The War Machines

Episode 1

The last story of the third season is a refreshing change of pace for a number of reasons. For one thing...

Hannah: Real episodes!

The story title is displayed in giant computer-lettering, which is so big that the last word needs to be split over two lines.

Hannah: What are they doing? "The War Mach Ines". Interesting.
Me: It's only the second story with an overall title, so they're still experimenting with the style.
Hannah: It's relevant to this story, I assume.

The TARDIS arrives in Fitzroy Square. Hannah is gobsmacked.

Hannah: How's he done that, then?
Me: What?
Hannah: How did he get them back to sixties Britain? This appears to be sixties Britain.
Me: Yes, it's the first modern-day story. Well, actually the first modern-day story was Planet of Giants but it features a shrunken TARDIS crew that doesn't interact with any other characters, so most people tend to skip over it and acknowledge this as the first instead.
Hannah: So this is the first proper contemporary sci-fi story. Very exciting.

To Hannah's obvious delight, the Doctor places an "out of order" sign on the TARDIS door ("So he does sometimes learn!") before noticing a newly-erected but very familiar landmark.

Hannah: Is that the BT Tower?
Me: It is now, but it was originally the Post Office Tower.
Hannah: He's sniffing aliens? Oh, now he can feel the presence of Daleks? Is this the first time that Daleks have interfered in modern times? It feels very modern Who-ish to me, now that the Daleks have sneaked into a human organisation and built something.
Me: This is the modern show, pretty much; it's a sci-fi story set in contemporary London. It becomes a standard of the series later, but this is the very first time it happens.
Hannah: I'm liking the new style, it's just weird that this is the first time he's started wigging out because he can sense Daleks. Is it some weird Time Lord intuition thing?

The Doctor and Dodo somehow manage to casually walk straight into the laboratory on the top floor and discover that Professor Brett has created the ultimate supercomputer, WOTAN.

Hannah: What a waste of paper; it's printing out a six-digit answer on a whole sheet of A4. You know what this reminds me of? The Discworld computer, Hex. Out of cheese error!

The professor's secretary Polly takes Dodo to "the hottest nightspot in town," the Inferno nightclub, and Hannah's senses are immediately assaulted with an explosion of fab and groovy stock music.

Hannah: Well, this seems completely out of place! Did somebody complain that it wasn't "in touch" enough?
Me: It's 1966! We're in contemporary London at the beginning of the Swinging Sixties; this is when the cultural revolution started happening.
Hannah: It actually does make sense, because it makes the story feel closer to home and more relevant. It's scarier having a threat in modern times. So it's not the Daleks that he was sensing earlier, but something else has still spooked him?
Me: How do you know it's not the Daleks? It would fit the title.
Hannah: Polly seems strangely important in this.
Me: That's Anneke Wills; she was married to Michael Gough at the time, who you may remember from The Celestial Toymaker.
Hannah: I feel like there's an age difference.
Me: About 25 years. He encouraged her to do this because he had so much fun playing the Toymaker.
Hannah: Ah, that's nice.

When Polly and Dodo's new friend Ben gets into a fight with one of the rowdy clubbers, Hannah is impressed with the choreography for a change.

Hannah: Nice. Not too shit. There's no hesitation; usually they do it slowly to avoid hitting each other. The two actors are really good. Wait a minute, the Doctor took a taxi?
Me: Yes?
Hannah: And he paid for it?!
Me: Why wouldn't he pay for it?
Hannah: He doesn't have money!

The Doctor stops off at the Royal Scientific Club, where Sir Charles Summer informs us that WOTAN operates itself without any human input; Hannah finds it odd that this is supposed to be reassuring ("I'm much more disturbed by that!"), especially when she realises that it can hypnotise the scientists in Brett's office. WOTAN believes humans are incapable of running the planet, a point of view to which I can readily relate.

The Doctor entered the nightclub in search of Dodo and the bar staff immediately start digging his fab gear; Hannah responds with the most disbelieving expression I've ever seen since we started this project. And that's really saying something.

Hannah: What?! "He looks like a disc jockey"?!
Me: "He looks like that disc jockey." A particular one, not disc jockeys in general.
Hannah: Which one?
Me: Jimmy Savile, presumably.
Hannah: Ah... okay.
Me: Yes, probably best if we don't get into that.

And then we come to the moment I've been waiting for. Dodo is hypnotised by WOTAN and receives her instructions: "Doctor Who is required. Bring him here." I turn to Hannah, expecting her to erupt with apoplectic fury, but we segue into the credits without so much as a raised eyebrow.

Hannah: One of the characters was called Flash.
Me: Okay... not... you're not going to comment on what just happened?
Hannah: Why? What just happened?
Me: Weren't you listening to what he said?
Hannah: I didn't hear the last bit; I only heard him say "Doctor Who is required."
Me: ...
Hannah: What?
Me: You're not interested that they're calling him "Doctor Who", then?
Hannah: No.
Me: Okay, great.
Hannah: It's happened before.
Me: That's the first time he's ever been called "Doctor Who" on-screen, apart from in the credits.
Hannah: Really?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: Does it matter?

Episode 2

Hannah: Maybe WOTAN is asking one of the scientists "Doctor, who is required?".
Me: I'm sure that must be it.
Hannah: WOTAN wants to create new machines that are portable and have their own power unit included. So basically they need him to help invent the laptop.

Their first attempt to recruit him to the cause is not an unqualified success, and basically amounts to Dodo trying to guide him towards two men who are waiting across the road with a bottle and a cloth. Meanwhile, in a nearby warehouse, WOTAN's new "mobile computers" are already in production.

Hannah: I love how he just casually proffered a bottle of chloroform in the middle of the street. How have they already gathered everything they need to build these War Machines? Oh, and all the crates have got a "W" printed on them! A "WOTAN" logo! They've organised that very quickly. There's no way they got all this stuff together in less than one night.
Me: Astonishing, isn't it? It only takes the Post Office a few hours to build an army of war machines capable of world domination, but it took them five days to deliver my Father's Day card by first-class post.
Hannah: Oh, no.
Me: What's wrong?
Hannah: It's got spiky whisks. It's got four arms, and two of them are spiky whisks.

The workers even manage to take time out of their busy schedule to murder a local tramp ("Poor tramp"), whose death is somehow momentous enough to make the pages of the morning newspaper. After WOTAN fails to condition the Doctor over the phone (and thoroughly disturbs Hannah with the accompanying music) the Doctor expertly deprograms Dodo, wipes her memory of the whole ordeal, and sends her away to recover in Sir Charles' house in the countryside. Having achieved all this, he stops to wonder what Dodo knew about WOTAN's plan.

Hannah: Too late, you've already put her to sleep. Isn't it better to keep her memory, so that he can get information and know exactly who or what he's up against?

When WOTAN's pet project is finally unveiled, Hannah is even less impressed than before; as far as she's concerned it's nothing more than a bigger and bulkier version of a Dalek, gliding around with its waving arms and whisk-shaped guns.

Hannah: It's a tank with arms. I wonder where I've seen that kind of design before.
Me: Surely most tanks are armed?
Hannah: Ha. No, it's a small portable tank with arms.
Me: A portable tank? As opposed to what, a fish tank?
Hannah: It looks silly. Clumsy, inefficient, slow and hard to manoeuvre. What is it doing? It's just knocking into everything!

During the credits, Hannah gets to play her favourite game.

Hannah: Is Dodo going to be on holiday next week?
Me: I genuinely don't know how to answer that.

Episode 3

Me: I can tell you're impressed with the War Machines.
Hannah: Bollocks. They're careening around all over the place like drunk toddlers.
Me: When was the last time you saw a drunk toddler?
Hannah: A video on YouTube. Although to be honest I think it was just a toddler.

While the Doctor and Sir Charles await Ben's return ("There's all kinds of bad things happening, and he's sitting there drinking?") and a truckload of army soldiers prepare to tackle the War Machines ("Aww, what a big radio!"), the hypnotised Polly is starting to question her conditioning.

Hannah: Why is it that always one of the main characters that manages to break their programming? It's never one of the other random guys who thinks "maybe I shouldn't be doing this" and just leaves.
Me: I think the main characters are supposed to be made of stronger stuff.
Hannah: They're just people.

The battle in Covent Garden shows that the soldiers' weapons are predictably useless against War Machine 3, although the War Machine's weaponry doesn't look any more formidable.

Hannah: Look at him, firing his smoke-whisk.
Me: They're hardly likely to fire actual ammunition around all these crates of explosives, are they?
Hannah: Maybe they're just fire extinguishers and the War Machines are being misunderstood. Why do they keep crashing into all these piles of empty boxes? Are they not dramatic enough by themselves? They've got mallets for arms - which are only really useful for crushing things - and they've got the fire extinguisher whisks. Two mallets and two smoky whisks.

The episode ends with one of the all-time great dramatic cliffhangers: everyone decides to make a hasty strategic withdrawal except the Doctor, who stands his ground to face the War Machine alone.

