at doing something different. I love evil alternate universes; they're possibly a bit overdone and clichéd these days, but they're so much fun for the writers, actors and viewers.
Me: Speaking of the DVD special features, there's also one where Toby Hadoke reunites Havoc and they teach him how to be a stuntman.
Hannah: Awesome. We'll definitely be watching that.

Hannah is (understandably) confused as to how, in an alternate universe with at least thirty years of divergent history, the same drilling operation is still being run by the same people.

Hannah: Liz has a completely different background in this universe but she just happens to be in the same place at the same time, even though there's an entirely different regime? How would she have gotten involved with Lethbridge-Stewart? Obviously it's been written that way so that they can use the same actors, but Liz wasn't really interested in working for UNIT when she was first introduced; she only stayed because of the Doctor, and the Doctor doesn't exist in this universe so why would she have stayed? She's not even a scientist in this timeline, but somehow she still ended up with the same group of people. That's the only thing I find difficult; everything else is fine. I like the idea of parallel worlds being used as a prophecy, so that the Doctor knows that what goes wrong in this universe will soon happen in the other one.

Benton puts a gun to the Doctor's head and threatens to save him the trouble of making an appointment with the firing squad. Cue credits.

Hannah: Oh, everyone's only credited as their normal-world characters; they haven't done a "slash" and credited both characters. That's disappointing.
Me: Do you want to watch the next one straight away?
Hannah: Nah.

Episode 4

Not everyone in this reality has undergone a personality transplant; the parallel Greg Sutton may be more sharply-dressed, but he's just as blunt when speaking to Petra.

Hannah: You can dress him up in a suit, but he's still the same bloke.

Elsewhere, the Doctor is enduring a savage interrogation at the hands of the Brigade Leader and Parallel Liz.

Hannah: They're going to actually torture the Doctor?
Me: Unsettling, isn't it?
Hannah: And you've got the nice characters, the characters that you know so well, being somebody else and doing horrible things to their friend. It's quite striking. You can tell it's not for children anymore.

The Doctor tries to get Liz to accept his story ("I bet he can tell her something that only she knows"), but she believes that he's a political activist.

Hannah: I really thought she was actually going to believe him that time.
Me: Would you believe him?
Hannah: Well, if I'm me, I would, but if I was her, I wouldn't. I'd love to see what an evil version of the Doctor would be like. Not just an evil Time Lord, but an actual bad version of the Doctor. One of the Doctors, anyway.

We cut away to check in with what's happening back in the Doctor's universe, but Hannah is fixating on the special effects during the transition.

Hannah: Is that a blurry shot moving across some water?
Me: They're panning sideways, because it's a sideways universe.
Hannah: Yes, but what are they panning across?
Me: Well, it's... the limbo between dimensions, I suppose.
Hannah: It looks like glittery water.
Me: If you say so.
Hannah: Actually, now that I see it again, it's more like sequins. It's a disco ball.

The episode ends with the Doctor on the business end of a firearm again as the Inferno project counts down to zero.

Hannah: Very dramatic! I'm very sorry.
Me: What for?
Hannah: For not watching it yesterday.
Me: This is one of the most popular Pertwee stories, you know.
Hannah: I can see why. But those hairy hands are disgusting.

Episode 5

Hannah: This is much more interesting than just having a base where people are trying to do things; the parallel universe base is acting as a prediction of the other one. Now he's got to tell them twice that it's a bad idea, and get them to believe him. At least he's having a dry run for it.

In fact, this particular run has gone from dry to downright scorching; the Doctor tells everyone that the planet will soon dissolve due to the accumulated heat and pressure of the core, and it's already too late to stop it.

Hannah: Now I'm starting to wonder whether this entire reality is just buggered and the Doctor won't be able to help them; he's been in dire situations before and usually comes up with some kind of solution, but his solution often involves stopping people being stupid before it gets to this point. Seeing as how it's a parallel universe, I'm wondering if maybe they are just going to sacrifice everyone for the storytelling so that he can go back and save the other lot. It would be nice if he could save both of them.

The Doctor asks his doomed associates to cut their losses and help him return to his own universe so that he can stop the same thing happening there. Parallel-Liz asks him to give a demonstration of the inert TARDIS console before they waste their time finding a power source, but the Doctor scornfully retorts that he's not a conjurer.

Hannah: Well, yes, he is. He should do that little sleight-of-hand magic trick that he did in the last story.

Outside, Benton is putting some troops through their paces.

Hannah: Look, they're drilling!
Me: Yes, very amusing.

Meanwhile, we find Professor Stahlman having the mother of all bad hair days. Don't ask me how the green slime at the centre of the earth turns people into werewolves. It just does, okay?

Hannah: Why is it making people turn primal? How? Why? What's the purpose?
Me: I suppose they wanted to throw in a traditional monster for the kids.
Hannah: That doesn't explain anything!

Benton is taken by surprise and falls victim to the creatures, leaving Hannah unexpectedly distressed.

Hannah: No, not Benton!
Me: It's not Nice Benton, it's Nasty Benton.
Hannah: I don't care. It's still Benton.

Episode 6

Once Hannah has come to terms with the presence of the Primords, she begins to fixate on their bestial grunting.

Hannah: Interesting noises. How did they make these sound effects? It sounds like someone snorting on an electronic keyboard.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and his crew prepare to abandon the facility and make a break for it.

Hannah: I like it when he gets a little team together.
Me: Even when it's a team of fascists?
Hannah: Yeah. And a man with a pipe.

The exterior scenes, incidentally, are now being seen through an orange-tinted haze.

Hannah: That's a nice effect that they've done; everything's overexposed and hot. It really does feel like the end of days.

Back in the slightly less apocalyptic universe, Greg visits Liz in the Doctor's shed.

Hannah: I still can't believe that an automatic garage door is something so exciting for these people! We have so many automatic doors now that people don't even know how to use real doors. The other day there was a queue of people trying to get into the Westquay shopping centre because everyone was waiting to use the automatic doors, so I walked straight through the middle and opened the manual doors. What is wrong with people?

Meanwhile, as the other universe rapidly deteriorates, Parallel Liz wants to make herself useful.

Hannah: Make some tea. Isn't that usually what happens? Someone's got to make the tea, and it always seems to be the female companion.
Me: Do they really have time? It's the end of the world!
Hannah: Yes, I suppose you'd break out something a little stronger.

Confronted with imminent death, the Brigade Leader finally loses his temper.

Hannah: He really has gone crazy. That's definitely what Bad Brig would be like: useless in a crisis.

Greg and Petra rewire the nuclear reactor and make their way back to the hut, and the tension is turned up to eleven as we start building towards one of the programme's all-time greatest cliffhangers. Alas, Hannah is not watching as reverently as I'd hoped.

Hannah: Wait, hasn't the Doctor been using Bessie to get back and forth from the drilling project to the hut? How did they run back in ten seconds?
Me: Maybe it took longer and we didn't see it.
Hannah: What, so the TARDIS console has had power for a good couple of minutes, and the Doctor's just been stood there watching it?
Me: I don't know! It doesn't matter.
Hannah: It matters to me.
Me: It can matter to you later. Come on, this is a serious contender for the best cliffhanger ever to appear in Doctor Who.

As lava begins to flow towards them, the episode ends with the Doctor abandoning everyone to their fiery fate.

Hannah: That's very tense. Horrible screaming, people dying, that giant rolling wall of tomato soup...
Me: It's the actual end of the world. You don't get that in every story.
Hannah: It's very sad that he couldn't stop it for them. They're all going to die.
Me: Well, that's one of the benefits of parallel universe stories; you can actually destroy the world for once. This is what happens when the Doctor fails to save the planet.
Hannah: Yeah, they get to explore an avenue that they'd never usually be able to. It's still sad, though. And very convenient that it happens to be an alternate reality when we finally get the opportunity to see him fail.

Episode 7

Hannah: This is a wonderfully-crafted story so far. Acting, direction, storyline, most of the dialogue... it's all very good.
Me: Is anything conspicuous by its absence?
Hannah: Not really.
Me: You don't find it strange that there was no version of the Doctor in that parallel universe?
Hannah: No. The Doctor's been in a parallel universe before - well, later, in the David Tennant era - and there was no parallel Doctor, so I didn't think anything of it.
Me: Some spin-off novels have claimed that a parallel Doctor is the republic's totalitarian leader.
Hannah: And who wrote that? Is that accepted as canon, or is it just one random person's idea? It's just as likely that there's no Doctor in that universe, or he just never visits Earth.
Me: This is the last episode of season seven, by the way.
Hannah: Okay. Why is that relevant? I'm not going to do a season summary.

The Doctor arrives back in his own universe just in time to avoid being par-boiled in lava.

Hannah: All this time I've been thinking that the intro sequence was overly dramatic, and now it's actually happened.
Me: So you appreciate it more now?
Hannah: It's just a tiny part of the story, so I still think they're over-emphasising it a bit.
Me: It's quite an important part of the story!
Hannah: And why does the world explode into a giant ball of fire, anyway? There is a lot of lava down there, but there's only so much pressure; if there was enough pressure to push all that lava out through the crust, it would already be coming out through the world's volcanoes. I don't really see how it works.

Hannah watches in rapt attention as the Doctor tries to stop events hurtling towards the same inevitable conclusion, although his method largely involves shouting at Stahlman and whacking the console with a wrench.

Hannah: Yes, that'll convince everyone. Go psycho and start hitting things.

In all fairness, Stahlman seems to be taking a break from sanity himself.

