The Ice Warriors

Episode 1

Hannah: Is this one real?
Me: Mostly, yes. Episodes 2 and 3 are animated, but all the others exist.
Hannah: Huh. Okay.
Me: You sound surprised.
Hannah: I was geared up for not caring as much and not watching it properly, because I assumed it would be another missing one.

The first thing Hannah picks up on is the eerie, wordless singing over the story title.

Hannah: That singing is very annoying.

The next thing she notices is the bizarre sixties "futuristic" fashion and psychedelic jumpsuits worn by the base personnel.

Hannah: That's a stupid hat. Does she not realise that she's got a piece of perspex over her head?

The base itself appears to be located in an old Victorian mansion.

Hannah: This is very atmospheric, and there are lots of interesting visual touches; funky scientist costumes, lots of dials and flashy things... I like the juxtaposition of the old house, but it looks suspiciously like a money-saver from a previous story or another show.

We find Earth in the middle of a new Ice Age.

Hannah: Hello again, polystyrene wind machine blizzard! The people outside don't actually look that cold, as usual. Are those animal noises supposed to be wolves? Because they sound like chickens.

When the scientists find a large prehistoric figure frozen in the ice, Hannah is amused at their weary suspicion that it's going to be yet another mastodon ("I'm so sick of finding bloody mastodons!"). Elsewhere, the TARDIS has materialised on its side, forcing the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria to awkwardly climb out of the doorway.

Hannah: I still don't understand why the TARDIS doesn't have an inside gravity.
Me: It does later, in one story at least. But you'll have to wait a while.
Hannah: You mean when he works out how to turn it on?

It doesn't take her long to recognise Peter Sallis as Penley; she's familiar with Wallace and Gromit, of course, but she's far more well-acquainted with his starring role in the world's longest-running sitcom.

Me: "Cracking cheese, Doctor!"
Hannah: His nose looks a bit longer than I would have thought.
Me: Why is that surprising? You told me you used to watch Last of the Summer Wine.
Hannah: Yes, but I don't remember it being that long.

Emboldened by this rare success at recognising an actor, she turns her attention to Malcolm Taylor.

Hannah: Is he someone famous?
Me: Not really. Why, do you recognise him?
Hannah: I don't know.

Penley's friend Storr (played by Angus Lennie) poses the question: "Archaeology. What good's that?"

Hannah: I can tell you: nothing.
Me: Oh, I don't know. It's been serving the blog very well lately.
Hannah: Is he famous?
Me: I don't think you'd recognise him, unless you're secretly a massive Crossroads fan.
Hannah: Do you want me to just stop asking if everybody's famous?
Me: No. One day you'll get it right.

When the base leader Clent (played by Peter Barkworth, about whom Hannah doesn't make any enquiries) presents the TARDIS crew with the possibility of being evacuated to Africa, Victoria is horrified.

Hannah: (slightly taken aback) That's an... interesting thing for her to say. Why doesn't she want to go to Africa?
Me: Well, it's full of cannibals, isn't it? She's from the 19th century, remember.

Clent explains that the new Ice Age was caused by the reduction of plants, which in turn reduced the amount of carbon dioxide in the air and caused global cooling. Which would be all well and good, if it weren't for the fact that plants actually consume carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen.

Hannah: What? No, no, seriously, what? Who wrote this? What the fuck kind of science books did this writer read? I don't even know how they managed to write... did they do any kind of research at all?
Me: You mean like GCSE science, for example? There must have been at least one or two dozen people who would have seen or heard the dialogue before it was filmed, and were in a position to make this right. And they didn't! It's like nobody involved in the production had any kind of school certificate. The basic chemistry of respiration and photosynthesis was no mystery at the time, so it's pretty unforgivable.

At least she's impressed with the Ice Warriors. Mostly.

Hannah: Very imposing warrior, even if it is made of rubber. Look at those rubbery pincers.
Me: They've already appeared twice in the new series and their design has barely been changed since this first appearance, so they clearly did something right in 1967. Also, one of the Ice Warriors in this story - and in all of their original stories, actually - is played by Sonny Caldinez, whom you may remember as Kemel from The Evil of the Daleks.
Hannah: Fair enough, he's a tall dude.