Hannah: Uh... Doctor? You wanna, like, run? No?

Episode 4

Hannah: That's just blatant vandalism.

Either the War Machines are very keen on wanton destruction, or the props are so cumbersome that the production team can't steer them properly.

Hannah: It's like a cowboy, shooting its guns into the air. It really doesn't like telephone boxes, does it?

Luckily we have Kenneth Kendall to bring some much-needed credibility to the proceedings.

Hannah: Is this a real television newsreader?
Me: Yes, he's the first celebrity ever to play themselves in Doctor Who. He also plays the BBC announcer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Speaking of things whose origin and purpose are still a total mystery, the War Machine is surrounded by a magnetic field when it trundles straight into the Doctor's blindingly obvious trap.

Hannah: It's a silly robot in a boxing ring.

The Doctor reprograms the War Machine to enter Brett's office and destroy HAL (excuse me, "WOTAN"), almost killing Polly in the process. Presumably most of the scientists weren't so lucky.

Hannah: It feels a little bit anticlimactic; the Doctor just tinkered with a robot and sent it in. He didn't have to have a heart-to-heart with WOTAN.
Me: "A heart-to-heart with WOTAN"?
Hannah: Yeah, the Doctor often likes to try and talk his enemies down before he destroys them.
Me: It's a computer; what do you want him to say?
Hannah: It's a sentient computer! It would have been nice for them to have a little talk, even if it was just: "I'm the Doctor, what do you want?" "Everything." "Well, you can't have that, and I'm going to stop you." It seems like a bit of an abrupt way to defeat something that was going to take over the world.

The Doctor returns to the TARDIS now that everything has been resolved. Well, almost.

Hannah: So where is Dodo? She was on holiday... wasn't she? Is she not coming back?

Ben and Polly bring the Doctor a message from Dodo; she's decided to stay behind in London.

Hannah: That's not a proper goodbye! She left in the middle of a story?
Me: Yep. Episode 2 was the last you'll ever see of her.
Hannah: In the middle of a story? Why would you not even say goodbye?
Me: It's not the only abrupt departure in the series, but it's the worst offender by a country mile.

But it's okay, because Ben and Polly end up boarding the TARDIS when he's not looking.

Hannah: Has he left again without realising that they've come on board? That's just... why doesn't he just ask people if they'd like to come with him?

The Score

Hannah: I like the new style. I don't know how I feel about WOTAN; he was obviously a bit rubbish if he can be defeated by a handful of people. And as for the War Machines themselves, I can't even begin to say just how rubbish they are; I don't see how he was ever going to take over the world with those. So there are lots of good elements, but overall there was a little bit too much running around and not doing much, with a slightly weak ending.

7/10

The Savages

Episode 1

Hannah: I miss the individual episode titles.

We're not even three minutes into the first episode before Hannah's archaeological sensibilities are affronted once again, this time by Dodo's suggestion that the people of the stone age were savages.

Hannah: They weren't savages! They had culture and things!

I always enjoy it when she inadvertently gets to the core of the story right at the very beginning.

The Doctor walks up to the city so that he can make some calculations with his Reacting Vibrator ("His what?!") but instead meets the city Elders, who have been following his exploits and have already anticipated the arrival of "the Traveller from Beyond Time". This is particularly impressive when you consider that the Doctor himself has no idea where he's going.

Hannah: I don't see how they could predict that he would arrive. Sounds like bollocks to me. But I like the idea of a group of people that already knows who he is before they've met him, so that he arrives somewhere where he already has a reputation.
Me: They're essentially watching his adventures on television, so maybe they're the in-universe equivalent of Doctor Who fans. Except, you know, civilised.
Hannah: Are Doctor Who fans not civilised, as a rule?
Me: They're mostly okay, as long as you stay away from social media. I've had to stop reading the official Facebook page because the user comments are so cancerous.

Their leader Jano is keen to show his celebrity guest just how civilised the Elders are (in contrast to the savages living outside of the city), so he gifts Steven and Dodo with an ornate dagger and a diamond-encrusted mirror. Dodo excitedly remarks that the diamonds are genuine.

Hannah: How can she tell? As Dave Gorman teaches us on Modern Life is Goodish, you can't identify a real diamond without specialist equipment. Or by holding it against a piece of newsprint.
Me: Well, considering none of these episodes actually exist anymore, we can't tell what's going on. For all you know she could have picked up a newspaper in Tombstone.
Hannah: Those helmets look useless, by the way. Whose idea was it to give the city guards some protective headgear that doesn't even cover their heads?

Hannah, genre-savvy as ever, is convinced there's some corruption at work in this ostensibly perfect civilisation, but the Elders are reluctant to discuss their secret.

Hannah: It ruins the mystique a little when people are being so openly dodgy about the subject. Is it a drug, or something? A drug that increases their brain power, to the detriment of something else?

Then...

Hannah: Ah, they're like vampires. They suck the life energy out of the savages and absorb it into themselves. Then the extra energy turns the brain up, and they can use more of their intellect to achieve clever things that no one else has done before.
Me: You don't sound very impressed.
Hannah: I've read other stories like that.

The cliffhanger, in which Dodo wanders away from the guided tour and discovers one of the poor discarded savages lurching down the corridor, looks like something from a horror film. At least, that's what we assume it looks like.

Hannah: It's shrivelled like a zombie. I like this story. It's my kind of sci-fi.
Me: In what way?
Hannah: A colony that's so-called perfect, but with a horrible dark secret beneath it all. It's a lot like some episodes of modern Doctor Who in many ways, like "New Earth" or "The Beast Below". Perfection with an evil undercurrent.

Episode 2

The soundtrack feels a lot more atmospheric than usual; the string music for these episodes sounds completely unlike any of the incidental music we've heard in the series thus far.

Hannah: I'm liking the music in this. It's a lot more intense and emotional.

Hannah is disappointed that the Doctor doesn't seem too worried about Dodo's disappearance ("He has more interest in science than people sometimes"), although she's rather callous herself when a laboratory technician fluffs his line.

Hannah: Sack him.
Me: Sack him?
Hannah: Yeah. Fumble McFumbles.

In fact she hasn't been too impressed with the Doctor's behaviour in general; he's been "annoyingly aloof" from the beginning, ignoring the concerns of his companions and refusing to listen either when Dodo goes missing or when she returns shortly afterwards in a state of distress. It comes as a huge relief to find that he's equally suspicious of this "wonderful civilisation" and has been staying on the right side of his hosts while he worked out what was going on.

Hannah: So now they have a perfect opportunity to just go back to the TARDIS and leave.
Me: Except they're not going to want to leave if they know something's up.
Hannah: Exactly. That's why they can leave. Story-wise there always needs a reason for them to have to stay, and it's either because they can't or because they don't want to. They're staying because it's the right thing to do.
Me: We've come a long way since the morally-ambiguous Doctor of the early days. Three years ago the writers would have needed to cut him off from the TARDIS to get him to stick around and help.

For a story that doesn't often receive too much attention, Hannah seems even more engaged with it than usual.

Hannah: I like the pace that things are revealed; it's always a sign of good writing when the storyline keeps you curious but also doesn't keep you painfully in the dark for too long.

The Doctor makes an impassioned appeal to the Elders.

Hannah: Why is he calling himself a human?
Me: He's probably just speaking figuratively.
Hannah: Jano doesn't seem to appreciate being compared to the Daleks. He should be flattered that he's in such esteemed company.

Inevitably, the Doctor's plea only results in him being taken away to have his own life-force extracted.

Hannah: I wonder if he's going to break the machine. By being too shiny.
Me: Too shiny?
Hannah: Yeah. He's full of life-force. Lots of it! He's a Time Lord, he's not human. Maybe this won't work.

As the Doctor undergoes the procedure it's obvious that the episode is building up to a climax, but it's clearly not in any hurry to get there.

Hannah: It's a long cliffhanger!

Then, two seconds later...

Hannah: There we go.

Episode 3

Hannah: The choices people are making throughout the story seem to be less stupid than usual.

Jano is now planning to perform the same operation on Steven and Dodo, once he's transferred the Doctor's life-force into himself.

Hannah: Greedy bastards.

Hannah is uncomfortable when one of the savages, Tor, tells Steven and Dodo that the Doctor has been "used" ("Such a dirty word"), but she's downright livid when an enemy guard asks Tor where our heroes are hiding and he accidentally gives away their location by glancing towards it.

Hannah: Well, it's all his fault then. He looked at the cave. They wouldn't have gone in there if he hadn't been loitering around and given them away. I would have pretended to give them away, sent the guard down the wrong tunnel, and then crept up behind him in the dark and knocked him out; it's not like his helmet would have done any good.
Me: You're very sneaky.
Hannah: Yes. I'm also not stupid.

As luck would have it, Dodo's new mirror works nicely against their light guns.