Hannah: At this point everyone can see he's really not okay. Why don't they arrest him, or confine him for his own good; the military can do that, can't they? If someone's unfit to command, they take over. Just because someone's in charge it doesn't mean that they're right. In the other world they were all a lot more strict.
Me: Well, yes, it was a fascist regime. They tend to be fairly strict.

Stahlman studies the green goo dripping out of the drill head and decides it would look better all over his face. 

Hannah: Oh, that's just... is that really necessary? Smearing his face with jelly?

Just as Sir Keith demands proof of an emergency situation, a very hirsute Professor Stahlman emerges from the drill head.

Hannah: How about now? Is that proof?

The Doctor manages to convince everyone to halt the drilling operation before it penetrates the earth's crust, and manages to shut it down in the nick of time.

Hannah: But nobody else knows why they've done it! Their leader has gone crazy and turned into a werewolf, but there's no obvious reason to shut down the project except that the Doctor has told them it's a bad idea and some green stuff came out of one of the tubes. He hasn't actually told anyone that it's going to cause a massive chain reaction that will destroy the entire planet.

The story concludes with some comedy banter between the Doctor and the Brigadier, which elicits a satisfying grin from Hannah.

Hannah: It's always nice when they can have a bit of a laugh, even after something awful has happened.

The Score

If she makes any attempt to perpetrate a pun by using the word "boring," she's sleeping on the sofa tonight.

Hannah: Very good. I like it when they get to stretch themselves beyond what they normally do. Not every story is the same, but it's nice when they do something completely outside the box. It's always fun, even when it's such a tense situation.
Me: And you get to see the end of the world.
Hannah: Well, we saw some lava rolling towards them, and then the Doctor was gone. I suppose it would have been a bit much if he'd watched the flesh burning off their bodies.
Me: What a charming image.
Hannah: It's well-written, obviously well-directed, and it's got TARDIS bits; I miss the TARDIS. It just needed a bit more action and a bit less of everyone ignoring the Doctor over and over again. It gets a tad repetitive.

9/10

We finally get around to watching the DVD extras, including Hadoke v Havoc in which Toby Hadoke reunites the eponymous stunt team. Hannah is excited to see the boys in action, and a quick glimpse of Lymington into the bargain (one of our favourite places to have a cream tea, the most recent being two weeks ago). She's particularly impressed by Roy Scammell who, in addition to falling off 70-foot storage tanks and hanging on to moving helicopters, also turns out to be a professional ice skater.

Hannah: He's just amazing at everything, isn't he, the bastard?

The Ambassadors of Death

Episode 1

We only get halfway through the title sequence before we're thrown straight into the story with a scene showing a recovery mission at the Space Centre. Then the title sequence abruptly picks up right where it left off. To my surprise, Hannah isn't even remotely fazed by this.

Hannah: Oooh, a little pre-title thingy. That's the first time they've done a pre-title insert. And I recognise the writer's name.
Me: This is David Whitaker's last script for the series, but he also wrote The Edge of Destruction, The Rescue, The Crusade, The Power of the Daleks, The Evil of the Daleks, The Enemy of the World and The Wheel in Space.
Hannah: Hmmm. Mixed bag.
Me: You gave two of them a perfect score.
Hannah: Well, we'll see.

The recovery mission is overseen by Professor Cornish.

Me: Do you recognise this actor?
Hannah: Yes. I recognise his eyes. (after a pause) He's one of the Dominators.
Me: Wow. I'm very impressed.
Hannah: He has a very distinctive face.

Incredible. She didn't recognise Geoffrey Palmer last week, but she can identify Ronald Allen based solely on the memory of one black-and-white story that we watched two months ago. Anyway, the aim of the recovery mission is to retrieve a probe with three astronauts on board, which disappeared en route to Mars several months earlier.

Me: The story was only filmed about six months after the Moon landing, so space travel was still very exciting and topical at this point.
Hannah: I've just finished listening to the audiobook of The Martian, and it's pretty much exactly this. I wonder if Andy Weir got inspiration from this story.

The Doctor and Liz are tinkering with the TARDIS console.

Hannah: Ew. Wow.
Me: What?
Hannah: His decor.
Me: This isn't the TARDIS.
Hannah: It's got a console in the middle.
Me: It's a UNIT laboratory. He's removed the console and taken it out of the TARDIS.
Hannah: Okay, but it's still "wow, look at that decor." If this is UNIT headquarters, why has it got that lurid stained-glass window? The wallpaper's alright, and the imitation gas-lamp things aren't too bad, but that window sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, how did he get the console through the TARDIS doors?
Me: I can only assume he took it apart and then reassembled it outside.
Hannah: I suppose he's got a lot of time on his hands; he can't be running around saving the world from alien invasions every single day. He must get a bit bored.

The Doctor is attempting to reactivate the time vector generator, but only succeeds in sending Liz a few seconds into the future.

Hannah: It's nice to see the TARDIS again, after not being mentioned for a whole story. Is that time-hop trick going to be relevant to the plot, or was it just to remind people who the Doctor is, in case we've forgotten that he's not just a clever human with interesting social skills?

As the recovery capsule begins docking with Mars Probe 7, Hannah turns her attention to the soundtrack.

Hannah: This music is very odd.
Me: I think they were taking inspiration from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Hannah: I can imagine it playing in the background of a film where two people are walking down the streets of Paris, or something. Not trying to rescue an astronaut.
Me: Just be thankful there aren't any crumhorns or glockenspiels this week.

When the probe transmits a familiar signal to the Space Centre, the Doctor decides he'd better get down there. Luckily, it's not far.

Hannah: Oh, that's convenient.

It turns out the signal is being transmitted from London...

Hannah: Of course it's London.

...and the source of the transmission is only seven miles away.

Hannah: Oh, how convenient! How utterly convenient!

The Brigadier and his men arrive outside the location: an abandoned warehouse.

Hannah: Is this a famous building?
Me: No, but it is the same one that was used for the plastics factory in Spearhead from Space and Vaughn's factory in The Invasion.
Hannah: Ah, that's why I recognise it. This music is all over the place. Now it sounds like the theme tune for an exciting UNIT spin-off series.

It's not long before the situation escalates into an all-out gunfight.

Hannah: The Brig likes to shoot from the hip.
Me: You think this is a bad plan?
Hannah: No, I mean he's literally shooting from hip-level. It's a lot less accurate, and he's exposing the upper half of his body for no reason; he can't sight his gun or anything. If he's going to shoot so blindly, he might as well stay behind the crate and stick his hand over the top.

After a while, both sides leave their hiding places and the shootout turns into hand-to-hand combat.

Hannah: Why are they leaving their cover? They've all got guns, why are they having a slapping contest? This makes absolutely no sense at all.

The episode ends with Dr Taltalian unexpectedly pulling a gun on the Doctor and Liz.

Hannah: Oh! Who's a naughty professor scientist man?
Me: You've just missed something very important.

I rewind the cliffhanger to see if she notices.

Hannah: What is it?
Me: You know that sound effect over the cliffhanger? The musical sting when it transitions into the credits?
Hannah: The "sheeeeeeeeeooooowwwwwwww"?
Me: That's the one.
Hannah: It's at the end of every modern episode, isn't it? I recognised it, but I thought it was just Doctor Who music. Is this the first time it ever happens?
Me: Yes, it's supposed to make the cliffhangers more dramatic and exciting.
Hannah: It certainly works.

Speaking of firsts, there's another new addition to the credits.

Hannah: "Action by Havoc"?
Me: Havoc are the new stunt team, they were doing all the stunts in the warehouse shootout. One of them, Derek Martin, went on to become a regular in EastEnders.
Hannah: I was going to mention that the hand-to-hand combat is a lot better than it's been before. Except for the two guys who just slapped each other in the face.

Episode 2

Thanks to some simple "transmigration", the Doctor manages to make an entire reel of tape disappear.

Hannah: That's very handy. Why can't he do that trick at any other time?

As the recovery capsule returns to Earth, Professor Cornish tries to keep the mission running smoothly.

Hannah: He is a good actor.
Me: This story is doing him a lot more favours than The Dominators did. Not that it was a tough act to follow.
Hannah: I like the character, too; he's an authority figure who's level-headed and hard-working, which makes a nice change. He also looks awesome without giant shoulders.

The capsule re-enters Earth's atmosphere in a protracted sequence that makes Stanley Kubrick look like Michael Bay.

Hannah: There's a lot of procedural filler here. I know it's for suspense, but...
Me: It's less than a year since the Moon landing, remember? The current trend in films and TV is to make space travel look authentic and realistic.
Hannah: I know, but it's a bit boring if you're expecting an action-packed sci-fi show.

The capsule is retrieved and brought back to the Space Centre, but the police escort is attacked by men with alien weapons (or hairdryers, if you're Hannah). The Doctor manages to trap two of them by activating Bessie's "anti-theft" device and they stick to the car like insects on flypaper.

Hannah: How has he made it sticky?! That's very strange. Surely the anti-theft device should drive thieves away, not keep them holding onto it.

When the capsule is returned to the Space Centre, something is clearly very wrong and the Doctor demands that they cut the capsule open.

Hannah: So much intrigue! So many questions.

Episode 3

Professor Cornish doesn't waste any time sticking his head inside the newly-opened capsule.

Hannah: It's still hot! Don't touch metal that's literally just been cut with a blowtorch!

The craft is empty, and we learn that General Carrington has secretly detained the three astronauts. General Carrington, of course, is played by John Abineri, who has since become more well-known as the butler from the Ferrero Rocher advert.