Episode 2

Hannah: Ah, the big rubber man with Lego hands has left his spaceship parked in the glacier somewhere.

But the newly-defrosted Ice Warrior can't decide whether to return home or stick around and conquer Earth, so he takes Victoria hostage to keep his options open.

Hannah: He was having a lovely chat with Victoria, asking how long he's been frozen and if she can help him, and then suddenly threatens the possibility of taking over a planet he hasn't seen the state of in several thousand years! He's all alone and out of time, and he has the balls to throw out the idea of attacking Earth and taking control. Bit rash.

Aliens notwithstanding, the stylish direction of The Ice Warriors seems to be putting her in mind of a Robert Altman film.

Hannah: There's a chatty, realistic feel to the dialogue and character interactions. It's not as stilted as some stories.
Me: In what way?
Hannah: The dialogue in this story seems to flow a lot more. There's a lot of realistic acting; people are actually reacting to each other by talking before the other one's finished, because that's what you do in real life. Either it's really badly rehearsed and they don't know each other's lines, or they're reacting more realistically to each other. Who directed this?
Me: Derek Martinus; he did Galaxy 4, "Mission to the Unknown", The Tenth Planet and The Evil of the Daleks. And also Jon Pertwee's first story, but obviously you haven't seen that one yet.
Hannah: Do I like them? I can't remember.
Me: It's a bit of a mixed bag.
Hannah: There's also some good background talking. There was a scene in the last episode where Clent was talking to someone as they were walking out of shot, and the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria were having a chat in the background; they weren't audible, or even in focus, but they were still talking to each other like they really would have done. It's good that the actors aren't just saying their lines; they're in the background having a chat, because that's what would be happening. Everyone else in the room wouldn't be silent whilst one person was talking.

She's full of praise for Peter Barkworth, too.

Hannah: The guy playing Clent is amazing; his acting is very lively and convincing.
Me: I think he's one of the very best guest actors in the entire show, honestly. Certainly during the original run.

Then she's struck by a sudden realisation.

Hannah: Why have they decided to have a Victoria? They've already had a Vicki, and now they've got a Victoria.
Me: Well, why not?
Hannah: It's just one of those things you don't do on TV shows; you try to make sure everyone has a different name.
Me: Yes, and you end up with ridiculous situations like Coronation Street or EastEnders where there's an entire street with no two people sharing the same name. Anyway, Vicki and Victoria are different names.
Hannah: I know, but Vicki is short for Victoria.
Me: No, in her first appearance she specifically said it was just "Vicki" and it wasn't short for anything. Not every Jenny is a Jennifer.

When the rest of the Ice Warriors are revived, I get the impression that their drawn-out sibilant voices might be starting to wear a little thin.

Hannah: He's hissing like an unhappy cat.

Episode 3

Hannah: I still don't like that singing.

Hannah is suitably moved when Clent tells Arden not to be too hard on himself for reviving the Ice Warrior, and that he would probably have done the same.

Hannah: This is all very, very human. More human than usual. There's not loads of backstabbing, it's just two strong men trying to hold it together.

In fact, we both agree that Peter Barkworth and Peter Sallis are by far the best thing about this story.

Hannah: Peter Sallis is a really good actor. I was sad when he died.
Me: He was 96 years old, so it wasn't a massive shock.
Hannah: I know, but he's one of the few actors that I actually knew. I don't know what else he's been in, but I watched all the Wallace and Gromit films and almost every episode of Last of the Summer Wine. He's the only actor who appeared in every single episode, you know.
Me: Careful, you're starting to sound like me.

The Ice Warriors have decided Victoria is useful enough to be kept around a bit longer.

Hannah: Because they only have Lego hands, so she has to do all the lifting for them.
Me: At least they can lift more than the Daleks. Or the Yeti. Or the Macra.
Hannah: Did they have the butterfly lady teach them how to act reptilian?
Me: No, amazingly enough, the alien choreography services of Roslyn De Winter were never engaged for Doctor Who again after The Web Planet.
Hannah: So somebody else had to come up with a style. Although it hasn't been established that they are reptilian yet, other than their appearance and their actions.
Me: They don't act reptilian, they just sort of lumber around.
Hannah: They make hissy sounds, and they've got scales painted onto them and those hearing holes in the side of the head.
Me: Yes, but they're Martians; they're not making reptilian movements, they're just moving slowly because there's less gravity on Mars and they're heavier here.
Hannah: Well, that hasn't been shown clearly.