Hannah: Very handy that she was given a mirror as a present. Almost as if this was always going to happen.
Me: I do love a good Chekhov's Gun.
Hannah: I like the way the script emphasises how human the savages are, showing that they're capable of great buildings and art; it makes their usage by the Elders all the more abhorrent. It's just a shame they've jumped to calling the strangers "gods" as soon as Steven proves the guards can be successfully defeated.

Meanwhile, Jano isn't quite feeling himself; it looks like the transference hasn't quite gone according to plan.

Hannah: Has his brain been fried?

But it's even better than that: he starts doing a spot-on impersonation of William Hartnell.

Hannah: Hmmm.

Predictably, this is our main talking point after the episode ends.

Hannah: So even though he's talking as if he were the Doctor, he hasn't actually stolen the Doctor out of his head?
Me: The Doctor's mind and body are still intact, they just took some of his life-force from him. It's like giving blood; you take blood out of someone and give it to someone else, and then the donor's body replaces the missing plasma and red blood cells. Normally the same thing happens with the life-force; it's removed from the savages to give to the Elders, and then the savages eventually recover.
Hannah: And the Elders aren't at all disturbed by the fact that they suddenly get the memories and personalities of the savages?
Me: That bit doesn't normally happen. That's the point.
Hannah: That's what I'm saying, I thought perhaps they had accidentally stolen the Doctor's soul this time because he's different.
Me: Not stolen, exactly, it's just that they've never done it to a Time Lord before, so it's having this unforeseen side-effect. Although obviously the concept of a Time Lord still hasn't been invented yet.
Hannah: So his life essence is a bit different and has started making them talk funny?

Episode 4

Hannah: He's very good at imitating the Doctor. Pity we can't see the action.
Me: Yes, he's got exactly the right speech pattern and mannerisms and everything.

Jano starts giving orders to the guards and Hannah briefly wonders whether he's gone back to normal, but we later find out that he hasn't just absorbed the Doctor's intellect; he's also received a permanent sense of conscience.

Hannah: Does this mean that not a single one of the Elders or guards has a conscience at all? They're completely happy to go along with the idea that the savages are basically sub-humans?
Me: I believe the original idea was for this story to be a parable about apartheid-era South Africa, so I think we're supposed to assume that it's a sort of institutionalised discrimination.
Hannah: Even at the time of apartheid there were people who disagreed with it.
Me: It wasn't enough, though, was it? Apartheid lasted for over 40 years.
Hannah: But I find it a little bit questionable that not a single person ever has tried to go against this system. Either that or they've been very unsuccessful.

Having shown Jano a better way of life, the Doctor decides to forgo diplomacy in favour of sheer brute force and he cheerfully joins Jano and the savages in smashing up the laboratory.

Hannah: They could just rebuild it, though. What they need to do is find and destroy the blueprints, wipe the data from the computer, and hope that nobody remembers enough to rebuild it. I'd like to see all this savage violence.

It looks like the Elders and the savages are on the verge of peace, but they need a mediator to smooth things over.

Hannah: I bet they turn to the Doctor and find that he's gone. It's always the way. The Doctor will start something, but he won't stay and finish it. He can't be expected to lead everybody and show them all the way.

Then I feel her starting to squeeze my hand when she realises what's happening.

Hannah: No, I like Steven! I can see what's happening here! I really like him. He's possibly my favourite companion so far, as an individual. Ian and Barbara together are a good pair, but individually, Steven is my favourite.

Thankfully, some fragments of Steven's departure exist on Super 8 film, and we get to see the Doctor shaking his hand and saying goodbye.

Hannah: It's nice to see people actually being able to say goodbye to each other. Sometimes it feels too quick.

After Steven walks away for the very last time, we get a bittersweet exchange between the Doctor and Dodo as they return to the TARDIS.

Hannah: Oh, it didn't have a eulogy.
Me: A eulogy?
Hannah: Yeah, the Doctor always says something nice. Well, I wasn't expecting him to leave. I suppose he's a good person for them to choose, but I'm trying to work out whether or not Steven really would have chosen to stay. Wasn't he happy going around with the Doctor? I know he's found somewhere he's wanted, but he's still a bit of a prisoner.
Me: He was already a prisoner when they first picked him up in The Chase, so I don't suppose he's too worried about it.
Hannah: Anyway, I think that ended quite well. And it's even better because usually the Doctor just walks away from things and says "Hopefully you can rebuild your civilisation, we're leaving now." Whereas in this situation, everything has changed and they're sort of responsible for it, so it's good to see them following through with something.

The Score

Hannah: Well. I love that kind of sci-fi story, where it's a perfect civilisation but you know there's something going on underneath, and then they uncover some kind of morally-corrupt problem and fix it. It had a good ending and I'm sad that Steven's gone, but they did it well and at least he got to say goodbye. I feel a little bit uncertain because we couldn't see any of the action, so I don't know what the story deserves. But if I'm judging it on what I can see, I really enjoyed it and couldn't find anything too wrong with it. I genuinely feel like there's no reason not to give it...

10/10

Wow. Our first perfect score. And to a story that doesn't even exist anymore!

The Gunfighters

A Holiday for the Doctor [Episode 1]

We're in Tombstone, Arizona, 1881. Hannah can see where this is heading but she knows very little about the historical event, having turned down my offer to show her the 1957 John Sturges film Gunfight at the O.K. Corral earlier in the week. Fair enough; who needs a hit film from the director of The Magnificent Seven when you could be watching the first ever TV western made by the BBC?

Hannah: The Doctor almost looks dressed for the period.
Me: This is exactly the period he's dressed for; Hartnell's costume has a late-Victorian look.
Hannah: This is ancient history for Steven.

We open with a song. "The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon" plays at intervals throughout the story, providing a linking narration in the style of a western ballad. Personally I love it, and I've never understood the objections that it sometimes receives; it enhances the atmosphere of the western setting, and it's an interesting and unique narrative device for the programme. But what will Hannah think?

Me: What do you think of the linking narration? It's sung by Linda Baron from Open All Hours.
Hannah: I like it.

Phew.

After getting a toothache at the end of the previous episode, the Doctor is in search of a dentist and just happens to come across Doc Holliday's surgery.

Hannah: What a coincidence, he's a dental doctor.
Me: Yes, that's historically accurate.
Hannah: I mean it's a coincidence that the Doctor happens to come here just when he needs a dentist. It's also very lucky that he's arrived somewhere with a humanoid dentist who knows the anatomy, as well. What if the TARDIS just randomly takes you to places with no humanoids for ages, while your toothache keeps getting worse?
Me: Oh, I don't know; based on the last three years, the chances of the TARDIS randomly arriving on Earth seem to be pretty good.

The Doctor is happy to confront Daleks and demigods but he's terrified of a trip to the dentist, and the look on his face as he braces himself for the extraction shows a side of Hartnell's Doctor that we've never seen before.

Hannah: Awww! Poor Doctor.

Meanwhile, the Clanton Brothers and their hired gunslinger Seth Harper are in town to take revenge on Doc Holliday; the Doctor, of course, gets caught in the middle of their vendetta.

Hannah: I love how they just get mixed up in anything, anywhere.

But when the Clantons force Steven and Dodo to perform a musical routine at gunpoint, we find that Hannah can only suspend so much disbelief.

Hannah: They're very lucky that she can actually play the piano. And that he's able to sing perfectly, just by sight-reading the sheet music for the first time. It was all going so well until then, and then it became improbable.

I thought we'd already bypassed "improbable" in the previous story, but apparently not.

After the credits, and once Hannah has gotten over her initial surprise that the ballad was an original song written for this production (some of the verses in the next three episodes would be an impressive coincidence otherwise), she turns her attention to the story's biggest weakness.

Hannah: The accents are very annoying. Obviously I don't know what the authentic accents would have sounded like, but I doubt they'd sound like this. Very annoying. Little bit grating.
Me: You can't have everything. Mary Poppins had already been released a couple of years earlier, so try thinking of it as our response to Dick Van Dyke.
Hannah: Fair enough.

Don't Shoot the Pianist [Episode 2]

Hannah's credulity is stretched even further when Steven takes over the piano duties.

Hannah: So, will this astronaut from the distant future be able to play the piano? Oh, apparently he can! Do they even have pianos anymore?
Me: Maybe it's a pianola? It would explain why their hand movements aren't matching any of the notes.
Hannah: Then why do they need a piano player at all? The Doctor just happens to have picked up two people who know how to play the piano incredibly well. It's not impossible, but it seems extremely unlikely that two companions picked up from very different parts of time and space would coincidentally both have these musical skills.

She doesn't seem to know how seriously she should be taking this story. Fortunately, this is clarified nicely when the Doctor finally shows up and Seth Harper tells him that he won't be leaving town, prompting the entire Clanton gang to lean forward and collectively say "Alive, that is."

Hannah: Is this supposed to be a comedy?
Me: Yes, it's yet another comedy historical. It's written by Donald Cotton, the same writer who did The Myth Makers.

Given her mixed feelings about that story (not to mention The Romans), I'm wondering how she's going to react to this information. Thankfully, she seems to be okay with it.