Hannah: (after a pause) No, I wouldn't have recognised him if you hadn't told me. And I still don't recognise him! I don't even remember what the butler looked like in that advert, and you only showed it to me yesterday.
Me: He's been in Doctor Who before, but it's mildly amusing because the advert takes place at an ambassador's reception and now he's in The Ambassadors of Death. It's just a shame the chocolates are so nasty.
Hannah: My grandma loved them. She always remembered them, even when she couldn't remember most other things.

Carrington tells his scientist Heldorf that the astronauts have become dependent on radiation in order to survive, but Hannah doesn't seem to agree with this analysis, judging from the way she keeps muttering "Bollocks" under her breath. The astronauts are abducted by a criminal called Reegan, a ruthless bastard who indirectly kills his henchmen in the process and buries their bodies in a gravel pit.

Hannah: I like this music. It doesn't fit with the baddies escaping with the astronauts, but it's nice.

Oh, and he has a magic van that can conveniently change its appearance.

Hannah: That's clever, I like that.

Reegan lures Liz down to Hertfordshire with a false message from the Brigadier. This means she gets to drive Bessie for once, but it makes her an easy target in the car chase that follows.

Hannah: It's such a distinctive car. Why would anyone ever think that they could travel undercover in it? And why did she get out when they overtook and stopped in front of her? She could bung it in reverse, or drive off the other way. Is she going to jump in a weir?

Liz tries to escape over a bridge, but topples over the railing towards the water below.

Me: That was actually one of the Havoc stunt team again.
Hannah: Well, yes, obviously. A lady stunter.
Me: There aren't any ladies in Havoc; that was Roy Scammell.
Hannah: What? You mean that was a man in a skirt?

She rewinds the DVD in disbelief and watches it again.

Hannah: Very muscular legs, but it's hard to tell.

Episode 4

The Doctor volunteers to pilot the capsule back into space, but Professor Cornish insists that he takes all the necessary tests first.

Hannah: Are we going to see the Doctor trying not to throw up on the Vomit Comet?

Reegan gives Taltalian an exploding briefcase to finish off the Doctor, but alters the timer so that the bomb goes off in Taltalian's face instead.

Hannah: That's just mean.
Me: Mean? He's been blown up!
Hannah: Well, he was trusting Reegan! He thought that briefcase would end all his troubles. I suppose it did, but in a different way.

Remarkably, the computer equipment in the same room appears to be completely unscathed. In fact, the bomb hasn't even managed to collapse the table it was sitting on.

Hannah: The Doctor was only a couple of feet away and still survived, even though the ceiling has fallen in and the walls have gone wonky. How has he gotten away with just a scratch on his face?

Then we get a very eerie and unsettling sequence with an unstoppable alien astronaut (one of the eponymous Ambassadors of Death) entering a military base, killing anyone who gets in its way.

Hannah: This would be a good time to run.
Me: If I'd seen this episode as a child, I would have been absolutely terrified.
Hannah: It's the lens flare that makes it so creepy. Dark silhouettes of death coming up against the sun. It's very dark and mysterious.

The aliens can kill with a touch, thanks to their natural radioactivity.

Hannah: You know what they remind me of?
Me: Astronauts?
Hannah: Vashta Nerada. Just because they were infecting people who were wearing spacesuits. I found them terrifying, because you literally can't stop them; if you touch a shadow that's infected, you're dead, there's no way out. This is a similar thing, except these ones are unstoppable radiation things; one touch and you're dead, and you can't shoot them. It's terrifying.

The episode ends with one of the deadly aliens approaching the Doctor from behind.

Hannah: What a lively embassy they're from.

Episode 5

Hannah: It's a very good alien design; mysterious and creepy. Faceless creatures are much scarier than big green bug-eyed monsters.
Me: Incidentally, you might be interested to know that the Apollo 13 incident happened during this story. They've blown their oxygen tank since the last episode was broadcast.
Hannah: That's quite a big coincidence. What else do you expect me to say? It's interesting, but a coincidence.
Me: Well, yes, I wasn't suggesting that Barry Letts had organised it as a publicity stunt.

General Carrington's scientist Lennox turns himself in and asks UNIT to put him into protective custody, politely declining Sergeant Benton's offer of a cup of tea.

Hannah: (disgusted) Why would you turn down a cup of tea?
Me: Look!
Hannah: (annoyed) What?
Me: It's Corporal Benton, from The Invasion. He's been promoted now.
Hannah: I don't recognise him at all. All I remember is that you asked me to guess who would carry on being a recurring member of UNIT, and I had no idea.

Reegan infiltrates the Space Centre and makes his way to the fuel tanks at the launch site, kicking people off the gantries as he goes.

Hannah: Another stunt man doing flips.
Me: Yep, more action by Havoc.
Hannah: It's all very quiet. It feels like there's supposed to be music over it, but there isn't.
Me: I thought you'd be grateful for a bit of silence after the last story.

Inevitably, a radioactive isotope somehow finds its way onto Lennox's dinner plate while he's locked up in his cell.

Hannah: Oh, that's a horrible way to die!
Me: Yes, that's why the cup of tea wouldn't have been a good idea.

Despite Reegan's sabotage, the Doctor eventually manages to take off and we get our first glimpse of the rocket.

Hannah: Wow. Oh dear. It's such a rubbish little rocket! It's obviously being held up by something. That's why it's going so far past the top of the screen; you can't see the nose cone because something's holding it. And the Doctor's face is all blue and weird. I suppose it's realistic, considering he's being pummelled in the face by g-force, but what a face to pull.
Me: Now that you mention it, he looks a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze in Batman & Robin. It's also very convenient that Recovery 7 was ready to go back up into space again so soon. Now the special effects department don't need to build another model.
Hannah: Well, they would have just used the same one and painted an eight on it. Obviously.

The Doctor's reaction to the saboteur: "They're very persistent, aren't they?"

Hannah: That's just a polite way of saying "bloody bastards".

Episode 6

The Doctor's capsule is swallowed by an alien spaceship and he finds himself in the middle of a swirly red abstract tunnel.

Hannah: This looks like a beautiful painting. Is he on a giant green screen?
Me: Barry Letts was one of the early pioneers of CSO. You'd better get used to it, that's the next five years you're looking at.

The Doctor finds the missing astronauts avidly watching a blank screen, apparently under the impression that it's showing a football match.

Hannah: So they must have been locked up in there for at least a couple of days, right?
Me: It must be one hell of a penalty shootout.
Hannah: What are they being fed? Do they eat or drink the same things as the aliens? That doesn't seem very likely.

And then we get our first proper look at the aliens, and it's safe to say that it comes as a bit of a shock.

Hannah: Eurgh! Eurgh! Eurgh!

Reegan returns to the Space Centre to cause more mischief.

Hannah: He's got a blueprint map with him this time. How did he get hold of that?
Me: If they can smuggle radioactive material onto a prisoner's dinner tray, I'm sure they can steal some documents. The real question is why the isotope didn't roll around and make a noise under the cloche when Benton brought it in.
Hannah: They could have at least propped it up with some mashed potatoes or something, to muffle the sound. "Mash Muffle: radioactive isotope served on a bed of mash."

If you're reading this, Heston Blumenthal, feel free to use that one.

General Carrington is finally outed as the villain of the piece, and the episode concludes with him preparing to do his "moral duty" by shooting the Doctor in the head.

Hannah: Are we ever going to see the ambassadors properly? All we've had so far is a face.
Me: Yes, and even that was too much for you.
Hannah: Because it looked like a blue peeling human. Anyway, if these aliens are intelligent beings, why are they just standing around waiting for orders and then doing whatever they're told?

Episode 7

The Doctor sends an SOS signal to UNIT, where it's picked up by Private Johnson.

Me: That's Geoffrey Beevers; he was married to Caroline John.
Hannah: The actress?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: Wait. Which one's Caroline John?
Me: The one who plays Liz.
Hannah: Oh, yeah. I was thinking of Caroline Quentin.
Me: No, she was married to Paul Merton.
Hannah: Well, they're both female-first-name and male-last-name.
Me: In that case, I suppose I should just be thankful that you didn't confuse her with Caroline Lucas.
Hannah: I still didn't hear what the General said.
Me: Something about moral duty, I expect. You could play a drinking game in this episode.

As all hell breaks loose and General Carrington takes over the Space Centre, the Brigadier and UNIT need transport but there's only one car available. No prizes for guessing which one.

Hannah: Ah, fully-armed men in a yellow jalopy, sticking their rifles out of the window. Not that there's a window, there aren't really any sides to the car. Isn't there any way of making it water-tight? It's a very pretty car, but it's not very practical.

At the Space Centre, Carrington is preparing to deliver a live television broadcast with the aim of provoking an international war that will destroy the aliens.

Me: I just want to point out that this is another story that's not about alien invasion. That's two in a row so far.
Hannah: Yes, it's about an alien kidnap.
Me: It's about good aliens! At this point in Doctor Who you're expecting every alien to be hostile, but they're actually peaceful aliens for a change.
Hannah: Peaceful aliens who accidentally kill people. I still think it's odd how suggestible the aliens are; they're just doing what they're told. Why did this guy want to steal them, anyway? I still don't really understand. He bumped into them on Mars, found out that they were going to send some ambassadors down to Earth, and then managed to intercept them just to do some bank robberies?
Me: No, it's Reegan that wants to rob banks. Carrington just wants to wipe them out.
Hannah: But why? Just because they killed his friend by accident? If he thinks they're dangerous, why didn't he just tell someone?