I always enjoy it when Hannah makes an observation about the characterisation of the Doctor.

Hannah: Is he writing on the floor? Very Doctor-y. And he's standing up against people doing silly and bureaucratic things, like wasting time checking his figures on the computer when he knows he's right. And it also showcases his common streak of arrogance that the Doctors all share.

She also provides us with this little gem:

Hannah: That's a nice door. I like circles overlapping each other like that, like bubbles.

Victoria witnesses Jamie's apparent death at the hands of an Ice Warrior. Time to have some fun.

Hannah: (uncertainly) Have they actually killed Jamie?
Me: I'm afraid so.
Hannah: I've just noticed he's wearing something that looks like a plastic boiler suit over the top of his kilt.
Me: Yes, it's lucky that he came in his own body bag.
Hannah: How has he managed to split his kilt like that, so it's still covering his bits but going down each trouser leg?
Me: How do you know it's covering his bits?
Hannah: The Ice Warriors seem to believe that they've killed him, anyway.
Me: But do you believe it?
Hannah: What, that we would watch a companion die on screen like that?
Me: It's happened twice before. Remember The Daleks' Master Plan?
Hannah: Oh yeah, one drifted off into space and another one aged to death. But they weren't proper companions.
Me: Of course they were!
Hannah: No they weren't! They were only in it for one story, so they don't count.
Me: Katarina was in two stories.
Hannah: Yeah, but she doesn't count. She never will, for me. Ending one story and starting another, and that's it, doesn't count. And Christmas specials don't count.
Me: What about Adam?
Hannah: I don't remember him; he doesn't count.
Me: Does Bernard Cribbins count?
Hannah: Yes, because he's been in--
Me: He's only a companion in one story. That's fewer than Katarina.
Hannah: He flew in the TARDIS multiple times, didn't he?
Me: No.
Hannah: Then he doesn't count. I don't care what everyone else says; it's my view.
Me: Anyway, the point is that the precedent has been set. There's no reason they couldn't kill Jamie off in the middle of the story.

He survives, of course.

Hannah: (sighing) Through the power of plot.

Episode 4

Hannah: That's an annoying cliffhanger; it turns out that the Ice Warriors never actually wanted to shoot Victoria at all, because they remembered they had questions for her. How lucky for her. They just can't seem to make up their minds whether or not to kill her. They were never going to shoot her, so the suspense between episodes was completely false.

She's even more annoyed when an Ice Warrior walks straight past Victoria without even noticing her.

Hannah: How? How did she hide? He just walked straight past her!
Me: To be fair, those helmets don't look like they have very good peripheral vision.
Hannah: Then they've been designed very badly.

I may not have been able to convince her that Jamie was dead, but at least I can make the most of his temporary paralysis.

Me: Jamie spends the rest of the series in a wheelchair, like Professor X from X-Men.
Hannah: But one that can fly, yeah? Otherwise he'd be stuck as soon as they get out of the TARDIS.
Me: No, Victoria just pushes him around all over the place.

Storr tries to ally himself with the Ice Warriors, with predictable results.

Hannah: He knows that the Ice Warriors have already killed someone, as well as kidnapped Victoria and tried to kill Jamie, and he walks straight up to them; of course he was going to be killed just for being in the way. Did he seriously think he had anything to offer them? There's some proper peril in this story - people being shot, caves collapsing, guns being pointed - but some of the characters are acting a little silly, and it's detracting from the otherwise excellent tension-building.

But at least their sonic weaponry creates a nifty screen-warping special effect.

Hannah: I like the way it pinches the screen in, like a Snapchat filter.

Episode 5

Penley is forced to drag the paralysed Jamie back to the base on a travois. It doesn't look much fun for either of them.

Hannah: Poor Jamie. Poor Frazer Hines. Being lugged around on a sledge with someone flolloping all over him.