Me: Would it surprise you to learn that this story used to have a reputation as the worst Doctor Who adventure of all time?
Hannah: It does surprise me, because it's not that bad.
Me: It's one of my favourites, and certainly one of my top Hartnells. A couple of fans wrote a review of this story in the eighties, back when hardly anyone had seen the older ones, and called it the worst Doctor Who story ever; these are the same people who called The Celestial Toymaker a lost classic, if that tells you anything. Thankfully most people know better these days, now that everyone can see it for themselves.
Hannah: It's captivating. It's a well-acted, interesting story.

The highlight of the story is Hartnell's performance; he has some very funny lines, and he's clearly enjoying himself immensely. My favourite part of the whole adventure is his response to the Clanton Brothers introducing themselves, while Hannah particularly enjoys his complaint that "people keep giving me guns and I do wish they wouldn't" ("That's very Doctor-y").

Hannah: I do actually find the song annoying.
Me: You said you liked it last time!
Hannah: It's a good idea; it's an interesting device and adds another layer to the episodes. But it's annoying.

Never mind. I'll settle for that.

Me: So how do you think this compares to other sci-fi comedy westerns?
Hannah: Like what?
Me: Well, there's Back to the Future: Part III, there's that episode of Red Dwarf...
Hannah: I don't remember much about the Red Dwarf episode.
Me: "Gunmen of the Apocalypse" won an International Emmy Award, you know.
Hannah: And how many awards did this win?
Me: The same number as Carry On Cowboy.

Johnny Ringo [Episode 3]

Hannah: People are dying left, right and centre, but weirdly there's no real sense of danger. I didn't even feel worried when Steven had his head in a noose. It feels odd that there's a sense of light-heartedness at the same time as being dark.

I don't ever bother trying to point out that the director's daughter Jane Tucker (from Rod, Jane and Freddy) appears in the mob scene, because Hannah never watched Rainbow as a child. I've tried to get my head around this, but frankly it just doesn't bear thinking about.

Hannah: The Doctor still keeps calling Wyatt Earp "Mr Werp". Is that on purpose?
Me: Yes.
Hannah: Why?
Me: It's a running joke.
Hannah: Steven even picks up on it, but the Doctor never corrects himself; usually he calls people the wrong name once or twice, but this is continuous. And how are we spelling that? "Wearp"? "Wurp"?

After the mob has broken up, accompanied by what Hannah regards as some of the ballad's more peculiar lyrics ("He's gone kind of mental"), she's expecting the plot to be neatly wrapped up.

Hannah: That felt like the end. Everything's fine now, all they have to do is get Dodo and go back to the TARDIS. What could possibly stop them?
Me: Well, the fact that they haven't got Dodo.
Hannah: Ah. That'll be it, then.
Me: And also that we've spent three episodes building up to a shootout that hasn't happened yet.
Hannah: I was genuinely thinking this story could have ended now; I'd completely forgotten that Doc Holliday had run away from town and taken Dodo.

As the cliffhanger sets up the inevitable finale, Hannah seems strangely quiet.

Me: Are you alright?
Hannah: I was thinking about cowboy hats.

The OK Corral [Episode 4]

Hannah: Oh. I'd forgotten about this.
Me: What?
Hannah: The singing.
Me: Don't you think it adds to the atmosphere?
Hannah: Yes. Adds to the western theme.
Me: And it's unique in the history of Doctor Who. Even if I hated the song, I'd love the fact that they tried it.
Hannah: I love it as a concept. I don't like that style of song that much, that's all. It's not for me, but it works.
Me: It's not like I'd normally spend my time listening to Old West ballads either, but there's a time and place for everything.
Hannah: Why have the town marshals got two identical "wanted" posters in their office? Surely it would make sense to have different ones. I'm sure there's more than one person who's wanted.

When the legendary gunfight finally comes, there's a familiar sense of mood whiplash.

Me: It's like The Myth Makers; you get three episodes of light comedy, and then it turns all violent and brutal.
Hannah: They're all lousy shots.
Me: Maybe everyone's very good at dodging?
Hannah: They're just walking forwards and being shot at!
Me: I think the Earps are supposed to be better marksmen than the Clantons.
Hannah: Yeah, but they're facing off almost point-blank. There's no excuse for this.

I try to distract her by pointing out some notable historical inaccuracies in this story, but she's not having it.

Hannah: I don't care, I'm trying to get over the fact that nobody can shoot each other. They should all be out of bullets by now. Why is it taking so long?
Me: Historically the gunfight lasted about thirty seconds, but in dramatic terms it would be a bit boring if they all killed each other straight away.
Hannah: Well it's much more realistic. Are these guns so old and shit that nobody can fire in a straight line and hit anything that they're pointing at? Oh good, people are starting to actually die.
Me: It's called dramatic licence. You don't want a total anticlimax after two hours of story.
Hannah: That doesn't mean you have to give everyone the aim of a Stormtrooper.

As the time travellers prepare to leave, Dodo stops to listen to the ballad.

Hannah: Are they breaking the fourth wall and implying that they can hear their own narration song?
Me: No, that's coming from the saloon.
Hannah: Thank God for that.

Sadly, we've come to the end of an era.

Me: That was the last story with individual episode titles.
Hannah: It sounds more boring that way. The stories are still more than one episode each, right?
Me: Yes, but now the audience has some sense of the series being divided into specific adventures, rather than one continuous ongoing story.
Hannah: Great.

The Score

Hannah: I did like it, but I didn't like all of it. Certain things were good, but the accents were a little bit annoying. It's a nice balanced story; dark and gritty with some comedic elements. It's just the shit bits that I don't like.

8/10

Me: You're sure?
Hannah: It's fun, well-balanced, entertaining, mostly well-acted and well-directed. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because my tooth still hurts.
Me: You should see a dentist.
Hannah: Hilarious.

The Celestial Toymaker

The Celestial Toyroom [Episode 1]

Hannah: That's concerning.

That phrase could sum up a lot of my feelings about this story, but the cause of Hannah's concern here is that something extremely powerful has penetrated the safety barrier of the TARDIS. Only Dodo seems particularly anxious about what might be outside.

Hannah: She does make good points. She was all up for running around and doing stupid things last time, and now suddenly she's being all cautious because they don't know what's out there.
Me: Maybe it's just more scary now.
Hannah: But it makes sense that the Doctor's curiosity gets the better of him, and it's his fault that they're stuck.

The story's premise in a nutshell: our heroes are forced to play a series of deadly party games in the nursery-like realm of the Celestial Toymaker, which apparently exists outside of space and time.

Hannah: This is an interesting story. You would assume it's not likely that they'll actually lose the games, but maybe one or both of the companions could be lost. Are Steven and Dodo expendable to show the Doctor's flaws, like his curiosity and ego?

I think she may be overestimating how much narrative depth we're going to be getting out of this story.

Meanwhile, the Toymaker selects Steven and Dodo's opponents for the first game, but there's a problem.

Hannah: I don't like clowns!
Me: That's a shame.
Hannah: I don't really want to see this.

Dodo's verdict is that the Toymaker's surreal playroom "looks dead boring."

Hannah: No, it doesn't! She's weird.

Whilst we talk amongst ourselves about the correct pluralisation of "TARDIS" (Hannah favours "TARDI" but it's clearly "TARDISes"), it's time for Steven and Dodo to meet their opponents.

Hannah: NO! Not clowns!
Me: Would you find it worse if these episodes existed and you could see the clowns moving, or is it worse seeing them frozen in still images like this?
Hannah: I'm not sure.

One of the clowns presents Dodo with a bouquet of flowers, and a jet of water squirts her in the face.

Hannah: Hilarious.

Hannah has a theory about the Toymaker.

Hannah: I think he's a Time Lord, if he's able to affect TARDIS machinery. Or is he actually just magic?
Me: He's supposed to be like some kind of demigod. He's probably more powerful than a Time Lord if he can create entire worlds.
Hannah: I don't like those kinds of enemies because they're overpowered, and there's no way to beat him unless you play the game; you can't outwit him, you can't run, you can't trick him, it's just a god making you play games and you literally can't win unless you play by his rules. I don't like it when someone is so overpowered that there's no way to outsmart them, it just takes the fun out of it.
Me: You haven't even seen it yet.
Hannah: I've seen situations like this before.
Me: You never know, they might still find a way to outsmart him.
Hannah: Yeah, but within the parameters of the game that's set. So the Doctor has met him before, then? How did he escape the first time?

The Toymaker, by the way, is played by Michael Gough.

Me: He was Alfred in the Batman films in the eighties and nineties.
Hannah: Which I haven't seen.
Me: He also played Bertrand Russell in Wittgenstein, Derek Jarman's 1993 biography film about the life of Ludwig Wittgenstein.
Hannah: I certainly haven't seen that.
Me: Would you like to? We have it on DVD.
Hannah: No.