The Brigadier arrests Carrington, and the Doctor releases the captive aliens.

Hannah: The camera's still rolling.
Me: You really think the cameraman would turn it off now? The viewing figures must be through the roof!

Professor Cornish still needs the Doctor's help to exchange the aliens for their own missing astronauts, but the Doctor doesn't seem too concerned. Instead, he leaves Liz to tie up all the loose ends...

Hannah: Why does the Doctor want to leave?

...says goodbye to the aliens...

Hannah: Why is he talking to them? He knows they can't understand him!

...then he swans off back to his laboratory, and the story just more or less ends.

Hannah: That's a rubbish ending! Why is the Doctor... could they not afford to do another rocket sequence, and just gave up? Absolute bollocks. "Goodbye everyone, it's all sorted." No, things could still go wrong! We just have to assume that the exchange goes well; the aliens have taken their ambassadors back and decided not to go back to Earth - "It's far too dangerous there, they're all bastards" - and the guys who were in space have no idea what's going on because they think they've been in decontamination and watching the same football match for three days. Surely the Doctor likes aliens and stuff, so why would he just leave? Is he really that uninterested in anything that's beneath him? "I've done the hard bit, the rest of you can clean up the mess; I'm going to put my feet up."
Me: Well, I suppose he's got a lot of work to do in his own laboratory...
Hannah: No, he doesn't! He has nothing to do!
Me: He's still trying to get the TARDIS console working.
Hannah: Maybe he knows that this particular alien race are never going to contact Earth again, and everything's fine. I don't suppose their findings were very encouraging. "Let's see what the Earth people do. Oh, they seem to kill each other and go places that they're not supposed to." They don't even have a name. And we only see them briefly, as something with a slightly blue head.
Me: To be fair, it's probably more effective that way.
Hannah: Yes. And cheaper.

The Score

Hannah: It was very engaging, and I like the fact that it's not a threatening alien species, but I still find it hard to believe that they can just tell these aliens what to do; I really don't see why they were going along with any of it. What did Liz do in this story?
Me: She fell off a weir.
Hannah: She got captured and then she had to do some science, but I don't think she brought much to the table. It's an interesting mix of political subterfuge, running around a bit, and a weird mysterious alien race that we don't learn much about; it's full of potential, and yet I find it a bit dissatisfying, especially that ending. They could have just shown a scene of... I don't know, anything. Certainly not the Doctor just saying goodbye to everyone and leaving Liz to tidy up the mess. And there's also that scene at the very beginning, where he's just about got the TARDIS working well enough to do little time hops and we find out he can still manipulate those effects when he's nowhere near the TARDIS, like when he made the tape disappear...
Me: No, that was a separate thing. It's just a random trick he can do.
Hannah: And he never does it again?
Me: Maybe he doesn't want to show off.
Hannah: It's weird that they have both of those things at the beginning of the same story, and then they're never mentioned again. The scene with the TARDIS console is interesting, but they had to build the entire set just for that and it's got no relevance to the story. I'm hoping we see some more of that set with the lurid glass window in the next one, otherwise they built it for no reason.
Me: So, to sum up?
Hannah: Again, it was middling. It was enjoyable, and I did like the music, but some parts were too slow or repetitive. At least there was some action.

7/10

Hannah: I've noticed that I keep using the word "interesting". I wish I had a better word for it.
Me: Fascinating?
Hannah: No, it wasn't that good.

Doctor Who and the Silurians

Episode 1

The title immediately presents us with a couple of obvious talking points.

Hannah: Oooh. Well, two things. First of all, is that the first time the title has been "Doctor Who and the...", instead of just "The Silurians"? It's "Doctor Who and the Silurians", which is a lot of title.
Me: Yes, and it's also the last time; Malcolm Hulke was following the sixties convention of scripting stories as "Doctor Who and the...", and nobody corrected the mistake when the title captions were being made.
Hannah: Oh, well done. And I think I know who the Silurians are; I think they're the underground lizard people.
Me: There's also a new producer.
Hannah: Oh yeah, you said the other one only lasted two stories. Who's the new one?
Me: Barry Letts. He's going to be with us for the rest of the Pertwee run, and he also directed The Enemy of the World.
Hannah: Ah, okay. So things look promising, then.

When the story opens with a couple of potholers exploring some underground caves, Hannah takes this as a sign that she's right about the identity of the Silurians. But before the potholers can get much further, they're suddenly attacked by a dinosaur.

Hannah: Ah, it's an animatronic lizard. They've accidentally stumbled into that attraction in Wales.
Me: You mean the Doctor Who Experience?
Hannah: No, I mean Dan yr Ogof. The one with all the dinosaurs.

Elsewhere, the Brigadier sends an urgent call for the Doctor and Liz to join him at the atomic research centre on Wenley Moor.

Hannah: The Doctor's kept all that clothing he stole, then.
Me: Maybe he replaced it with something similar, like he's done with the car.
Hannah: I know the Doctor likes to keep busy, but it doesn't feel fair that he's at the Brig's beck and call. And doesn't Liz have a day job she should be going back to?

The Doctor drives Liz down the high street in Bessie, his newly-acquired vintage car.

Hannah: Oh, the Doctor in traffic! This is just weird!
Me: What do you think of Bessie?
Hannah: She's very yellow.
Me: She feels like a surrogate TARDIS in many ways; another vehicle for him to care about, now that he can't use the other one anymore.
Hannah: Yes. And tinker with.
Me: Do you have anything to say about the license plate?
Hannah: "WHO 1". I like it.
Me: Do you?!
Hannah: I don't know. It could have been better; it could have said "TARDIS".
Me: So you're happy with his name being "Doctor Who"? I mean, it's right there in the episode title and everything.
Hannah: No. It's the Doctor.
Me: So why--
Hannah: I'm not saying I think it makes sense, but... why not? Obviously the Doctor didn't choose the number plate, the production team chose the number plate.
Me: Yes, but within the fiction of the programme...
Hannah: Yes, it's a ridiculous number plate considering that's not his name; he's calling himself "Dr John Smith" for his stint on Earth. Still, he's called himself "Dr Who" in German before, so I suppose I can live with it.

The research facility is run by Dr Lawrence and his number two, Dr Quinn.

Hannah: Why is that amusing?
Me: There was an American drama series in the nineties called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
Hannah: I don't think I know that one. Wasn't there a Quincy?
Me: That was a medical detective show.
Hannah: What was Dick Van Dyke's medical show?
Me: You're thinking of Diagnosis: Murder.
Hannah: Yeah! Was there a guy in that called Quinn? It's been a long time since I used to watch it.
Me: I have no idea. Anyway, this Dr Quinn is played by Fulton Mackay, the strict prison warden from Porridge.
Hannah: I think we've mentioned him before. Has he been in it already? Or am I thinking of Dad's Army?
Me: He was in a couple of episodes of Dad's Army, yes. He was fantastic in Porridge, though.
Hannah: So is jam. I really want some porridge now.

The establishment mostly consists of a single device: the cyclotron.

Hannah: Oh, it's like a Large Hadron Collider type thing! A great big scientific machine, deep underground because they don't have any mountains.

After Liz starts to feel dizzy ("Significant headache!"), it turns out that the personnel have been developing an unusually high rate of mental illness lately. The episode concludes with the Doctor descending into the caves, where he finds himself menaced by the subterranean dinosaur.

Hannah: I haven't got much to say this time; I was paying attention too much to the story. I'm just waiting to find out what's going on.
Me: Any thoughts so far?
Hannah: The music is quite good, again. But I suppose it's always consistently good, except when it's bad.
Me: Er, yes. We might come back to that later.
Hannah: (noticing the credits) Oh, it's not Dudley Simpson! It's changed?
Me: For the moment, but he'll be back in the next story. This composer is Enid Blyton's nephew.
Hannah: Oh, okay. (pause) Are you lying?
Me: No!
Hannah: Alright; I suppose she has to have family. I mean, why not be related to her?
Me: He also wrote and composed "Bananas in Pyjamas".
Hannah: Really?
Me: Yes, it's his best-known work.
Hannah: When I was a child, the dentist used to give me Bananas in Pyjamas stickers.
Me: They must have been very easy to peel.
Hannah: Don't make me hit you.

Episode 2

It's not long before the unique soundtrack kicks in and Hannah starts to notice some of the more "distinctive" elements of the score.

Hannah: Ah yes, everyone loves a good bassoon.

After the Doctor has returned safely, the UNIT team discuss the situation over refreshments in the conference room.

Hannah: I'm happy to see a tea/coffee scene while they're thinking up a plan. I'm also happy that nobody has got Liz to make the drinks; if any man asked her to do that, her retort would be so sharp they'd bleed.

And no, Hannah doesn't recognise Paul Darrow as Captain Hawkins; she's had no experience of either Blake's 7 or Jack FM. Luckily there's an injured Silurian on the loose in the countryside, which is bad news for UNIT but at least it gives us something to talk about.

Hannah: That's interesting. Point-of-view camera work. Is this the first time it's been used?
Me: No. Remember The Daleks? The first time we ever see a Dalek is from their perspective.
Hannah: I mean, I haven't seen The Blair Witch Project, but...
Me: Oh, it was all based on this. This is definitely where they got the idea.
Hannah: I can't tell if you're being serious.

Dr Quinn has already made contact with the cave-dwelling Silurians, hoping to keep the scientific glory of the discovery for himself. Hannah, for her part, is more concerned about Carey Blyton's kazoo.