Penley and Jamie are attacked by a passing bear ("Aw, it's just a baby") but, apart from questioning whether or not Jamie should be familiar enough with Shakespeare to misquote Macbeth, Hannah doesn't say much for the rest of the episode. At least, not until the sparks fly when Clent and Penley finally meet for the first time since Penley walked out in disgust at Clent's blind trust in computers.

Hannah: Lot of morals and politics in this. But it's interesting.
Me: Ah, but that's the point. This is the real drama of the story, not the alien threat.

The cliffhanger sees an Ice Warrior trying to destroy the base with a sonic cannon, with the Doctor struggling to stop his hand from reaching the firing switch.

Hannah: It looks like the Doctor is trying to put the Ice Warrior's hand on the switch, not push it off. Maybe the actors don't know where their hands are, because they've got a giant mask and those giant rubber hands, so it's easier for him to do it the other way around and have Patrick Troughton trying to put his hand back on the knob.

Episode 6

The cliffhanger reprise allows Hannah to re-assess the situation.

Hannah: He was definitely pulling his hand.

The crisis goes from bad to worse when the Ice Warriors confront the humans.

Hannah: I like it when things happen that you weren't expecting at all; you can see the plot going off in a particular direction, and you think Clent is going to have a chat and maybe negotiate with the Ice Warriors, and then it's "oh shit, the man on the floor's got a gun!" He's been unconscious and doesn't know what's going on, so he just sees a threat and goes for it. He's ruined everything!
Me: Did you think that would be the thrilling conclusion? Clent and the Ice Warriors sitting down with a cup of tea and talking it over?
Hannah: No, obviously not, but I was expecting them to have a chat and then maybe he would fuck up somehow. But then suddenly there's a man on the floor, and now nobody trusts anybody.

The Doctor hits upon the idea of using vibrations against the Ice Warriors, reasoning that it won't affect the scientists too much because the warriors have a far greater fluid content than human beings.

Hannah: Well, we're already 60% water, so I don't see how that's going to help; it's a bit of a dangerous gamble to take, in any case. I don't see how them being just a little bit more watery is going to help; the difference can't be that much.

She's equally underwhelmed by Penley's tactics, which involve tampering with the thermostat ("Is he just turning the heating up?") and turning down the oxygen-level control ("Why does that even exist?"). In all fairness, he's also the one who takes the decision to use the ioniser at full strength; Hannah is rather hoping to see the aliens' heads bursting like melons, but instead it melts both the glacier and the spaceship.

Hannah: So they're hoping to destroy the Ice Warriors, then? Not actually set them free? Because if it went at half-power, and slowly set them free, they could just go away.
Me: They wouldn't go away, though. They'd kill everyone.
Hannah: They want Earth?
Me: I think they're just pissed off with humans at this point.
Hannah: I don't know why they didn't just do it slowly and let them free in the first place. Oh yeah, it's because the first Ice Warrior kidnapped Victoria the moment it was thawed out, because it had just woken up and it was really grumpy. So it could have all gone really well, and the scientists could have agreed to melt the ice round their ship and let them go, but the moment it woke up it took a hostage because they were fine-tuned to be warriors and do evil things.

As Clent and Penley pick up the pieces, they turn to find our heroes have already left the scene.

Hannah: He doesn't do clean-up.

The Score

Hannah: That was good. The Ice Warriors are such a good alien, because they don't just want to kill people, it's just that they were annoyed and pissed off. They sort of want to negotiate but also sort of don't, and it makes them a bit scarier because they're unpredictable.
Me: They're probably the only recurring monster throughout the series who are depicted as morally ambiguous, as opposed to being unequivocally evil.
Hannah: Yeah, they're complicated. So the writer has done a good job of making it realistically threatening all the way through; unfortunately he's also a complete and utter moron who thinks that having no plants means there's no carbon dioxide. But other than that, I like it a lot. There's a lot of complex characters, and I like those post-apocalyptic scenarios where society has been forced to shift into something else and become something new. It was well-acted and well-directed and everything, the only problem was the writing in a few places.

9/10

Me: Anything else?
Hannah: There could have been more snow.