While Steven and Dodo play their own game, the Doctor has to play the Trilogic Game (a version of the Tower of Hanoi puzzle).

Hannah: Arin was able to do this in an episode of Game Grumps, so I'm hoping the Doctor can.
Me: Well it can't be that hard if Arin was able to do it, he can't even play any of the Sonic the Hedgehog games properly.
Hannah: Well, he did a simplified version, anyway. The Doctor has to make 1,023 moves in this one and he's only got one attempt, so he's going to find it a lot harder.
Me: I bet he could still complete Sonic Mania with all seven Chaos Emeralds, though.

The female clown has an annoyingly squeaky voice.

Hannah: That's painful.
Me: That's Carmen Silvera.
Hannah: Who's that?
Me: She was in 'Allo 'Allo!.
Hannah: I saw half an episode once.
Me: She also appeared in one of the best episodes of Dad's Army, if that helps.

In a (literally) transparent attempt to write William Hartnell out of the remainder of the story, the Doctor is rendered invisible again except for one hand.

Hannah: That's creepy. I don't really know why.
Me: It may have something to do with the fact that his disembodied hand is still playing the game.

Steven and Dodo also have a significant disadvantage.

Hannah: Does it actually say anywhere that they have to keep the blindfold on? Why doesn't Steven just take it off? If the clowns can cheat, he can cheat.
Me: They're playing blind man's buff; I think you're supposed to take it for granted that you can't remove the blindfold.
Hannah: I thought that was a different game? I thought that was running around trying to catch people?
Me: Well, yeah, you don't tend to swing from ropes like this when you play it at children's parties.
Hannah: Exactly. It's not usually an obstacle course.

The good news for Hannah is that we're done with clowns for the time being; the bad news is that the next episode promises something else that she finds even more disturbing.

Hannah: Oh, "Hall of Dolls". Sounds like there's going to be more horrible things for me to look at that I don't like.

The Hall of Dolls [Episode 2]

Steven and Dodo's opponents for this episode are the King and Queen of Hearts, and something about them seems eerily familiar. For a moment, it looks like Hannah may have spotted it.

Hannah: Is that somebody we know, dressed up as the King?
Me: Did you have anyone in mind?
Hannah: It sounds like the Doctor.
Me: No, it's the two clowns from the previous episode. If you lose one of the Toymaker's games you become one of his toys, so all the people Steven and Dodo meet in this story are played by the same handful of actors. These are people that have played the games before and are now being constantly resurrected as different characters by the Toymaker.
Hannah: Interesting concept; people stuck as toys forever. It's creepy, terrifying, and gives the episodes a sense of urgency.
Me: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

We eventually come to the point where the King is trying to choose which one of the dolls to pick up. The dialogue here is almost indistinguishable, and I probably shouldn't be drawing anyone's attention to it, but I just can't let it pass without comment.

Me: Now, listen carefully...
Hannah: (distastefully) Oooh.
Me: Yes.

The king has decided to play "eeny, meeny, miny, moe" to make his selection, but has regrettably opted for the version containing a racial slur (i.e. the n-word).

Hannah: Did other people notice that?
Me: The audio has been deliberately muffled on this copy of the recording, and it's been hidden on the official soundtrack CD by placing Peter Purves' narration over the top so that you can't hear it. But it's definitely there; it's officially a word that appears canonically in Doctor Who.
Hannah: Was it in the script? Or was the actor just improvising?
Me: The script just says "the King closes his eyes and eeny-meeny-miny-mos at them," so it looks like the actor interpreted it as reciting this version.
Hannah: Hmm. (after a long pause) The sixties were a different time.
Me: Not that different. It definitely wasn't an acceptable term even in 1966, in spite of all the people that still try to defend it as a product of its time.

The game involves throwing some life-sized dolls into a series of deadly chairs in order to identify the safe one. Sounds straightforward, right?

Hannah: I don't know why it's taking them so long. Just get on with it! How difficult is it to pick up a doll, throw it in a chair and try another one? There's no other obvious way to find the safe chair. Also, there aren't enough dolls, so how could anyone ever win unless their opponents sacrificed themselves?

Dodo agrees with this assessment, and takes her chances with one of the remaining chairs.

Hannah: She is foolish.

Having won the game, she seems surprised that their ordeal (and ours) still isn't over.

Hannah: They thought he'd only do two things? Idiot.

As with the previous cliffhanger, Steven and Dodo are presented with a riddle to tease the game for the next episode. In addition, the reconstruction we're watching also shows the riddle on-screen at the beginning of the credits sequence.

Hannah: It's not really a riddle this time. Just instructions.
Me: I wonder if the real episodes recapped each riddle in the credits like that.
Hannah: It would be interesting if they did, giving people an extra bit of cliffhanger to see if they could work it out by next week. But that wasn't a riddle, so there wasn't much point having it up there.
Me: What do you make of this so far?
Hannah: I like it, it's an engaging story. No one's annoying me very much.

The Dancing Floor [Episode 3]

Hannah: I don't like how overpowered the Toymaker is. But actually, it just goes to show that there's so much out there in space and time; you can't always come across a "normal" enemy and expect to simply beat them. Travelling in the TARDIS really is dangerous, beyond their imagination.

So what exactly does the Toymaker do with his god-level power? He makes Steven and Dodo spend an entire episode searching for a key, which has been hidden somewhere in a domestic kitchen.

Hannah: It doesn't really feel like a game. Also, throwing dolls on dangerous chairs didn't feel like a game either. At least the first one was an actual competition, where they had to walk from one end of the room to the other.
Me: Yes, what a great game that was.
Hannah: Whilst blindfolded.
Me: That still doesn't make it great television. We're not exactly talking Blue Planet here.
Hannah: Why did it take them so long to realise they had to find a key? It's a door with a giant keyhole, and the words clearly say "hunt the key."

As usual, there's something familiar about the Toymaker's representatives.

Me: Same two actors again.
Hannah: Of course.

This time their tactic is to stand around bickering with each other for what seems like an eternity. It's like being alone in a room with a married couple while they're having a vicious argument, and no less depressing to watch, so we end up trying to find distractions wherever we can.

Hannah: There are sultanas in the cupboard.

We can only watch nonplussed as chaos ensues in the kitchen. In the middle of the commotion Steven accosts a young troublemaker, Cyril, who slinks away and locks himself in the pantry.

Me: Do you ever wonder if we're really watching the same show that Peter Capaldi is in?
Hannah: Mmm.

When Dodo finally locates the key inside a pie (it must have been a steak and Yale pie), Hannah starts to worry about the fate of the Toymaker's players.

Hannah: It's sad, because obviously Steven and Dodo want to escape and win, but they must know that all these people are going to die when they lose.
Me: They get reborn each time they "die" anyway.
Hannah: So can they be rescued? Is there a real "them" right at the bottom?
Me: There used to be. Maybe not anymore. Who knows?
Hannah: And can the Toymaker not make them real again?
Me: Probably.

After a shaky start at the beginning of the previous story, Hannah seems to be gradually warming to the Doctor's newest companion.

Me: What do you think of Dodo now?
Hannah: She's not as stupid as she used to be. She's gotten very intelligent very quickly. Well, not very intelligent.

Hannah finds the jerky movements of the dancing dolls extremely disturbing, despite not being able to see them. Or maybe it's more vivid in our imaginations because we can't see them.

Hannah: Eurgh, creepy body control.
Me: Makes you glad you can't see them moving, doesn't it?
Hannah: It's not as creepy as the Doctor's disembodied hand. Is the Doctor on holiday, by the way?

After the Toymaker decides to make the Doctor completely invisible, he reminds the Doctor "you forget that I can see you, even if no one else can", although we can't see what the Doctor does to provoke this. Hannah has a theory.

Hannah: The Doctor is gesticulating wildly at him with his middle fingers.

The Toymaker is clearly as sick of Steven and Dodo's regular opponents as we are, so he retires them for the final game and deploys Cyril the mischievous schoolboy instead.

Hannah: What, like Dennis the Menace?
Me: More like Billy Bunter. Almost litigiously like Billy Bunter, in fact.
Hannah: Except he looks, what, 40? Oh, it's the knave again, from the last episode.

Once this interminable episode is finally over and the credits start rolling, Hannah notices something familiar about the name of the choreographer.

Hannah: Tutte Lemkow sounds familiar. I think he was mentioned in one of the documentaries.
Me: He was in Marco Polo, The Crusade and The Myth Makers playing a Mongol, an Arab and a Greek, as well as an Egyptian in Raiders of the Lost Ark; basically he specialises in playing vaguely foreign-looking characters. He's the one who keeps wearing that eyepatch.
Hannah: So he mostly plays Asian characters. Where's he from?
Me: Norway.
Hannah: What?

The Final Test [Episode 4]

Finally, a moving episode!

Me: Ready to see some live action?
Hannah: Yes. It's been hard to judge the direction and much of the set from the still images.
Me: Okay, if you want to judge it effectively on its directive skills, then... well, anyway, let's see.
Hannah: Why, what's wrong with it?
Me: I don't know, you tell me.
Hannah: You're saying it in a way that indicates there's something wrong with this episode.