Hannah: Okay, I see what you mean about the music now. Random nonsense. What's the point of the gongs?
Me: I'm not saying it's necessarily bad, I'm just saying it's...
Hannah: It's bloody weird. Is that a glockenspiel?
Me: There's an argument that this is what Doctor Who should always sound like: otherworldly and different from anything else on television. But yes, even by those standards it's a bit of an oddity.
Hannah: Now I feel a bit weird about praising the music last time.
Me: The first episode was set almost entirely in the research facility, so the music wasn't quite so bizarre. We're spending a lot more time in the caves now, so it's getting a bit more exotic.
Hannah: This control room is a very cool set. It reminds me of an electric fire. I like the ambient noise; it's like the background machinery noises from Halo. I used to listen to the Halo soundtrack on repeat when I was writing my uni essays.
Me: Ah, now, Halo was definitely inspired by this...
Hannah: Stop it.

The Doctor recommends closing the base, but Dr Lawrence refuses to put his career at risk.

Hannah: Why are these base directors always more interested in profits and achievements than the safety of their employees? It was the exact same thing with that gas director in Fury from the Deep; people have died, and yet they're all content to struggle through and shout at people to make them find a solution anyway, even if it endangers more people. Even when you're faced with a massive financial or scientific loss, who would really be that stupid?

When a local woman is found in a barn, paralysed with fear, the Doctor makes a brilliant diagnosis: "She may have seen something."

Hannah: No, I'm sure she just felt like collapsing.

The Doctor and the Brigadier realise that the creature is still there, but they've already left "Miss Shaw" behind to do some forensic tests. (Shouldn't it be "Dr Shaw"?)

Hannah: There's been a murder! Why haven't they already searched the barn? Completely implausible.

The episode ends with Liz alone in the barn as a Silurian bears down on her.

Hannah: That's the same cliffhanger as last time.
Me: Well, not quite.
Hannah: It's someone getting attacked while they're on their own.
Me: Yeah, but this time it's Liz. Completely different.

Episode 3

Hannah: The Silurians' first-person vision is like looking through a kaleidoscope; they've got two segments at the bottom and a red one at the top. Surely it can't be very practical for them?

Liz is shaken from her encounter with the Silurian, but doesn't experience the same uncontrollable terror that affects everyone else who sees them.

Hannah: Why hasn't she gone all scared? All the other people have gone into shock. Is she too rational to be terrified?

Dr Quinn arrives on the scene.

Hannah: Dr Quinn's hat is stupid. It really is ridiculous; it's like Hartnell's hat, but bigger and fluffy.
Me: It looks nothing like Hartnell's hat!
Hannah: It's like a tea cosy, but with no shape to it.
Me: How can it be like a tea cosy if there's no shape?
Hannah: Well, it's not, then. It's just a bowl.
Me: Like a bowler hat?
Hannah: No! It's like a... sack.

While UNIT is searching the moors, Dr Quinn activates a Silurian signal device.

Hannah: It really does just sound like a squeaky metal swing, but sped up.

The music isn't any more melodic than the sound effects. In fact, it's not always easy to tell the difference.

Hannah: Dramatic squeaky crap.
Me: You like the music, remember?
Hannah: No.

Dr Quinn's office contains a globe that represents the world before the continental drift.

Hannah: Ah, it's Pangaea!
Me: You have a degree in archaeology; does this all stack up?
Hannah: I don't know the dates, if that's what you're trying to point out.
Me: Well, for one thing, the Silurian era was 430 million years ago, not 200 million years ago, and there was no life anywhere on land during that period either. So the Silurians aren't actually Silurians, strictly speaking.
Hannah: What are they really?
Me: Every time they make a return appearance they get renamed to whatever the writer thinks is more accurate, like Eocenes, and then that's always wrong as well.
Hannah: Yeah, or Homo reptilia. They're not part of the Homo genus; it's just wrong!
Me: Probably easier to just go with Silurians.

Dr Lawrence is fed up with UNIT getting under his feet and threatens to have the Brigadier transferred to "some simpler duties, more within your scope."

Hannah: Bitch.

Dr Quinn is harbouring the runaway Silurian so the Doctor pays a second visit to Quinn's cottage, hoping to persuade Quinn to trust him before it's too late.

Hannah: It's just backwards and forwards to his cottage. Why doesn't he stay there?
Me: There's already one houseguest.
Hannah: The Doctor's really tall now; he's physically imposing as well as intelligent. He could just force his way in, tie him up and search the house until he finds the Silurian.
Me: That's probably not the best way to get someone to trust you.
Hannah: Maybe not, but it gets the job done.

In fact, Hannah has a lot of problems with this set-up (in particular, the question of how Quinn encouraged a Silurian to come home with him, how he forced it to stay, and why it didn't immediately escape after killing him, instead of hanging around the cottage until the Doctor turned up), but then we get our first proper look at a Silurian.

Hannah: They look a bit fishy.
Me: As in suspicious?
Hannah: As in flared head-stuff, gills, fishy lips. Less reptile, more fish.

Episode 4

Major Baker explores the caves, but gets trapped when he steps in a puddle of bubbling liquid.

Hannah: This is a very strange cave system.
Me: It's got prehistoric reptiles living in it, so I'm not really sure what you were expecting.
Hannah: Realistic rocks would be a good start.

A group of Silurians turn up and immobilise him.

Hannah: They walk strangely.
Me: So would you, if you had webbed feet.
Hannah: No, they move their arms around, as if they're dancing.

A man from the ministry, Masters, has arrived to investigate the recent developments at the facility.

Hannah: He's famous.
Me: That's Geoffrey Palmer, famous for Butterflies, As Time Goes By and The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, although I don't suppose you've seen any of those. More likely you recognise him from either the Bond film he was in, Tomorrow Never Dies, or the episode of Fawlty Towers where one of the guests dies, or as Field Marshal Haig in the final episode of Blackadder. Or possibly as the captain of the Titanic in "Voyage of the Damned", the Christmas episode with David Tennant and Kylie Minogue.
Hannah: Is he pouring coffee into a plastic cup?!

The Silurians interrogate Major Baker.

Me: Do you recognise who's doing the Silurian voices?
Hannah: Of course not. Oh, is it Kroton man?
Me: It's Peter Halliday, the one who played Packer in The Invasion.
Hannah: They sound like the voices from The Krotons, but slightly less South African.

The Doctor tries to warn the Silurians about the military attack on the caves, but gets locked up for his trouble.

Hannah: That Silurian looks like he's having some kind of fit. He's just standing there shaking his little head-gem at...
Me: "Head-gem"? That's a third eye! That's why their first-person vision has three segments, and the top one is red.
Hannah: I know, but it just looks like a plastic gem embedded in their forehead.

The Silurians want their planet back but the Doctor is keen to broker peace between the humans and Silurians, which Hannah recognises as being the same story as "Cold Blood" in the Matt Smith era. The Silurian stubbornly makes a counter-offer: "This planet is ours. It always has been."

Hannah: And that's the important line.
Me: Malcolm Hulke wasn't too keen on the new Earthbound format for the show, claiming that it only left two story ideas available - alien invasion or mad scientist - so the script editor Terrance Dicks asked him to write a story about an indigenous alien threat who want their planet back.
Hannah: I like it, it's a good way to avoid getting too repetitive. It's been done very early on, though; we've had one alien threat so far, and now we're only two stories in and it's "We're going to blow your mind; it's going to be aliens, but they're not." I've always thought it was a really good idea.

The cliffhanger sees a young Silurian trying to kill the Doctor with his third eye.

Hannah: They don't slap people, they just stare them to death. I'm really enjoying this, because I already know the story and I like it; I don't know this particular story, but I know the gist of it and I like that the Doctor just throws himself in there and tries to be the piggy in the middle. This music is still bizarre and jarring, though.

Episode 5

The UNIT troops are trapped in the caves, so they try using the field telephone to contact base.

Hannah: I love the fact that they're trying to use a phone downstairs, in the caves.
Me: Downstairs?
Hannah: Underground. Same thing.

Back in the conference room, Liz has changed into a rather fetching red outfit for this episode.

Hannah: It's an interesting choice, having one of the main characters dressed in the same fabric as the backdrop.

The Silurian leader wants to Give Peace a Chance, but an impetuous young Silurian opts for genocide instead.

Hannah: He sounds like an angry teenager. "I don't want fish and chips for dinner! I want pizza!" He was promised all kinds of things before he went to sleep, and now he's woken up and there are apes all over his planet and someone's taken away his primordial swamp pony.

The young Silurian releases Major Baker, but not before infecting him with a disease that will wipe out millions of humans.

Hannah: Ah, I'd wondered what they were going to do to make it last another two episodes. So they've planted a disease on him, and sent him back to the surface to commit genocide? That's not nice.
Me: I think that might be a bit of an understatement.

The elder Silurian releases the Doctor so that he can find a cure ("Oh good, they get to look down a microscope again"), but then Junior uses his third eye to kill the leader.

Hannah: No, don't kill the good one! So they can do all kinds of things with their mind-eye? They can wake people up, they can injure or kill them, they can make force-fields... I suppose it's possible that they're just interacting with their technology to make the force-field. But still, how can it do so much?

The Doctor tries to contain the bacteria, but it's too late; the infection has already started to spread.

Hannah: I wasn't expecting that to happen; that's quite a turn. Quite a good one. Well, obviously bad, but good in storytelling terms.

Episode 6

The Doctor needs to shoo the Brigadier out of the lab so that he can get on with finding a cure.

Hannah: "Get out of here, and take your stick with you."