The Toymaker has been constantly advancing the Doctor's game for him, skipping over several moves at a time.

Hannah: If he's just fast-forwarding each time, surely the computer knows that it's the correct sequence? How is it possible for the Doctor to get it wrong? Also, what was the point of having the Doctor complete that test when the Toymaker could just skip forward whenever he wanted? At what point would he have eventually fast-forward to the last move? What was the point of having the Doctor do anything?

As the Doctor approaches his final move, the Toymaker decides to restore him to normal.

Hannah: And he's back off holiday.

Meanwhile, Steven and Dodo's game of "TARDIS hopscotch" comes to an end when Cyril ends up electrocuting himself, and we're treated to an unsavoury glimpse of his remains.

Hannah: Oooh, that's not nice!

At last, our heroes have won their respective games and are finally reunited with the TARDIS.

Hannah: It can't be that easy.

Of course it isn't; there's still one move left in the Trilogic Game, and once the Doctor makes the final move, the Toymaker's realm will disappear with them inside it. The only solution is to somehow complete the game from within the TARDIS; fortunately Hannah has a solution.

Hannah: Remote-control grabber.

The Doctor's idea is, if anything, even more unlikely: he commands the game to skip to the final move, and the Toymaker is hoisted by his own petard.

Hannah: (laughing) He just imitated his voice? Is that it? That's how they... is the Doctor good at voices?
Me: I think this is the only time he's ever used the Mel Blanc skills, but there's an occasion when the Master does it later as well. Maybe it's a Time Lord thing.

The Doctor celebrates by helping himself to one of Cyril's sweets...

Hannah: No...

...and breaks a tooth, shortly before the title of the next episode appears on-screen.

Hannah: Did that say "A Hospital for the Doctor"?
Me: "A Holiday for the Doctor".
Hannah: Either those sweets were super-sour, or they were made of glass.
Me: Eating broken glass might be a step too far, even for Doctor Who.
Hannah: There are some very, very sick jokes out there.
Me: Like what?
Hannah: Like boiled sweets made out of glass.
Me: Does that even happen?
Hannah: It just feels like a thing that could happen.

The Score

Hannah: I liked it quite a lot. It was gripping.
Me: Good grief.
Hannah: Only because I like riddles, and I like watching other people solve them. Unfortunately it wasn't really as intelligent or witty as I was hoping it would be, because everything was just full of stupid dawdling and messing around. So it was a really good story idea, with this omnipotent toymaker controlling everything, but it's just a shame that it was so slow and silly. What do other people think about it?
Me: Not a lot; it's pretty universally disliked these days. It used to have a reputation as a lost classic until the final episode was discovered in the 1990s and everyone saw how cheap it looked. In theory it's a great story concept, but in practice it's just four episodes of Steven and Dodo playing some fairly tedious parlour games.
Hannah: Yes, badly, and with stupid distractions.
Me: And it's hard to get away from the fact that episode 3 is almost entirely about them searching for something in a kitchen.
Hannah: But I really do like the concept; I like the idea that there's someone out there who might beat the Doctor one day. Lots of little things were really, really good, but...
Me: But no big things.
Hannah: Overall, it just felt annoying and irritating. But I'm feeling generous on this one, because I was so enthralled by the concept.

7/10

The Ark

The Steel Sky [Episode 1]

I haven't told Hannah how many episodes are in this one; audiences in the sixties wouldn't have known how long each story would last, and the twist at the end of episode 2 only works if you're not expecting it to be a four-parter.

We're off to a shaky start when Dodo emerges from her first trip in the TARDIS, convinced that the jungle environment is part of Whipsnade Zoo and adamant that they couldn't be anywhere other than Earth. Hannah's initial reaction is the start of a trend that will continue throughout the episode.

Hannah: I hate her.

Even Steven seems exasperated with her. As if that wasn't bad enough, the Doctor's new companion also seems somewhat zoologically-challenged.

Hannah: Did she just call that a locust? That's clearly a mantis! Locusts look like grasshoppers.

Elsewhere, a criminal trial is taking place; Hannah watches the scene in silence, but the incredulity on her face speaks volumes.

Me: What?
Hannah: There's just so many things!
Me: Go on then.
Hannah: First of all, he's not wearing any trousers. I can see his pants. He's wearing budgie smugglers. Dark ones.
Me: Okay. Next?
Hannah: His sentence for being careless is to be miniaturised by "the minifier" - the minifier - for seven hundred years until he can no longer be a threat to anyone. Does minifying people make them long-lived?
Me: They're on a seven-hundred-year journey to escape the dying Earth and settle on a distant planet. These are the guardians who safeguard the Ark; the rest of the human race is miniaturised and kept in cold storage.
Hannah: So what are these guardians supposed to be doing? Everyone's just standing around wearing tassels.

She's been suspiciously quiet about their alien subordinates so far.

Me: What do you think of the Monoids?
Hannah: Interesting, because they've just got one big eye in the middle of their face where their mouth should be. But apparently they don't have a mouth, so they have to communicate with sign language instead.
Me: The actors are actually holding the eyeball in their mouths. To be honest I find it less distracting than their Beatles hairstyles.

Back at the zoo, it's time to discuss the elephant in the room. Monica the elephant is deliberately filmed in a way to resemble stock footage, and the director manages to convincingly fool the viewer right up until the moment when the Doctor and Dodo go up and start patting her. I turn to Hannah, expecting her to be suitably impressed.

Me: Look, it's actually there! They had an elephant in the studio!
Hannah: And? They've had horses before.
Me: It's not quite the same.

The travellers are surprised to find that the jungle has no sky, just a steel roof overhead.

Hannah: Of course, they didn't have things like the Eden Project back then. But they must have had zoos. She's already mentioned Whipsnade, but did they not have biomes?
Me: I'm not sure they had any biomes with a massive jungle inside a metal dome.
Hannah: What about botanical gardens inside a greenhouse?
Me: Not with Indian elephants wandering around inside them, no.

It turns out Dodo has been helping herself to clothes from the TARDIS wardrobe, another transgression that doesn't sit well with Hannah. When Dodo asks the Doctor if he's going to send her home, and he replies that he couldn't even if he wanted to, it doesn't occur to her to question this; in fact, she seems quite chipper about it.

Hannah: I really don't like people like that.
Me: Like what?
Hannah: People who ask a question and then don't listen to the answer.
Me: About quarter past eight.

This earns me a Look. It's okay, I'm used to it.

Hannah: The Monoids' sign language is too simplistic to be remotely useful. Mostly because they don't really have fingers.
Me: I don't suppose they've got very good depth perception, either.
Hannah: And yet they're still allowed to drive trucks.

The Monoids discover the TARDIS and raise the alarm, but it's not immediately clear where the noise is coming from, causing Hannah to briefly wonder if the Doctor has recently installed a burglar alarm. It's actually not a bad idea, especially if the TARDIS gets attacked by any aliens who are sensitive to loud noises; at the very least, it would have saved a lot of bother at the beginning of The Sensorites.

Hannah: I've always liked this concept. Spaceship habitat, doomed races, preserved life... it's been done a lot, but Doctor Who must have been one of the first.
Me: Apart from the Bible.
Hannah: I know, but I'm looking on a sci-fi level.

The Doctor estimates that the TARDIS must have jumped about 10 million years into the future.

Hannah: And everyone is still human-shaped and wearing awful clothes.

Even more bizarrely, they've commissioned a giant statue that takes seven hundred years to sculpt, due to be completed when they reach their destination. Talk about forward planning.

But it's all academic anyway because the crew have suddenly caught Dodo's common cold, a disease which they cured centuries ago and is now fatal because they have no natural resistance.

Hannah: Oh, they're all going to die of flu because of her. I knew I hated her.
Me: She's not having a good first trip.
Hannah: Good, I hope she dies.
Me: Maybe a little harsh?
Hannah: She's been really annoying, right from the start. I wonder if she'll ever calm down, and what horrible thing will have to occur to make that happen.

The Doctor's party are arrested by the deputy commander, whom Hannah describes as "a little bit mental."

Hannah: Horribly hammy. I mean it's a good story, but the acting is atrocious. The direction is bad; it's not subtle or creative. The story is interesting, but a lot of the time I'm just thinking "oh god, why couldn't you have made everything else decent?"

The Plague [Episode 2]

Hannah: It's weird when they re-film the cliffhanger reprise.
Me: Is it re-filmed?
Hannah: Yes. It's completely different. He gestured the first time, and also everyone else was a good couple of steps behind him.

We see a funeral procession for a dead Monoid, but it seems to be lacking a certain something.

Hannah: It completely ruins the moment, the fact that it's a man dressed up in a rubber alien suit driving the body away on a tiny little tuk tuk. A little airport scooter. But I do like the idea that they've brought a disease somewhere, it's always an interesting concept. I've never thought of that before; they're travelling to all these different planets and so far they've never accidentally given a disease to someone.
Me: To be fair, it doesn't look like the Doctor has ever considered it before either.
Hannah: It's like when white settlers went over to North America and wiped out whole settlements just by being there, because the native Americans didn't have any natural immunity to smallpox. And then, when the settlers realised what had happened, they deliberately gave them infected blankets so that the natives would all die out and they could take their land.

Astonishingly, we're told that the vaccine is a natural compound derived entirely from the membrane specimens of a lizard and an elephant.

Hannah: They're making a flu vaccine out of elephants?
Me: Looks like it. Do you know who's in this episode?
Hannah: Peter Purves.
Me: Yes, but we've also just seen Michael Sheard, most famous for playing the headmaster in Grange Hill.
Hannah: I didn't see that.
Me: I've never watched it either, and as far as I'm concerned his most prominent role was the German building site manager from the first series of Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, but he also appeared in The Empire Strikes Back as well as six Doctor Who stories across the sixties, seventies and eighties. Oh, and he played Adolf Hitler in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Hannah: Oh, okay.
Me: He's played Hitler an awful lot, come to think of it.

We also get to see the Earth going up in flames, in (presumably) the same event that Christopher Eccleston observes some forty years later.

Hannah: And a flap of skin will be watching.
Me: At least we don't have to hear Britney Spears this time.

Immediately after the TARDIS leaves, we get a glorious fifteen-second sequence of a Monoid slowly reversing his truck out of shot. It's so priceless that I can't even bring myself to have a go at defending it.

Hannah: That's just bad.

The TARDIS re-materialises in its next destination, as a lead-in to the next story.

Hannah: They're in another jungle?

Then she realises the twist: we're back on the Ark, and the story's not over yet.

Hannah: Aw, the TARDIS has taken them back to the same place in seven hundred years, so that they can see that everyone got on okay! Has the TARDIS broken, or is it bringing them back there on purpose?

The statue has now been completed, and Hannah can't help but notice that it has more hair and fewer eyes than she was expecting.

Hannah: I thought it was supposed to be a human head?
Me: It was.
Hannah: Ah. So there's been a Monoid uprising.

The Return [Episode 3]

Hannah isn't convinced that seven hundred years' worth of artistry have gone into that statue.

Hannah: It's got such a dumpy little head.

The Monoids have now found a way of speaking with the voice of Roy Skelton, and our heroes are arrested (again) and taken away to be imprisoned in the security kitchen.

Hannah: "Security kitchen"?
Me: Yes, I think that's probably my favourite phrase ever in Doctor Who.
Hannah: Perhaps the political bin room was full.

The Monoids are packing a boatload of resentment for being treated as "secondary beings" for so many centuries.

Hannah: I thought they were relatively equal before. It didn't seem like they were badly treated.
Me: It's been seven hundred years and a few dozen generations since then. A lot of other things may have happened.
Hannah: Seven hundred years for the true nature of humans to come through and oppress things.

They also refer to themselves by number, with the leader being known as "One".

Hannah: They don't have names?
Me: Not unless his name is Juan.
Hannah: I notice the fashion hasn't changed in seven hundred years.

As the Ark finally approaches its destination, the planet Refusis II, the Doctor and Dodo are dispatched to investigate the natives. Hannah isn't thrilled at the prospect of more invisible aliens (it's a bit soon after The Daleks' Master Plan), but at least it's a handy way of doing a non-humanoid race without having to make them look convincing. Not that you'd know it from the furnishings; she wearily observes all the distinctly terrestrial-looking doors, windows and dressing tables, until she realises that the Refusians have been making arrangements for the new settlers.

Hannah: Oh, that's why it looks all human! They made it for them! How very kind.

She's even more delighted to find that the security kitchen is capable of producing food just by dropping powder into a pot of water.

Hannah: (laughing) Magic chicken!
Me: Yep, just add water. It's about as retro as futuristic food can possibly get.

The episode concludes with the Doctor and Dodo facing the possibility that they may have to stay on the planet for the rest of their lives.

Hannah: Cliffhanger! Except it's not, because we know they don't.

The Bomb [Episode 4]

While I spend the episode eating brie and wondering how the Refusians manage to reproduce, Hannah picks apart the special effects on the Ark's launcher ships.

Hannah: I can see the strings.
Me: Is this what you're like when you watch Thunderbirds?
Hannah: Yes.

The scouting party consists of Monoids named Two, Three, and...

Hannah: Oh, he's Sixty-Three, is he? Redshirt.

Hannah is devastated when the Monoids kill their human lackey.

Hannah: Awww!
Me: What do you mean "awww"?
Hannah: Aw, he was so devoted.
Me: To the evil aliens.
Hannah: Yes! He was loyal. Ish.
Me: He wasn't loyal to his own people.
Hannah: And actually he did sell the Monoids out.

Before I can start probing too far into this moral maze, the Monoids' bomb is defused and the Refusians have forced both sides into a peace treaty. Then we get another TARDIS departure scene, although sadly not as unintentionally hilarious as last time.

Hannah: They're being driven off by a guardian this time, who looks a lot like the guy who played Lupin in Harry Potter.
Me: David Thewlis? He would have been about three years old here.
Hannah: I know, it looks just like him.

Back on board, Steven and Dodo have changed into some contemporary groovy gear in preparation for the next story.

Hannah: Oooh! Everyone's very sixties. I don't... eurgh.
Me: What do you mean, "eurgh"?
Hannah: I don't like the sixties.
Me: Oh, for heaven's sake.

The Score

Hannah: I've always liked that overall idea, an ark of people surviving, especially when there's more than one species that have to try and co-habit. It's almost always the case that the humans end up being bastards and enslaving people to some degree, and then get their comeuppance, but it usually ends with something along the lines of "you were justified but let's have peace, it's a much better idea." The only thing that's really wrong with it is that the Monoid costumes are so ridiculous that they couldn't walk; one guy even tripped over.
Me: Any thoughts on the story structure?
Hannah: I liked the second half a lot more than the first half; the first half was full of stupid people shouting a lot and not believing anything, which always annoys me.
Me: The idea of having the story in two halves is to see the cause and effect of what happens after the Doctor has gone. Normally he just solves a problem and then buggers off and doesn't stick around to see the long-term consequences of his interference, even though there could be all kinds of repercussions that are entirely his fault. It's something they've done a couple of times in the new series, like when Eccleston shuts down an evil news organisation and walks away thinking he's resolved everything, then comes back half a series later to find that his good deed has caused the decline of the human race and paved the way for a Dalek takeover.
Hannah: I like it, it makes you think more. Maybe it could have been longer - each segment was only two episodes long - but it's well-balanced the way it was, and it works. It's a nice neat little four-episode story, and I liked the twist.

8/10

The Massacre of St Bartholomew's Eve

War of God [Episode 1]

Another week, another missing story. The TARDIS materialises on a hot August day near the Rue de Béthisy in 1572.

Hannah: Oh, that's nice. My school looked like that. Almost exactly like that, except without the river. That kind of building, round the corner with a terrace.

The Doctor manages to identify the time and place by overhearing some nearby Huguenots.

Hannah: Ah, Gaston. Very French name.
Me: That's Eric Thompson, he wrote and narrated the English version of The Magic Roundabout. And he's also Emma Thompson's father.
Hannah: Oh, how lucky for the Doctor, they're in Paris.
Me: Yes, it went very well last time.
Hannah: No, he said he wanted to be in Paris so that he could go and visit someone.

So, while the Doctor goes to track down the local apothecary and discuss his germinology work, Steven falls in with the Huguenots at a neighbourhood tavern.

Hannah: I didn't realise the Protestant/Catholic thing was a big deal in other countries, although obviously it must have been; I only got taught about the Tudor era at school. Every year.
Me: Normally they choose periods of history that the audience would know quite well, but this is the one historical story where you're not supposed to know too much about what happens. It spoils the ending if you know what's coming.

In case you're wondering, I didn't tell her the story title. Not only does it give away the ending, but it's also factually inaccurate; the event actually took place on St Bartholomew's Day.

The apothecary fears the Abbot of Amboise's imminent arrival in Paris, and Hannah is intrigued when the Doctor leaves the shop after their chat, apparently having hatched some kind of plan to deal with the Abbot. Elsewhere in the city, a local servant girl is running frantically from her pursuers and is clearly terrified; Hannah's assessment of the situation is fascinating, even by her usual standards.

Hannah: There's lots of lovely lacework in this.

Anne ends up meeting Steven ("He gets into all kinds of trouble") while he waits for the Doctor, but by nightfall it becomes obvious that the Doctor has gone missing, although Hannah is too distracted by Anne's West Country accent to dwell on this for too long. Then the cliffhanger, in which we meet a very familiar looking Abbot of Amboise, takes her completely by surprise.