Meanwhile, the Silurians are spying on the Doctor from their base in the caves.

Hannah: How can they see everything, everywhere?

Masters has returned to London (apparently not being familiar with the concept of "quarantine") and arrives at the ministry in a taxi.

Hannah: Is the driver famous?
Me: Not unless it's Fred Housego. Why would the taxi driver be famous?
Hannah: I don't know. He's just got very significant sideburns.

Masters spreads the Silurians' disease throughout London; half the population are dropping dead in the streets within minutes, but he's still refusing to collapse.

Hannah: He's really hanging on!
Me: He's definitely beating the odds. He was infected before he left the research facility, and that must have been hours ago.
Hannah: If he doesn't die, I hope they make him feel very sorry about infecting all of London; they told him there was a disease, and that he shouldn't leave. So much death.

The Doctor claims his life covers "several thousand years".

Hannah: Does it? Does it?! Is he exaggerating to make himself look more impressive to her?
Me: Sure, let's go with that.
Hannah: Either that, or they're just making his age up as they go along.

The Doctor is abducted from his lab by a group of Silurians after they burn through the wall.

Hannah: This is just so bizarre.
Me: The music?
Hannah: Yeah, but also seeing the Doctor go cross-eyed and fall on the floor.

Episode 7

Hannah is fascinated by the decor in the conference room.

Hannah: Has someone pooed on the wall? Why does it look so brown?
Me: It's the seventies. Everything's brown.

The Silurians force the Doctor to set up a device in the power complex that will destroy the Van Allen belt, heating up the planet so that the human race will die out and leave Earth for the cold-blooded Silurians.

Hannah: Apart from having microwaves that can only destroy the Van Allen belt, it's quite an interesting idea for destroying humanity.
Me: Well, I'm glad you approve.
Hannah: It's not like they're saying "we turned the sun up" or anything like that, because then I'd be out of here. But destroying some of the sunlight filtration, alright; that's fine.

For the first and only time, we see the Doctor observing Casual Friday.

Hannah: The Doctor looks very strange in a plain white t-shirt and jeans. I mean, why? I know he was wearing a white lab coat earlier, but I assumed he was wearing it over the top of his regular clothes; was he really wearing that underneath?

The Doctor sabotages the nuclear reactor, and with the complex about to explode, the Silurians decide to piss off back to the cave and resume their hibernation. The Doctor advises the humans to evacuate, but there's no way out because the Silurians have jammed the lift in a fit of pique.

Hannah: "Bollocks. I think we've made a mistake."
Me: You'd think they would have built an emergency staircase or something.

Not for the last time, the Doctor saves the day by tinkering around with the neutron flow. Down in the caves, the young Silurian takes responsibility for the survival of his race and sacrifices his life so that he can put the others into hibernation.

Hannah: So that naughty teenage Silurian actually volunteered to stay and die? That doesn't seem in keeping with his character. He killed the leader because he wants to be in charge; you'd think he'd be the first one to get inside the box and survive.
Me: Why? He's just doing what he thinks is best for his people.
Hannah: True; I think it's probably my characterisation of him that's clouding my opinion.
Me: But that's the whole point of the story, isn't it? They're not evil as such; they're the same as us. The humans and the Silurians are both villains in this story; they can't live together peacefully because neither of them will give each other a chance. None of them are unsympathetic, but none of them come out of it looking particularly good either.

Out on the road, the Doctor is having car trouble. He takes a small vial of red liquid out of his pocket and pours it into the radiator.

Hannah: Was that a little vial of blood?
Me: How likely is it?
Hannah: Well, that's exactly what it looked like.
Me: You think Bessie runs on human blood?
Hannah: Not human, necessarily.
Me: It could be anything. Some kind of car medicine or something.

The Brigadier blows up the Silurian base, and after witnessing this act of genocide, the Doctor leaves in disgust. Not a feel-good ending.

Hannah: But the Brigadier told them to seal the base! He just said "seal", like make a rockfall happen around it so that nobody can get in or out. He didn't say they were actually going to blow it up, so I'm not sure what's actually... are we supposed to believe that they've killed them all?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: But that's not what the Brig said! It's very dark. All of this is a lot darker, and... it's just not funny.
Me: It wasn't meant to be funny!
Hannah: I liked it funny. Obviously I don't want slapstick, and I don't want jokes left, right and centre when they're dealing with slightly more serious issues, but it's just a bit... I don't know.
Me: Well, Pertwee is playing it a lot straighter than Troughton. Besides, the show is supposedly being pitched at a slightly more grown-up level than before, so we've got proper human drama and politics in here.
Hannah: I'd be interested to know how many Silurians there were altogether. How many were in those hibernation chambers? Are there more across the planet? Are we going to find more throwback species? Oh, and there's something they never told you about: why were people going crazy?
Me: Just from shock. Until about halfway through the story, anyway, and then everyone forgets about it.
Hannah: I don't find that believable in the slightest; some people would get shocked, but not everyone who sees them. And the people who worked in the nuclear reactor room; what were they being exposed to that made them go mental? They said loads of their scientists were having breakdowns, but not all of them went into the caves. What happened to the man who went weird and was drawing on the walls? They made out that it was hugely important; they had a guy who was drawing cave art all over the walls, and then the exact same thing happened to one of the soldiers, but they never explained it. I feel like they've left a massive great hole in the story.

The Score

Hannah: I love the Silurians, I love the idea of them, but I found the story a bit middling. The central story is very interesting; I like the idea of different cultures who both have an equal claim but can't reconcile their differences. But the rest of the story was a bit lacking. Things that seemed important at the beginning were forgotten and never resolved; they tried to do loads of things, but they didn't quite finish it. I love the concept and I love the "aliens" but some parts seemed rushed and not quite right, and the music was just... I don't even know the right word for it.
Me: Experimental?
Hannah: Very experimental! It made the Silurians feel very alien, but it was annoying and jerked you out of the story sometimes. It's supposed to help the mood, but mostly the mood was wishing you could make that squeaky thing shut up. For a seven-part story, I would have loved to have seen more about the background of the Silurians.
Me: It was heavily expanded in the novelisation, Doctor Who and the Cave Monsters. We have a copy if you're interested.
Hannah: What a surprise; we've got everything.
Me: There's a prologue set during prehistoric times; it shows them going into hibernation, and makes them feel more like real people with a proper civilisation. They've got names and everything.
Hannah: Even with the television version, there was so much more that they could have fit in. I like how much the story makes you think, and I would have loved to give it an 8, but I don't think it quite got there.

7/10

Me: What do you think of Jon Pertwee's Doctor?
Hannah: I don't like him as much as Troughton. He seems a lot more strict and boring.
Me: On his own merits, though?
Hannah: He doesn't seem very alien, so he's not particularly engaging or interesting to me; he doesn't feel like an alien adventurer, just a clever person who works with the Brigadier. Which is fair enough, but I feel it's going to get a bit dull and repetitive if we're going to be stuck on Earth in the same period and there's nothing to lighten the mood. It's a more realistic and gritty Doctor, and I understand that it works and he doesn't have to be silly all the time, but I find it boring. There are parts where he feels like the Doctor we knew before, like his negotiation with the Silurian leader and his scientific tests, but a lot of the time it doesn't feel right; it's a serious story, but it's still missing a touch of Doctor-style humour. There's no Jamie to mess around with, no jokes being told, no random things in his pockets. I miss the light relief. This Doctor seems a lot more serious, despite the yellow car.

We felt compelled to watch Musical Scales, the DVD documentary about the "experimental" soundtrack, and learned that Carey Blyton rang the director late one night whilst working on the score and enthusiastically played a crumhorn down the phone.

Hannah: Oh, so that's how it got approved; the director said "yeah, whatever, I'm going to bed." It's like when you bought those expensive pillows because you asked me when I was asleep.

Spearhead from Space

Me: It's the 3rd of January, 1970. We're about to start a new decade! Isn't that exciting?
Hannah: Well, like I said before: yes, but not much actually changes with the turn of one decade to another, except perhaps a mindset. Especially if it's the first story to be broadcast since the moon landing.
Me: Let's see.

Episode 1

Some of the differences are more immediately obvious than others. During the new title sequence, Hannah makes a brilliant observation.

Hannah: It's in colour!
Me: Well spotted.
Hannah: Nice title sequence. Psychedelic. Oh, they've put Pertwee's face right up there, before you get to actually see him. That's a bit of a spoiler. And they've changed the font again! It's more stylish now.
Me: Look, it's written by your friend Robert Holmes.
Hannah: Which ones did he write?
Me: The Krotons and The Space Pirates.
Hannah: Oh, excellent. They chose him to do the first one?!

But even with this track record, she's cautiously optimistic.

Hannah: I'm going to really savour this.
Me: Why?
Hannah: Because it's colour.
Me: You don't need to savour it that much. We're going to be seeing a lot more colour from now on.
Hannah: I know, but it's a novelty for me now; I'm really excited to see how everything looks. I want to see the proper colour of the TARDIS for the first time.
Me: A little while ago, you said it would feel weird when we finally went into colour...
Hannah: It is! Why is everyone so sweaty?
Me: Some people would argue that it looks a lot more atmospheric in monochrome.
Hannah: Whereas now the background is grey, the uniforms are brown and their ties are khaki. What was the point of having colour if they're not going to make the most of it?
Me: Most viewers would have been watching in black and white at the time, anyway. Colour television sets won't outnumber black and white ones in the UK for another six years.
Hannah: Would there have been any point in us watching the Blu-ray version of this? You can only upscale it so much.
Me: It's not an upscale; the reason this story has its own Blu-ray release is because it's the only one from the original series to be shot entirely on film.
Hannah: Why is it all on film? It would have been a lot more expensive than videotape.
Me: The studios were unavailable due to strike action, so the producer decided that the only way to get it made on time was to go out and shoot it all on location.
Hannah: That would explain why all the sets are echoing so much.
Me: Speaking of the producer, do you remember I told you that the last story was Derrick Sherwin's first one as producer?
Hannah: Was it his only one?
Me: No. This is his second story as producer.
Hannah: Makes sense.
Me: And the last. He left to join his predecessor Peter Bryant on Paul Temple after this.
Hannah: Oh. People don't seem to last very long sometimes.

Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart asks scientist Liz Shaw to join UNIT, the paramilitary organisation last seen facing off against the Cybermen in The Invasion.

Hannah: It's the Brig! Her face looks really familiar.
Me: Well, she was in Love Actually, but that was over thirty years later so it's probably not where you recognise her from. She played the grandmother of Liam Neeson's stepson.
Hannah: I've only seen Love Actually once.
Me: It's the most high-profile thing she's been in; I can't think of anywhere else you might have seen her.
Hannah: Maybe it's just once of those faces.

The TARDIS ("It's a bit rickety") materialises in the local woods, where the newly-regenerated Doctor is discovered unconscious in the heather and brought to the local hospital.

Hannah: They're going to find some unusual things if they decide to examine him! Whenever he gets checked by a human doctor they always say he's fine, even though it's now been established that he has two hearts and his entire body doesn't work quite the same way as them because he needs less oxygen.
Me: The second heart still hasn't been established yet.
Hannah: Hasn't it?
Me: No, it's never mentioned during the Hartnell or Troughton years.

An x-ray reveals that the patient has a second heart.

Hannah: Yay, finally! Do they think he's a really strange human who was born with two hearts, like conjoined twins? People are sometimes born with their heart outside their chest, you know.
Me: With inhuman blood?
Hannah: He's human-shaped, with veins. Why would they assume he's an alien?

Hannah doesn't manage to identify Talfryn Thomas straight away, but the penny drops as soon as he opens his mouth.

Hannah: (laughing) I didn't recognise him! He's so distinctive when he talks. It's the Welsh one from Dad's Army!

For Hannah, the highlight of the episode - probably the entire story - occurs when the Doctor is abducted from the hospital, and eludes his captors by rolling downhill in a wheelchair. The fun and games are abruptly halted when he runs through the woods to the guarded TARDIS, only to get shot down by a UNIT soldier.

Hannah: Well, that was quick.
Me: Yep. Time for Tom Baker next.
Hannah: No, I mean they don't linger on the cliffhanger long; it's very abrupt. Bang, he falls to the ground, straight to the credits. And they've got wibbly stuff in the background of the credits.
Me: Yes, from now on, the credits always use the same background graphics as the title sequence.
Hannah: I'm enjoying this. The music is really good, and everything feels completely and utterly different in every way, being in colour and on film.
Me: And also the fact that you've changed the entire regular cast.
Hannah: The Brig's still there. If the Brig hadn't been in it, it would have been weird; they needed to have something consistent, like how they carried the companions over from Hartnell through to Troughton, so they carried over the TARDIS and the Brig. They needed to have him so that it would feel like the same programme, even though everything else is different.
Me: Including the whole premise of the show.
Hannah: Well, you don't know that yet.
Me: Of course we do! We already saw him getting exiled to Earth.
Hannah: Yeah, but we don't really know the ins and outs of it yet. He still seems to have his TARDIS. They've just sent him to... what, 1970? Is this supposed to be real time?
Me: Ah. I was wondering when that was going to come up.

I try to give Hannah some background on the UNIT dating controversy (the ongoing fan debate over whether the UNIT stories take place in the present or the near-future), but she's happy to accept it as "vague-ish seventies" and leave it at that. Probably for the best.

Episode 2

With the Doctor back in hospital, Dr Henderson admits to the Brigadier that he's dealing with a completely alien physiology.

Hannah: Oh, so he's accepted that the Doctor is an alien? And he's happy with that?
Me: You don't think perhaps the extra heart and the alien blood sample has given him a clue?
Hannah: So why hasn't he set up a quarantine, or even just started freaking out? He's way too calm for someone who's just found out that their patient's cardiovascular system is completely weird; it doesn't have to be a big panicky reaction, but you'd expect some kind of response. The nurse is calm, too. Maybe they've both experienced some really strange things in their medical career, and two hearts is nothing to them.

Elsewhere, in the local plastics factory, baby doll heads are being manufactured against a soundtrack of "Oh Well (Part 1)" by Fleetwood Mac. I had hoped that hearing one of Hannah's favourite bands might distract from her pediophobia, but the sequence clearly touches a nerve.

Hannah: Oh, why?! That's just not necessary. They can fuck right off with this nonsense.

The next three episodes could be a bit of a bumpy ride.

Out in the woods, a figure dressed in a boiler suit turns to reveal the head of a plastic dummy. Hannah lets out a heavy sigh.

Me: What's wrong?
Hannah: Plastic people. They look suspiciously like Autons.
Me: Are you okay with Autons?
Hannah: No! Smooth, faceless plastic mannequins are fine, but ones with faces like this are horrible. As soon as you give them eyes and they start moving around, I don't like it!
Me: So you didn't like Christopher Eccleston's first episode?
Hannah: No! I especially didn't like plastic Mickey, but at least that was out of the uncanny valley because he looked like a real human, just covered in plastic. I hate this kind of thing.
Me: Isn't that good, though, if you're finding it scary?
Hannah: It's not scary, it's disgusting and disturbing. I'm not scared by their abilities, I just feel icky and creeped out.

A poacher named Sam Seeley has brought home a mysterious glowing meteorite he found in the woods. While Hannah is pleased to see the programme finally putting our colour TV licence to good use ("That's a very cool prop; very pretty"), she doesn't think much of the way Sam talks to his long-suffering wife Meg.

Hannah: Slap him! Slap him one with your slipper! Go all Nora Batty on him!

Meanwhile, the TARDIS has been delivered to UNIT.

Hannah: It's always been strange that people can just take the TARDIS. It's supposed to be a sophisticated space-and-time machine, with a special lock and all the other gubbins that writers invent later, but it can be picked up and moved by humans. You'd think it would have an alarm, or some kind of immobiliser or anti-theft device.

The Doctor takes a shower in the hospital, thus giving us the programme's first ever nude scene.

Hannah: Very weird bathroom; there's no privacy, and the shower looks like a torture device. And the Doctor is perfectly happy to shower naked in front of other people.
Me: What do you think of Jon Pertwee's cobra tattoo?
Hannah: I wouldn't expect the Doctor to have a tattoo; he regrows his skin, so it's a very specific thing for the Time Lords to change his face and randomly assign him a tattoo. Is it just that Jon Pertwee's going to be wearing his costume the rest of the time, and they forgot about covering it up for that scene? Or is the Doctor genuinely going to have that tattoo?
Me: Most fans tend to rationalise it as a Time Lord criminal branding.
Hannah: (after considering this for a moment) Yeah, it's just a snake tattoo.

Not for the last time, the new Doctor helps himself to some clothes he finds in the hospital...

Hannah: I like it when the Doctor finds clothes; it helps to establish his new personality. There are so many other things he could have picked, but instead he chooses a frilly shirt and a bright red-lined velvet cloak.

...and then steals a vintage car while he's at it.

Hannah: Oh, that's where he gets the car from? He never gives it back? He just steals that car and keeps it? How does he know how to drive?
Me: I don't know. Maybe Hartnell took lessons when he was living on Earth with Susan?

Liz isn't afraid to make snarky remarks to the Brigadier when he tries telling her that the police box is actually an alien spaceship.

Hannah: I like her, she's fun. I've been wondering who's going to be Pertwee's first companion, and whether it's going to be multiple companions or just one person, and the only possible candidate at the moment is Liz. She's a good character; intelligent, but not naïve like Zoe. She doesn't take any nonsense, but she's also happy to just get on with things. I hope she's a companion.

The Doctor examines his new face, throwing in a remark about the planet Delphon as he does so.

Hannah: He doesn't often talk about other alien species, does he? It's something that I recognise from modern episodes, those random throwaway lines, but I don't think he's done it very much so far.
Me: He didn't in the sixties, but from now on he's suddenly going to have an extensive knowledge of other planets and galaxies.
Hannah: Yes; things that he obviously saw when he was Hartnell, but didn't think were important enough to share with people.

The episode ends with Hannah's worst nightmare, as one of the mannequins at the plastics factory comes to life and starts terrorising a former employee.

Me: What do you think of it so far?
Hannah: I'm glad the show is using the level of humour that I enjoy, like having the Doctor escape in a wheelchair. The pacing here is great, and so is the balance of danger and humour. It's just a shame it had to be plastic people.

Episode 3

Me: I really like the blue boiler suits on the Autons, it's a good look for them. I'm not so sure about the cravat, though.
Hannah: Are they wearing scarves so that you can't see the join where the mask meets the actor's head?
Me: Actually, I hadn't thought about that. You're probably right.
Hannah: Oh, they've got the hands that come open, with little guns in! The modern Autons have those as well, don't they? It's cool to see things that they didn't just make up later and had actually been established already.

After chasing Ransome through the factory, the Auton takes aim at the top of a fire escape, craning its head to get a better view.

Hannah: That's far too lifelike. They look too human.
Me: Make your mind up.

The Doctor tries to take the TARDIS for a trip but the Time Lords have already clipped his wings, and he's forced to evacuate the ship when it grinds to a halt and fills up with smoke.

Hannah: Has he forgotten that he's not allowed to go anywhere?
Me: Worth a try.

The mysterious glowing orb is an energy unit that allows the Nestene Consciousness - another disembodied alien intelligence - to possess the plastic, controlling the Autons as a hive mind.

Hannah: Telepathic plastic. It's just so much creepier.

One of the Autons is ordered to carry out "total destruction"; its victim is completely obliterated, without a trace remaining.

Hannah: That was neat and tidy. They've just run an explosion in reverse. Stargate does that; it's just like a Zat'nik'tel gun. They're really good weapons.

The cliffhanger involves General Scobie answering the door to a shiny-faced Auton replica of himself, which advances on him threateningly.

Hannah: That's horrible. All of this is horrible.

Episode 4

The plastics factory has been supplying Madame Tussaud's with replicas of government officials.

Hannah: That's ridiculous. Madame Tussaud's is wax, not plastic. It's completely different.

But there's a twist...

Hannah: They're the real ones! They've replaced all of these people with plastic lookalikes.
Me: Why else would you have a civil servants exhibition at Madame Tussaud's? Who would care?
Hannah: Well, if they've all made important decisions of recent times... you know, a minister who helped to push a particularly important bill, or something like that.
Me: Yes, they've probably got him between Marilyn Monroe and the Pope.
Hannah: I know it's not as exciting as kings and queens and things like that, but... I don't know, everyone's got a niche.
Me: Maybe if the museum hadn't bothered with them, they could have put more work into these American presidents and ended up with something that actually looks like Richard Nixon.

To be fair, some of the sculptures are a lot more recognisable.

Hannah: The aliens haven't replaced Mahatma Gandhi, have they?!
Me: Seems unlikely, considering he died in 1948.

On the high street, shop window dummies start coming to life and begin slaughtering innocent bystanders and passing cyclists.

Hannah: Are you about to tell me where these shops are?
Me: What? No.
Hannah: Because it looks like Southampton.
Me: Does it?
Hannah: Yeah, it looks like our Debenhams. And that shop across the road would be what's now the British Heart Foundation.

It's actually Ealing, but never mind.

Me: Do you remember the scene in Christopher Eccleston's first episode, where the shop window dummies come to life?
Hannah: Sort of.
Me: This is where they got the idea. It's one of the most memorable sequences from the entire series.
Hannah: It's horrible.
Me: But what's really interesting is that most people remember seeing the Autons smashing through the glass window, but actually the BBC didn't have the budget to do that, so they just played the sound effect as they cut to the faces of the witnesses. They got the exact same special effect without even having to film it!
Hannah: Oh look, there's a Currys!

The Doctor has thrown together a hastily-constructed machine that will (hopefully) immobilise the Autons, so the Brigadier organises an impromptu raid on the factory.

Hannah: They've only got, what, ten minutes left of the episode? The big threat has only just happened, and this is the first time the Doctor's even mentioned trying to find a way to fight it! Usually it takes them a whole episode to figure out what they're going to do, but they've spent all of their time so far trying to work out what's going on and now they've only got ten minutes to save the world, and no time at all to actually come up with a plan. He just comes up with a plan off-camera and says "I've built a thing. Shall we go and see if it works?"
Me: That's because they spent the first episode and a half establishing the new Doctor.
Hannah: Yeah. It's just annoying because the Autons are such a good story, but there's only four episodes and they need to have all these other bits wedged in. Maybe they could have made it longer.
Me: Well, the good news is that the other stories in this season are going to be a bit longer.
Hannah: That's not necessarily a good thing.

Some green liquid spurts from a hole in the Nestene incubator ("Ewww!"), and the Nestene Consciousness manifests itself as a giant green octopus.

Hannah: Well, this seems a bit out of place! There's a really weird feeling here. Up until now, everything's been creepy and manipulative; we've had faceless plastic robots, and others that look human, and now they've suddenly thrown in a giant monster to make it traditionally scary because they think that's what everyone really wants. Tentacles coming out of a box.
Me: I guess the climax needed some dramatic tension.
Hannah: I know they said it was the ultimate life form, but it doesn't look very... ultimate. It doesn't have any kind of rigid structure; it's perfectly adapted to a water environment, but it wouldn't be very good with gravity.

When the monster attacks, Jon Pertwee goes into gurning mode and Liz defeats the Nestene Consciousness by... plugging a cable into their machine and switching it on. Later, back at UNIT HQ, the Doctor agrees to stay on and help UNIT during his exile. When the Brigadier agrees to find him another vintage car, similar to the one he stole from the hospital, the Doctor can't wait to go out and choose it.

Hannah: He wants to go car shopping with the Brig! It's a very different ending to usual, because they're setting up interesting things for the future. Obviously it can't end in the same way, running away into the TARDIS and disappearing somewhere.

The Brigadier asks for his name for the paperwork, and is unimpressed when the Doctor supplies his favourite thinly-disguised pseudonym: Doctor John Smith.

Hannah: Okay.
Me: Okay?
Hannah: It makes it easier. If he's going to spend time on Earth, he needs to have an Earth name.
Me: And a steady job?
Hannah: That's just to stop him being bored. But the Doctor still hasn't actually explained anything to the Brig; he's told him that he's still the Doctor and that his TARDIS won't go anywhere, but he hasn't explained how his face has changed, .
Me: I think we can assume that it happens off-camera at some point.
Hannah: Maybe, but it would have been nice to have a summary for everybody who hasn't watched it in six months.
Me: So what do you think of the new style of the show, compared to the old one?
Hannah: Well, it's the first one. So far, it just feels like a normal Earth-based episode so it doesn't feel out of place yet. If we're going to have a couple in a row where he has to wait for trouble to come to him, it's actually going to start feeling weird. I'm sure it will soon stop feeling plausible, especially when the humans never seem to remember what's going on.
Me: Yes, but you liked Torchwood; it's basically the same premise. We're just moving from Cardiff to the home counties.
Hannah: Well, exactly. Lots and lots of alien invasions, happening in the same place over a relatively short space of time.
Me: What are your first impressions of Jon Pertwee?
Hannah: I like him, but he doesn't seem very... "established" yet. It still feels like there's space in the mold. He feels a bit like Troughton, but with all the characteristics turned down.
Me: He made a very deliberate decision to play it straight.
Hannah: Yeah, he just seems slightly more boring at the moment. He's not all over the place, he's just intelligent and he's not really talking down to anyone...
Me: Just you wait.
Hannah: I'm not saying he's bland, but he doesn't seem very much of anything yet. He's not a grumpy old fart who's incredibly clever, he's not a silly old fool who's incredibly clever, he just seems clever. I suppose he's still trying to get used to the fact that he's stuck here and can't go anywhere, so he's probably a little distracted. I'm sure his personality will start to assert itself soon. Is there anything else you want to tell me about him?
Me: Ron Moody was the first choice to play this Doctor, following his success as Fagin in Oliver!, but he turned it down.
Hannah: The only version of Oliver Twist I've ever seen is the Disney version, Oliver & Company. I haven't even read the book.

Fair enough, I suppose. If you can't have Ron Moody on the soundtrack, Billy Joel is probably the next best thing.

The Score

Hannah: A bit of a slow start, but then the ending felt rushed. The Doctor suddenly discovers a way to defeat the aliens, and it works; all he has to do is shoot the main one and it deactivates all the others. Which is fine; it's a collective mind, so it's plausible and the story works, but they've jumped over too many things, like the Doctor making the weapon and how the aliens establish themselves on Earth in the first place. And we haven't been shown the TARDIS interior yet; I want to see it. Oh, and they haven't established an actual companion other than Liz, but Liz belongs with UNIT; she already has a job. Even if he could go travelling around, and he invited her to come with him, he wouldn't be able to control the TARDIS and get her back exactly where he wanted; Ian and Barbara were very lucky. And if someone does become his companion on Earth, are they technically called a companion if they don't travel in the TARDIS anymore?
Me: That's a very good point.
Hannah: So, to summarise: it's a great story, but they skipped out a few things. It feels like a film, not just because of the way it was recorded but also because you can tell they're not in a studio; it's shot inside proper buildings, real locations with ceilings and things. The Autons are terrifying creatures... really terrifying, and very effective, especially for someone like me who can't stand that kind of thing. I liked the old man, and the glowy orbs are very pretty. And I'm glad the lady didn't die.
Me: She could have died from internal injuries later.
Hannah: The Autons really should have shot her anyway. And does UNIT never think about finding the missing man, the one who got disintegrated? They just think he ran off? They could have done a lot more with this story, so I'm going to give it...

7/10

Hannah: It's an excellent concept, but an anti-climactic ending.
Me: What do you think of Robert Holmes now?
Hannah: Okay, he can write... that story, at least. His other two stories were awful, but he's redeemed himself with this one.
Me: So you like him now?
Hannah: No! Anyone who can come up with that other drivel is just very lucky that they've been able to produce something else. He was probably helped a lot by the fact that the budget was a bit better and it was in colour.

Later that night, we watch the DVD's making-of documentary and something completely unexpected happens.

Hannah: How much Quatermass is there?
Me: Four series. Five if you count the remake with Jason Flemyng and David Tennant.
Hannah: Can we watch it? It sounds interesting.
Me: I'll put the Blu-ray on my Christmas list.