Hannah: Well, I see! Is it just his doppelgänger by coincidence? Or is the Doctor having a little stint at playing abbot?
Me: You'll have to wait and see.
Hannah: Interesting twist. I'm curious. I really like this story. Again I don't really know this period of history, but it's really well-painted in my ears. You can't see anything but the audio's good enough that I actually know what's going on for once.

The Sea Beggar [Episode 2]

The actor playing Gaspard de Saux-Tavannes, real-world Marshal of France and the main antagonist of the story, certainly has the appearance of a villain. Or the appearance of someone who plays a lot of them, anyway.

Hannah: He looks like Jeremy Irons' grandad or something. Although obviously he doesn't sound like him.
Me: Why his grandad?
Hannah: Because he doesn't really look like him. You need to put enough generations between them.

A pattern is starting to emerge in Steven's behaviour.

Hannah: Apparently this story is called "Steven can't find the Porte Saint-Martin".
Me: What do you think of it so far?
Hannah: I love stories of subterfuge and skulking around in taverns in historical periods. It's maybe a little too much like the French Revolution story, but it's a good enough story with its own unique points so the similarities don't matter too much. It's an interesting period of history, the story is well-told enough that the lack of action sequences isn't as detrimental as usual, and the intrigue is being constantly stoked.

Despite playing two roles in the story, William Hartnell is still absent for this episode.

Hannah: Was he on holiday?
Me: Who?
Hannah: Billy. Or was it just relevant to the plot that he wasn't in this episode at any point?
Me: Probably both.
Hannah: Do you want to watch the rest?
Me: Right now?
Hannah: It's a really good story.
Me: If you like.
Hannah: It's 10 out of 10 so far. Nobody's done anything stupid yet.

Priest of Death [Episode 3]

Hannah doesn't think much of Steven and Anne's choice of hiding place.

Hannah: Oh, so that's their cool idea of somewhere to go where no one will find them. A place where they know he's gone before.

To evade the guards who are looking for them, Steven helps himself to a cloak and hat from the apothecary's shop.

Hannah: Why doesn't she get disguised as well? He could dress her up as a lady or something.
Me: There probably aren't any ladies' clothes there.
Hannah: I suppose. Dress her up as a man then.
Me: It didn't work too well with Vicki in The Crusade.
Hannah: It lasted a whole episode. That's probably long enough.

During the Doctor's prolonged absence from this story, William Hartnell ironically turns out to be the most interesting guest star.

Me: I really wish we could see Hartnell performing as the Abbot. People tend to assume his mannerisms and giggles and "hmms" as the Doctor were spontaneous and that he was like that in real life, but he's so different here; it just goes to show how much of an acting performance it really was.

As usual, Hannah is eager to go into Babelfish mode whenever she hears a French street name.

Hannah: I only know what "fossé" means because there was an Asterix book that I had in French, and it was Le Grand Fossé, which was basically a big crack or canyon.
Me: Oh, Asterix and the Great Divide? I had that one.
Hannah: Yeah. So I know the word "fossé" has several different meanings, but I’m not entirely sure what the best translation is, although I do know it's probably not canyons in the middle of Paris. The "Rue des Fossés-Saint-Germain" could be the "St Germain Road of Alleys", like a road with lots of side roads or "cracks". Or it could also be a "Road of Ditches".

She's still no closer to unravelling the mystery of the Abbot.

Hannah: This is an abbot instructing people to be killed. Doesn't seem very religious.
Me: Well, it does take place during the French Wars of Religion. So do you think the Abbot is the Doctor, or someone else?
Hannah: I don't know. It's a long game the Doctor's playing if it's him. Other characters have mentioned never having seen him before, which suggests that the Abbot could easily be an impostor. Maybe if the Doctor was led off to help the resistance so that they could practise science, then I could believe it, but the Abbot's not doing that; he's the religious leader of the Catholics and he's trying to help crush science, so I don't believe any reason for the Doctor pretending be the Abbot. He's not helping the apothecary in any way.

The mystery is somewhat clarified when the Abbot's body is discovered dead in the street at the end of the episode.

Hannah: It's getting a bit complicated. There's too many characters and I can't tell who's who; I was enjoying it but now it's getting a bit confusing and I'm losing the thread of what's going on a bit, and I don't like politics. Still a good story. The only problem is being able to tell the people in the ruffs apart.

Bell of Doom [Episode 4]

Hannah: Is Anne going to join Team TARDIS?
Me: Er... wait and see.
Hannah: How many stories have there been where the Doctor's just not in it at all?
Me: It depends whether or not you count "Mission to the Unknown".
Hannah: Excluding that.
Me: In that case, this is the first one.
Hannah: This is weird, because he's just not in it. The Doctor is not in it after the first episode.
Me: That's sort of the point of the story though, isn't it?
Hannah: But why would you write a story where the main character isn't there?
Me: Because the protagonist is supposed to be as uncertain about this period of history as the audience. And otherwise you can't create the intrigue about the Abbot.
Hannah: Yeah, but you could write a different story of intrigue.
Me: What for, if this one's such a good story?

She's relieved when the Doctor eventually turns up ("Finally!") and is reunited with Steven, but once he realises the date he suddenly becomes very agitated and gets out of town immediately. Meanwhile, the Queen Mother gives the order to close the city gates.

Hannah: My knowledge of French history is appalling. I'm trying to work out what happens.

What happens is the St Bartholomew's Day massacre, and the TARDIS only just manages to get away from Paris as the slaughter begins. Not that we're spared the spectacle of what happens next.

Me: These are contemporary woodcuts from the British Museum in London.
Hannah: Cool!
Me: Well, that's what they used in the original episode, anyway. I don't know if these are the exact same ones.

[I've since made enquiries about this with Derek Handley, one of the people who worked on this reconstruction for Loose Cannon, who sent me a very helpful reply: "We were lucky that one of the set design photos that was taken in studio showed a print on an easel that would have been used as the photo caption behind the episode titles; the photo wasn't sharp enough to use in the recon, but we knew what the image should look like. Armed with this knowledge, we had someone go to the British Library and he found the original print, which we were able to take a copy of to use. The other images used in part 4 were scans of similar contemporary accounts of the Massacre. Ian Levine had distinct memories of the faces of the characters being superimposed over them in the manner shown in the recon." Thanks Derek!]

Hannah: Contemporary, so all of that... wow. All of these are things that actually happened? I mean, I know there's still room for embellishment, but I just saw a woman who'd had her pregnant stomach cut open and there was a baby hanging out of it. That was an actual thing that someone saw.

Steven is furious with the Doctor for leaving Anne behind to die, and storms out of the TARDIS when it makes its next stop on Wimbledon Common in the mid-60s. Hannah doesn't think much of the Doctor's reasons either.

Hannah: But there are plenty of other times where he saves one person, because it's people that matter. Rescuing one person from the massacre wouldn't have changed the entire course of history. Well, it could do, I suppose.

Shortly afterwards a young girl barges on board looking for the telephone, followed by Steven (who is apparently being chased by the police). The young girl, Dodo (short for Dorothea Chaplet) apparently has French ancestry and an Anglicised version of Anne's surname, leading the Doctor and Steven to speculate that she could be related to Anne. Hannah shrewdly picks up on the writer's attempt to justify the Doctor's actions.

Hannah: Are they trying to say that Dodo is Anne's descendant? So that makes it all okay? He left her there to die because he thought it was the best thing, and now it just so happens that she survived and had children. Possibly. It's probably a common surname.
Me: She does look an awful lot like her, though.
Hannah: Is it the same actress?
Me: No.
Hannah: I thought Steven was genuinely going to leave, but it looks like he's along on the ride for at least one more. I do like him as a companion.

When the Doctor takes off with Dodo, Hannah is appalled; it's Ian and Barbara all over again.

Hannah: No, let her out! Goddammit! He never learns!

Fortunately our latest abductee has no family ties ("He's very, very lucky"), and the episode ends with the Doctor welcoming Dodo aboard the TARDIS.

Hannah: Well, fuck me. He's stolen another one.

The Score

Hannah: It's a very good story, but it feels bad that I want to give 9 out of 10 to a story where the Doctor's not in it for three quarters of the time.
Me: There are plenty of bad stories where he's in it loads. And "Blink" ranked as the second-best story ever in the most recent poll in Doctor Who Magazine.
Hannah: He never explained where he went. He just randomly turns up back at the apothecary's shop and says "sorry I'm late, give me my stick, let's go." Three whole days have passed! Where has he been? So he left Steven alone for three days whilst he went and had a three-day conference with the apothecary somewhere? Then he turns up and realises everyone is going to die tomorrow. Where on earth did they go for three days? That's the biggest plot hole in this whole thing. Everything else is amazing.

9/10

Me: You got my hopes up for a while. I thought this might be our first 10 out of 10.
Hannah: Genuinely this could have been a 10 out of 10, but it got spoilt at the end. I really liked the story and nothing particularly annoyed me until the very end when the Doctor comes back, sentences somebody to death and then steals someone again. Apart from that, the rest of it's good.